Don't Have A Cow Over This- Humor Break

[jmp702]

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. Then you covet it.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his.

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage which ultimately blows up the cows.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5 year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows. You expropriate them. The American corporation goes Chapter 11.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

[jmp702]

Some of these are pretty funny

[Free the USA]

LOL bump

[FourPeas]

Bump!

[zencycler]

A TALIBAN FARMER: You bought two cows from your neighbor, who has 10,000 cows. Since they're both females, you mistreat them and completely cover their bodies in sackcloth even during the summer (lest they be spotted by your other neighbor, a lonely Taliban farmer). One cow endures this treatment, and gives milk anyway, but the other cow becomes sick, and gives no milk. Since you do not have a vet, you ask Mullah Mohammad Omar, who tells you that your rich neighbor must be a devil worshipper and has cast an evil spell on one of your cows. At his urging, you start a jihad against your neighbor, by sending wild animals into his land to take revenge on his cows, who succeed in killing a few of his cows before they're killed themselves. When your neighbor learns of this, he kills the Mullah, takes back his cows, and you spend the next 10 years working off your debt for the cows you killed.

As for the sick cow, your neighbor has it treated by the local vet, and it becomes one of the best milk producers of the herd.

[harry palmer]

HILLARY CLINTON: You have two cows. And they both look like Webster Hubbell.

[nonliberal]

SURREALIST: You have two giraffes...Dude, you gotta try this milk!

[jmp702]

lest they be spotted by your other neighbor, a lonely Taliban farmer

Don't forget the sheep. Bin Laden has been spotted leaving town with his girlfriend.

[zencycler]

BILL CLINTON: Everyone else says you have two cows. Despite this, you insist you have four. Some believe this is due to a drug-induced hallucination that makes you see double. But most others believe you're mistaking your wife, Hillary, and your mistress, Monica for the other two cows (understandable). When asked if this explains your mistake, while you don't outright admit it, you do say that it depends upon the definition of a cow.

[zencycler]

DESCARTES: You think you have two cows, and that's all that matters.

[zencycler]

OLD MACDONALD: You have one cow. Most days is says "moo moo". But sometimes it says "Ee Ay Ee Ay Oh"

[BigBadWolf]

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

LOL! No joke, my German relatives will end up taking three vactions before I take my next one.

[Orion]

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

Only if Maria Bartiromo and CNBC are covering your Cow.com corporation.

"Earnings are a relic of the past. You have to value companies in a different way these days." - CNBC staff

[zencycler]

ALBERT GORE: You have spent your whole life raising a prize cow, hoping to take first prize at the millenium state fair. When the day arrives for your cow to be judged, you only take second prize. You spend endless days and nights asking for recounts, trying to disqualify the votes of some of the judges, and claiming that your cow really won. Meanwhile, during your long obsession with the outcome of the contest, you fail to notice that your cow has run off. You go off in search of your cow, hoping to find it before the next state fair.

[Orion]

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

The price of your milk you sell goes down by 75% in the span of one year, yet you produce more and have enough inventory and production to supply 85% of the world's market during the last "boom" year. Unfortunately, you only have 15% of the market share in a drastically decling market. You are set up to lose over $2B in a calendar year on revenues of about $2B. Mooria Bartiromo hypes your stock on CNBC and people bid up your stock to be almost as valuable as General Motor's stock.

Can you say "MU?"

[Orion]

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

Actually, you have two cows, and your neighbor has two cows. You earned yours and your neighbor received his from the gov't. The Democrats propose to give one of your cows to the neighbor to buy votes (a vote which the dems will get 95% of the time). The Republicans offer to give your neighbor both cows to buy that vote. The end result is the neighbor still votes for the Dem (and has 2 cows, and sold the other two to buy drugs, booze, and cigarettes) and you vote for the Reform party because the GOP can't keep its promises. The GOP can't figure out what happened.

[zencycler]

A DOT.COM CORPORATION: You have two virtual cows on your website. Visitors to your website are asked to buy virtual milk. One of your subscribers, Albert Gore, makes frequent visits to your website hoping to find his lost cow (see post 13). A year later, your company has lost a lot of money, but since you now have 20 websites and and 40 virtual cows, your stock price has gone through the roof. Another year goes by, and your stock is worthless, your website is closed, and your creditors and investors are paid off with virtual milk.

[Orion]

A LIMOUSINE LIBERAL: You have 100 cows. The great unwashed have two cows, and the downtrodden only have one cow. You feel REAL bad over this inequity, so you vote to take one of the cows from the great unwashed and give it to the downtrodden. You keep your 100 cows and hire a private security firm to shoot any great unwashed who dare to look at your cows. You have Barbara Streisand sing at a benefit for the politicians who implemented your plan.

[SusanUSA]

Bump to read first thing in the morning. Looking forward to it!

[Orion]

A CNBC STOCK ANALYST: You have a diversified portfolio of Gooney Birds, flounders, wombats and sickly cows. You go on CNBC and say "this is a good time to buy cows. Just look at the price action of the past year (insert Ty Matheson's Hot Chart here on COW). We find cows to be extremely attractive at these levels...

In reality, the cows produce no milk and occupy a lot of grazing land. When the public starts to buy cows, the Stock Analyst's company dumps all their existing cows.

Sucker!

[jmp702]

LOL. I salute your imaginative posts.