Posted on 01/12/2002 3:55:44 PM PST by jslade
The South......Like it or we will kick your ass!
Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.
Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.
Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.
Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.
Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Questions our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.
Y'all have a nice day!
The Georgia peach said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from Alabama commented. "Well, isn't that nice??"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac you see parked in the drive."
Again, the belle from Alabama commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
"Yet again, the second of the ladies commented, Well, isn't that nice??"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Alabama belle.
"Charm school, the first woman cried, "Land sakes," child, what on Earth for?"
The Alabamian responded, "So that instead of saying "Who gives a s**t?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that nice?"
I say Toe-May-Toe, and you say "Get that dern uglee red vegie offa muh plate, y'all."
Of course, up North, Cool Whip might be revelent.
Well, I got a bucketfull of Cool Whip in my fridge right now. Goes good with ice cream. :-)
But my taxes are way less and I can ride my Harley 12 months out of the year.
When I cook A pig I can throw him in my barrel/drum smoker w/side firebox and feed it ORANGE WOOD. And YES, it is legal to drive barefoot, thanks. Aligator tastes like -- ALLIGATOR! Catfish is best served cooked. Biscuits and gravy does come with sausage!
DJEEETYET is a request for information!
DJEEETYET = Did you Eat yet?
I once blacklisted a lawyer because he made fun of me for saying 'fixin to'...as in "I'm fixin' to go to lunch, be back in an hour".
He was a new guy in our firm, I left there a couple of months later, and put him on my "never refer anyone to list" simply because of that. LOL
I couldn't wait to come home. I was sick of being called a yankee, sick of the jokes about people from the north, sick of hearing about the south rising again, sick of seeing bumper stickers that said, "American by birth..Southern by the grace of God", sick of hearing stories like one from a mother on my son's ball team where she was living in Chicago and came home so her child wouldn't have a norther state on its birth certificate.....I could go on and on!!!
It is freakin' ridiculous!...as I said to them, "We won the stinkin' war and don't sit around talking about it!"
Apparently they have an exaggerated sense of importance because the people in the north could care less about the Mason-Dixon line...get over it!
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