Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

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[SAMWolf]

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk -- dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

• Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

• Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

• Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

• Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

• Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

• Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

• Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

[Lizzy W]

How adorable!!!

[jws3sticks]

I have a lovely little female Scottish Fold, too, called Beautrix or Trixie for short. She has no voice. It is so cute to watch (kuz you can't hear her) try and meow. She purres with the best of cats.

To my Freeper fans (?), I do have more that the barfing guy. LOL.

I got her at the best 'Cat House' in America, Fabulous Feline, in Manhattan (NYC), on 2nd or 3rd Ave in the 40's, as I recall. A must visit for any cat lover.

[not-an-ostrich]

#55 is a photo contest winner!

[jws3sticks]

bump

[Gumption]

This thing about not giving your cat a bath is all BS. I was always told you shouldn't but one day I decided to try it, and you know what? He loved it, it was fun for me too. Yeah, sure I had a lot of hair stick to my tongue but ...

Speaking of cats ... I gotta get a pair of kitty handcuffs and I got to get em right away. The other day I found out my cat was embezzling from me. Everyday, while I'm at work, my cat goes out to the mailbox, picks up my checks, goes down to the bank and cashes them ... disguised as me. He had his little kitty Oriole cap, and his little kitty "treason's the reason" T-shirt. And I wouldn't have caught him either except I looked outside in his little house (where he sleeps) and there was about $3000.00 worth of cat toys out there. And I couldn't return them because they had spit all over em. So now I'm stuck with three thousand dollars worth of cat toys ... sure they're fun. I got the little rubber mouse that's got the bell inside of it. I hate it when it goes under the sofa. (ending Steve Martin routine here)

[flaglady47]

Man, Reply 55, that is one ugly cat! I had a dog that had puppies, and one was so ugly I named him Ugly. I have a penchant for the obvious when naming animals, my bird's name was Bird, my two cats' names are Big Kitty and Little Kitty, one of my dogs, an Afghan, was named Afghan. The only animal I had that actually had a name was my German Shephard whom I named Dwarf (she was the runt of the litter). SAMWolf, what is that drowned black object d'art's name? My one cat (Little Kitty) is all black also, and looks similar to yours when drenched.

[SAMWolf]

That's not my cat. It's the picture that won the Kodak Picture of the year award for 1997.

[Sungirl]

WHat are you talking about? THat one quote that was used was added on to...which was very dirty of that biker. IF you are going to put someones words into italics to comment on them...you shouldn't add on to them. You're suppose to use the exact quote.

[Lizzy W]

Huh? I didn't put anything into italics and I quoted nothing.

[Burlem]

OMG, I don't know how that happened I sent the eagle to someone who was looking for it. !!!!!!

[lowbridge]

[uglybiker]

I'm with you Lizzy.

Uh...What?

[alaskanfan]

Funny beyond belief!!!!

[Psalm 73]

"real men will have nothing to do with cats"

On the contrary, real men are not intimidated by cats.
It is only guys who are not so certain of thier masculinity who feel threatened by them.
A cat cannot be easily controlled, a trait insecure men have a problem with.

[cliff630]

Hey there SAM, maybe by serendipidity, you have discovered the
perfect punishment for Osama Bin Laden.

Appoint him, the official cat bather. All cats must be
unneutered feral Tom cats. Osama will be required to
be nude when bathing cats. After he masters the art of
bathing the Tom's, we'll have him try his hand bathing
Bobcats, pound for pound one of the most ferocious
canines.

If Osama shows unusual skill, we'll have him try his hand
with Wolverines.

[RooRoobird14]

GET 2 TALL BUCKETS....FILL THEM 3/4 WITH WATER...ONE FOR RINSING.... GENTLY PUT THE CAT IN ---> TAIL DOWN, SO (S)HE IS STANDING IN THE BUCKET. LET HIM/HER HANG ON THE THE SIDES WHILE YOU WASH THE CAT......HAVE ANOTHER BUCKET FOR RINSING RIGHT NEXT TO IT. USE LUKEWARM WATER...

I will vouch for Sungirl's technique--it works!!! If your kitty is all stretched out, can't get a good toe hold on anything, you stand a much better chance of bathing the cat without completely destroying the house (LOL).

The "lower kitty feet first, legs stretched out" also works beautifully for putting your ROTTEN CAT into a cat carrier (stand carrier on it's end first, open the door, lower kitty in, slam the door FAST).

Before we learned the above technique, hubby and I would have to engage in mortal combat with our 18 pound "Queenie" every time she had to be bathed or put in a carrier. If we could get her in the carrier at all, it might take BOTH of us up to 20 minutes of concentrated wrestling, head-locking, cramming, chasing--often to no avail whatsoever. Half the time we could not get that D*MN cat in the carrier at all!!!

The veterinarian showed us the "lower feet first" method--it worked so well we were embarassed how simple it was. (LOL, you'd think two college graduates could have outwitted an illiterate 18 pound kitty on their own......)

[TheRealLobo]

Only ONE way to clean cats...Firehose.

[TheRealLobo]

Actually there IS a second way...Swimming Pool