Don't Have A Cow Over This- Humor Break

[jmp702]

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. Then you covet it.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his.

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage which ultimately blows up the cows.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5 year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows. You expropriate them. The American corporation goes Chapter 11.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

[zencycler]

RICHARD GERE: You have 9 cows and 1 bull. But then, a series of tragedies occur over the next 3 days. On the first day, 2 of your cows are killed by a group of Islamic radicals. The next day you see a group of wiccan feminists castrating, torturing and killing your bull. And on the 3rd day, an IRS auditor confiscates 3 of your cows, leaving you with only 4 cows and no bull (well, not in bovine sense of the word). Despite your grossly unfair treatment, on the 4th day you hold a press conference to say how badly you feel about the tormented souls of those who have killed or taken your livestock. So you donate 1 cow to the terrorists, 1 to the feminists, and 1 to the government, leaving you only 1 cow. The next day, at breakfast, you read about Al Gore's missing cow on your milk carton (see post #36), so you send him your last cow. You and your pet gerbil named Dingleberry move to Tibet. Life is good.

[Orion]

OAKLAND A'S: You have the most productive, leanest, meanest cows year after year. After you crush the competition in the regular milking season, you start the post milking season in a VERY strong fashion by spanking the other strongest cows. Then for no reason, you just quit producing milk, roll over, and die. Your strong cows go on to other farms and produce record milk for another ten milking seasons. You rebuild with new cows that outproduce their higher paid counterparts.

Season after season, the pattern repeats...at least Rodger Clemens can't beat you in any of the years.

1988, 1990, 2000, 2001

[Orion]

THE CLINTON FUNDRAISER: You have cows that produce milk for the Clintons, year after year. When you discover that the Clintons are also taking milk from Communist China in exchange for the latest in milking technology, you and all your cows die in a plane crash or commit suicide.

[Orion]

THE SOUTH AFRICAN FARMER: You and someone else share your farm. You have the majority of the cows, but your partner produces almost all the milk. He does not treat you as well as the farmers treat your cousins in America, but still treats you better than anywhere else on the planet. You get the farmers in America and the UK to support the ousting of your partner. All his productive cows go to the farms in the US, UK, Australia, and Canada. You start to starve and still say that it is your ex-partner's fault. Everyone feels better.

[unending thunder]

ROUMANIAN COW FARMER - First you steal two cows.

GEORGE BUSH - He has cows but all his friends call 'em steers.This puzzles him because he thinks that's the circular thing on the dashboard you use to point your car to go places.

HILARY - She IS a cow

GARY CONDIT - He's just BS.

[Orion]

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT: You have two beautiful cows, and everyone wonders if they are real.

[wingnuts'nbolts]

Not very funny.

[lafroste]

PETA: You have two cows. They cannot help but produce milk, but it would be exploitive to actually milk them so their udders become inflamed and infected. The constant mooing of cows in agony finally drives you to seek competant vetrinary assistence to help the poor cows that you refuse to exploit by milking. The vet sees no chance for the cows and you reluctantly have to shoot them. fortunately, you can point with pride to the fact that your two dead cows were never exploited by humans and were ultimately of no value whatsoever.

[kassie]

You all are sooo funny.

[cuz_it_aint_their_money]

BARNEY FRANK: You have two cows. Life is good.

Correction:
BARNEY FRANK: You have two bulls. Life is good.

[Lotabrain]

ATLANTA BRAVES

You have a fair regular milking season, just being able to produce more milk than the Mets. You have an excellent Divisional milk run and for many years a great League milk series. Your cows are then milked by the Yankees, who bought the best cows from a poor National Bovine league herd. In addition, the Yankee herd is inspired by the Mad Cow Disease inflicted on one of their cows.

[That Poppins Woman]

A PRO-DRUG WAR IDIOT: You have two cows. You're afraid that somewhere, someone may be growing and consuming a consensual, harmless drug. So you spray your cows, your lands, your streams, your neighbors' lands and bulls and streams with a lethal pesticide. All cows and bulls die. The land will not grow food anymore. The water is unfit to drink. And you and your neighbors have all been made sterile and impotent; your children have brain cancer and lukemia; and the onset of Alzeheimer's has begun. But, by God, you have foiled the efforts of the nasty pot smokers!!!

[Badray]

Ping for your Monday afternoon laugh.

[skraeling]

This thread is WAY too good to let it stop here.

[zencycler]

Oh yes - I stand corrected about Barney. Definitely 2 bulls - probably 2 underage bulls! Thanks.

[Orion]

Bump

[Orion]

The search for Al Gore's cow (see post #13) goes on. It was last reported to be on Hitlery Clinton's farm, but left in a hurry around the eleventh of September. It was rumored to be heading for St. Louis, MO. Right now, it appears to not have a home.

If you, or anyone else you know, has information on the whereabouts of Al Gore's cow, please call DEM-STOPPERS at 1-800-GOP-2004. You should not attempt to apprehend or approach the cow. It should be considered dumb and dangerous. We do know that it is spreading BS around the country in search of a home.

[Orion]

BARNEY FRANK: You have bulls escorting male calfs in and out of your house all day and night. You claim you know nothing about the activity.

[Orion]

bump

[mountaineer]

What was that, a double espresso?