[ChemistCat]

Oh--my Dad can print out images as easily as text, so cartoons would be welcome too. THANKS.

[TheBigB]

So this Baptist preacher is watchin' TV one day during a rainstorm when he sees on the news that the dam near his house has burst and the water is headed towards his home. He steps out onto his porch and sure enough, the water's already rising fast. Two fellows in a rowboat come by and yell, "Preacher, get in the boat! the water's risin', we ain't got much time!". And the Preacher sez, "Boys, don't worry. I have faith. If I need help the Lord will provide." So later the water is stil rising and the Preacher's on top of his roof. Two more fellows in a rowboat come by and yell, "Preacher, get in the boat! the water's STILL risin', we ain't got much time!". And the Preacher again sez, "Boys, don't worry. I have faith. If I need help the Lord will provide." So later the Preacher's on top of his chimney...water still rising. Two fellow fly overhead in a helicopter and yell down, "Preacher grab the rope and come up! You ain't got time to wait!" The Precaher yells up at them, "Boys you just don't understand. I have all the faith in the world. If I need help the Lord will provide."

About an hour later the Preacher gets to the Pearly Gates. Saint Anthony is on guard duty (as he is every other weekday from 4 to 7). he looks at the Precher astonished and says, "What in the world are you doing here? It ain't time for you!" The Preacher says, "I don't know. These folks kept coming by and I told them if I needed help the Lord would provide." St. Anthony looks at him and says, "Hell, we sent two rowboats and a helicopter for you!" :)

[farmfriend]

Sending prayers but here is the joke:

This scottsman stagers out of the local pub and he is so drunk he passes out in the gutter.

Two american tourist girls walk by and see him laying there. One says to the other, "I wonder what a scottish man wears under his kilts?" Her friend replies, "Let's look, he'll never know."

They lift his kilt to see he has nothing on. The first girl laughs and pulls a blue ribbon from her hair, ties it around him. They pull his kilt down and leave.

Later, he staggers into a back alley to relieve himself and he finds this blue ribbon tied around himself and he says, (in your best scottish accent) "Laddie, I don know where ya been and I don know what ya done but I'm dam glad ya took first prize."

Why did the punk rocker cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 96. One to screw in the light bulb and 95 to file the environmental impact reports.

[paul51]

Try this Humor Break! http://www.freerepublic.com/forum/a3b8746fa286d.htm

[ATOMIC_PUNK]

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? Yes/No

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

4. How many outs are there in an inning?

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Yes/No

6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half an hour. How many minutes would the pills last?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?

12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?

13. A plane crashes on the Canadian - US border. In which country you bury the survivors?

14. What is the least amount of coins it takes to make 55 cents if one of the coins is a quarter?

DON'T READ ANY FURTHER UNTIL YOU'VE ANSWERED ALL THE ABOVE

QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Densa Test, Your Evaluation

*Give yourself one point for each correct answer..... Good luck!

1: Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes, it comes after the 3rd of July!

2: How many birthdays does the average man have? 1 Just one!

3: Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? 12, all of them!

4: How many outs are there in an inning? 6, three per side!

5: Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? No - because he is dead!

6: Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? 70, (30 divided by 1/2 equals 60!)

7: If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? 2, you took them, remember?

8: A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last? 60 --Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.

9: A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? 9 (If allbut 9 die, then 9 are left alive, eh?)

10: How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark? zero...it wasn't Moses.. it was Noah
11: A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh? meat, a butcher weighs meat!

12: How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen? 12 There are 12 2-cent stamps in a dozen!

13: The survivors would probably rather wait until they die to be buried

14: Three coins. One is a quarter, the other is a quarter and also a nickel.

 

Add Your Score... How did you do?

Correct Answers Rating *DENSA.....Dense Rating :>)

>13-14 Genius

>10-12 Above Normal

>7-9 Normal

>4-6 Crack head

>1-3 Lug nut

[Conservative independent]

Why don't the Chinese have phone books?

Because they have so many "Wings" and "Wongs", everyone's afraid they'll wing the wong number.

[alaskanfan]

Three old guys are having a conversation, first old guy 70 years old says 'I just wish I could tgake a good piss, but everytime I try just a little trickle comes out'.

Second old guy 80 years old says 'I just wish I could take a good dump, I sit for hours and grunt and push but nothing happens.'

Third says 'Pissing and shitting are nothing, every morning at 5a.m. I take a big healthy piss, and at precisely 6a.m. I take a big healthy dump, I just wish I could wake up before 7a.m.

[stylin19a]

- 85 year old couple, sitting on the couch watching TV. Wife is getting a little frisky an says " Let's climb upstairs and have sex !" He looks at her and says..."I can do one....or the other"


- WHAT WOULD YOU DO ????
If you were photographing the Niagara Falls, and Bill Clinton is in the water being swept toward the falls, ... You can either save him from drowning or take the picture that perhaps wins the Pulitzer Prize....... What shutter speed would you use?


- Bill Clinton walks into the doctors office with a duck on his head. Doctor says "What's your problem ?" Duck says "Well doc, this thing started out as a wart on my ass"

[Rainbow Rising]

Osama bin Laden, severly injured in an American attack, is in a US Army medical facility, when he asks the attending doctor, "Doc, when will I die?"

"Unsure of the exact time of death," his Western doctor says. "But you will die on an American holiday."

"How do you know it will be on an American holiday?" asks the terrorist.

"That's easy," says the doctor, "Any day that you die will be an American holiday."

[Cool Guy]

Prayers being sent for a speedy recovery!

[garyhope]

How do you make your wife (or husband) scream and holler when you're having sex?

Call her (him) up and tell her where you are and what you're doing!

[GeekDejure]

A man decides to visit his doctor, a little Japanese fellow, as every time he broke wind, it sounded funny. "Doc," he said, "every time I fart, it sounds just like a Honda." The doctor says "Go to dentist, you have abcess tooth." The man returns the next day and tells the doc "Hey, thanks, you were right about the tooth, and now my farts sound normal. How did you know?" The doctor says "Abcess make the fart go Honda." !!!

[SWake]

A guy comes home and says to his wife, "Honey, get your kids, pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

"Oh, I've always wanted to see Paris and Rome, we can get that new car I've been wanting...."

"No, you don't understand ... get **YOUR** kids ... pack **YOUR** bags ... ** I ** won the lottery!"

(best wishes for a speedy recovery!)

[GeekDejure]

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Geez . . . Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp !!!

[ThinkLikeWaterAndReeds]

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind, him, and as he sits the waitress comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" asks the waitress. "I'll have the same." says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke " and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be 12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live! "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.

[Beernoser]

A nun, a rabbi and a circus clown walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "what is this, some kind of a joke?"

[JoeSchem]

A guy's car has a flat tire next to an insane asylum. A guy in a straight jacket comes over to the fence and watches while the driver changes the tire. The driver gets nervous, and accidently knocks the tire's lug nuts into the storm drain.

"Great!" says the driver. "What do I do now?"

The guy in the straight jacket says, "Take a nut off the other three wheels and put them on this one. Then drive at low speed until you get to a garage and can buy replacements."

The driver brightens up -- but then frowns. "Hey -- if you can think up good ideas like that, how come you're in an insane asylum?"

The guy in the straight jacket replies, "I'm in here because I'm crazy -- not because I'm stupid."

(This joke also explains why we're here on Free Republic instead of running the country!)

[musicman]

I hope your mom gets better soon!!........

A bartender in a local bar approaches his new,never before seen customer to take his order."What may I get you this evening?"the bartender asks.The somewhat already cocktailed customer replies;"Fix everybody in this place a drink,fix yourself a drink,and make me a double martini!!"

The bartender gets to work.He makes the dozen or so patrons in the bar their drinks,delivers them,makes himself a cocktail,makes the double martini,and delivers the drink to the customer with the tab for the whole round,and says to him,"OK sir,that will be $28.95",to which the customer replies to the bartender"I don't have any money!!"

The bartender, very upset that this is going to come out of his own pocket,without a word comes from behind the bar,and grabbing the deadbeat cocktailed customer by the collar,drags him to the front door,pushes the door open,and kicks the customer in the rearend,which puts the drunken customer face down on the sidewalk in front of the establishment.Dusting his hands off,the bartender returns to his work.

Two days later,the same customer,in the same cocktailed condition as his last visit,enters the bar with the same bartender on duty.Having been the "victim"of the drunk's first visit,the bartender takes the second visit head-on.

"What will it be tonite?"the bartender enquires.The customer drunkenly replies;"Fix everybody in this place a drink,and make me a double martini!!" Noting that the order was slightly different than it was from their first encounter(and in no way was going to be completed)the bartender inquires;"What's the matter big spender,aren't ya gonna buy me a drink tonite also??"

......to which the drunk replies;"ARE YOU KIDDING???YOU GET VIOLENT WHEN YOU DRINK!!!"

[BikerTrash]

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

hyuk hyuk

[Bella_Bru]

Thread nanny! Thread nanny! Why don't you come over here and tell them what bad people they are! Imagine, a JOKE thread! Oh, the shame.

[Ron H.]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW 328i back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again. This time the chicken fell in the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole." So he stretched over the width of the hole and said "grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."

And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW 328i to pick up chicks.