Don't Have A Cow Over This- Humor Break

[jmp702]

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. Then you covet it.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his.

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage which ultimately blows up the cows.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5 year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows. You expropriate them. The American corporation goes Chapter 11.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

[zencycler]

Great posts re: Barney and Al's lost cow. How much longer can we keep this going?

[zencycler]

JESSE JACKSON: You and your family have one cow that is going hungry because the land is barren. Once you thought about cultivating the land. But then you realized that if you started developing your land, your family would begin to see the benefits of hard work, and you could never turn back. So instead, you blamed the condition of your land on the neglect of the previous owner, and said that nothing could be done.

You're afraid you might one day lose your cow if it strays onto your neighbors property, which is sectioned off by rows of tall bushes. So you sometimes go chasing after the cow yelling "Stay Out Da Bushes".

[f.Christian]

The UN--DNC--NaacLp all determine highly successful cattle producing countries stole all their cows from the less developed countries and will pay cash--milk--beef reparations for their theft--exploitation at all MacDonalds, supermarkets and Denny's restaurants!

[rockfish59]

my neighbor across the road has hundreds of cows. i have 2 cats. so?

[zencycler]

AN ANTI-DRUG WAR IDIOT: You have a growing herd of cows and a highly successful milk farm. In fact, even though you charge high prices, people drive for miles to buy milk from your cows. They can't seem to get enough of it. The more they buy, the more they want. You tell your neighbors, with a smile, that your secret is the special grass that you feed your cows. At first, it all seems harmless. But as the addiction grows, other farmers catch on to your idea about using the "special grass" to feed their cows. Eventually, our society falls apart, as too many people are addicted to milk. But hey, it was fun while it lasted.

[apackof2]

AN ENVIRONMENTAL ACTIVIST

LOL! You are too funny!

[apackof2]

A POT HEAD: You have two cows but your too high to remember to feed them.
Eventually they die, you go on general assistance.

[Leesylvanian]

Thank you, you beat me to a reply!

[Orion]

AMERICAN MARRIAGE: You and your wife have accumulated four cows. Your wife starts to get milked on your neighbor's farm, and you file for divorce. The courts give her all four cows, and you owe her one cow per year for the rest of your life.

[Naspino]

AN ANTI-DRUG WAR IDIOT: You have two cows growing up on a successful farm. A neighboring farmer comes over the fence and gives your cow's a free sample of "enchanced" grass. Your two cows think they can jump over the moon when they eat your neighbor's grass so they exchange all of their milk to your neighbor for more.

Day after day your two cows then lounge around producing only enough milk to exchange with your neighbor.

One night your two cow's, doped on grass, decide to cross the stream to get more; unfortunately they forget the stream is actually an eight lane interstate and end up plastered on the pavement. Oh well it was fun while it lasted."

[That Poppins Woman]

FARM IN THE USA WITHOUT THE DRUG WAR: You have two cows. You also have a farm. You rotate your crops with hemp, and have virtually eliminated your need for fertilizer.

You separate your male and female hemp in time. The female hemp (sensimillia) provides you 10 times your normal income as milk, eliminating the need for farm subsidies across the country. The sensimillia processing and rolling plant in town provides employment to unskilled laborers, eliminating the need for welfare and other social handouts, across the country.

The male hemp provides you a nice piece of pocket change from your neighbor, who processes the stalk for fiber and also collects seeds for the in town diesel fuel processing plant. Your tractors, combines, cars, and all-terrain vehicles all run on this and you spend maybe $150 a year total for fuel (for all of them).

The Indian reservations grow hemp on land that cannot support anything else, and through the processing of these seeds' oil into fuel, and through the Central and South Americas' growing and processing their hemp seeds into fuel, the Americas have eliminated their dependence on any other hemisphere for fuel.

Oh, yeh ... your two cows -- by eliminating fertilizers and other harmful toxins on your farm, your cows are now producing double the milk they used to. It tastes better. In addition, you have no more need to pump your cows up with antibiotics. Amazingly, human immune systems grow stronger with this milk, children cease getting ear infections by the dozens, and we reduce our dependence on antibiotics, slowing the previously escalating cycle of antibiotic-resistent diseases.

Because the Central and South America countries are now flush with LEGAL profit, immigration into the USA has all but ceased. We have open borders throughout the Western Hemisphere. Poverty has been eliminated in the Western Hemisphere. There are no country-debts. They have all been paid.

The hundreds of billions of dollars previously spent on the War on Drugs are now spent on shoring up the country's infrastructure, curing all known diseases, NASA's 1st colony on Mars, and our 1st manned expedition to our nearest solar system neighbor.

[Orion]

Dude,
I never weighed in on the drug war on this thread. I did, however, weigh in on:

GOP Spinelessness
Limousine liberal's hypocracy
CNBC unadultarated BS.
Micron Technology
Oakland A's playoff antics
American Marriage
Clinton fundraisers
Barney Frank & Gary Studds
Jennifer Love Hewitt's absolutely flawless figure

-Orion

[f.Christian]

Hemp cows in Hyber world---the ol mule and forty acres!

[Naspino]

Just replied to end...

[zencycler]

OLD LADY (PRESUMABLY ON DRUGS): She has one cow. Earlier she had devoured other small animals, presumably in an attempt to catch the other creatures in her digestive tract, the first of which was a fly. I don't know how, she swallowed the cow. I guess she'll die.

[Orion]

Bump

[Semper911]

Nice work -- thanks for the laughs. I especially liked the Limo Dems.

BILL CLINTON: You have two cows. One is your wife, and one was your girlfriend.

[zencycler]

Re post 71: FYI, I think you and your cows might be on the wrong thread in the wrong section of FR. This is Potical Humor/Cartoons, not political diatribe.

[zencycler]

BILL CLINTON: You used to have three cows - Hillary, Monica, and one real cow. But lately, Monica is even too big for your taste, and Hillary's black pant suit just isn't doing it for you anymore. That third cow starts looking better and better, until one day you just can't help yourself.

When you come home to Hillary, there is a milk stain on your blue cardigan. Naturally, she's suspicious, and asks you if you've been messing around with either of the other two "cows". You tell her "Hillary, I want you to listen to me very carefully. I did not have sex with that bovine, or Monica Lewinsky."

[FReethesheeples]

;^)