Posted on 10/01/2018 2:25:31 AM PDT by vannrox
iberals can’t be happy with simply ruining the lives of decent conservatives for cheap political gain. They have to ruin hamburgers, too.
The burger is the ultimate Normal food, and horrible liberal elitists are trying to screw it up with lame alternative burgers because they are terrible.
Let me be clear, to quote an awful ex-president: Nothing I write here is open to debate. I’m turning the epistemic closure thing back on the libs. It is impossible to disagree with my ground beef rantings, and if you do, you are racist, sexist, and a burgerphobic cisdinner hate criminal of hatred.
Let’s clarify something else. Hamburgers are the King of American Casual Food. You can eat it in a bar, you can eat it in a car. Just don’t eat it in some trendy coastal eatery because they’ll screw it all up and you’ll end up dreaming of a Big Mac.
Sloppy Joes are gross. They are burgers’ ne’er-do-well little brother, 35 and living in the basement nursing emotional damage because mom liked burgers better. And who wouldn’t? Sloppy Joes are orangey muck plopped onto a bun. They provide none of the firm but juicy consistency, or the satisfying interplay of extras and condiments, that make the burger nature’s perfect food. They are mere goo and are unworthy of a proud and free people.
Naturally, artisanal Sloppy Joes are probably about to become a thing. CARTOONS | Gary Varvel View Cartoon
Hot dogs are likewise terrible – what the hell is a hot dog anyway? With their troubling shape, unnatural smoothness, and nauseating consistency, the hot dog is a mutant entrée, a devolved sausage without flavor or purpose. You have to waste perfectly good chili – chili that should be in a bowl topped with sour cream in a just universe – just to make a hot dog taste like something.
Even the name is unappetizing, unless you are Obama. My kid says hot dogs are really tacos because of the bread V, and he makes a good point. Except tacos are tasty and hot dogs are awful.
Eat a burger, like a man, damnit. And don’t be a Fredocon and whine about how the bun has gluten.
Millennial elitist dorks are all about screwing up burgers. “Gourmet” burgers, they call them. But they are a sad simulacrum of true burgers, and a crime against nature. The menus of those precious gastropubs that spring up in the gentrified blue coastal urban centers are loaded with “specialty burgers” with cutesy names and inane combinations of ingredients. It’s sad. Unable to create anything of value, these goateed hipster monsters can only pervert and deform that which is pure and beautiful. A burger is simple goodness. And, as they do with everything else, liberals screw them up.
A burger requires, at the threshold, good meat. There lies the first problem. This meat must come from a cow. But many of these dorks will try to create a sort of patty from something else, like (shiver) vegan pea protein. Note that peas are terrible, and only by putting them on a burger in place of a beef patty can these offensive soft green nuts be made worse.
This is an abomination and if you ever encounter one, call an exorcist stat.
But the elite can even screw up meat. Somewhere along the line, maybe when the waygu craze started, they decided that soft, tasteless beef with the consistency of wet newspaper was the bomb. You get an $18 burger (I live in LA – air costs $1 a breath) with this fancy meat, and it’s like mush. Why is it so hard to make “good meat” actually good?
But it’s artisanal, which means overpriced and bad. “Oh, the cow was grass fed and massaged and hugged and it’s favorite band was Styx,” they’ll say, like I want to be friends with the damn Dinner Horse. I want to eat it, and I want it to taste like beef. But fancy elitist liberal beef doesn’t taste like beef. It tastes like ruined dreams and the Deep Thoughts of Kamala Harris.
Beef. Normal beef. You can fry it on the grill or cook it over a flame – see, I totally embrace diversity – but it can’t be some weird mushpatty. Not if you want a burger instead of some pathetic charade on a bun.
The bun. I’m open minded. You can do the traditional sesame seed style, or a potato roll. If you want to get kinky, throw it on rye for a patty melt. I will even accept a ciabatta in some cases. But a pretzel bun? What the hell is that?
Stop doing horrible things just to try to freak out the squares.
Cheese. Some of you eat burgers without cheese for reasons I cannot fathom. This is wrong and you are wrong. But worse than putting no cheese on your burger is putting the wrong cheese on your burger, thereby making it a wrong burger.
American cheese is the quintessential burger cheese, and the name probably explains why liberals hate it. Cheddar is acceptable. Bleu cheese? That’s borderline – sure, I’ve tried it, but who hasn’t gone through an experimental phase? Recommended 10 Reasons The FBI Will Clear Kavanaugh Kevin McCullough
Swiss? Gross. Provolone? What’s wrong with you? Gruyere? Now you’re just screwing with us.
Things to put on burgers break down into condiments and other stuff. Optional condiments include mustard and mayonnaise. Not Miracle Whip. I am not even sure what that is. Also, no Sriracha, no guacamole, no BBQ sauce. Mandatory condiments are ketchup and more ketchup. One of a hamburger’s key roles is to serve as a ketchup delivery system. There’s this one trendy place in LA that will remain nameless and patronless that serves this weird tomato fruit roll-up it calls a “ketchup leather.” They got the leather part right. The burger, which hipster doofuses rave about, tastes like an old shoe.
Special sauce aka thousand island dressing aka ketchup + mayonnaise is an acceptable alternative to ketchup. Note that “ketchup” does not include “catsup” or grody Whole Foods/Trader Joe’s “organic” ketchup. The only good ketchup is mass-produced stuff you buy in a regular supermarket where they don’t sell kale.
Other stuff. Bacon? Not my scene but I won’t judge. Lettuce? Eh? Take it or leave it. Tomatoes? Yes. Pickles? Yes. Onions? Yes, grilled, fresh, or – if you are awesome – both. But nothing weird. No “tomato jam” or “onion chow-chow.”
It’s not hard. Don’t be weird for the sake of being weird and you’ll have a decent burger. Start messing with something that works and you get Obamacare.
Look. They’ve taken Hollywood. They’ve taken the media. They’ve taken the college campuses. And they’ve messed them all up. We can’t give up burgers, too.
My upcoming book Militant Normals: How Regular Americans Are Rebelling Against the Elite to Reclaim Our Democracy contains no burger recipes, because normal people don’t need burger recipes. Normals take meat, throw it on a grill, put it on a bun, put some stuff on it, and eat it like the heroes they are.
And liberals? They screw up everything they touch. The arts. Academia. Dinner.
So, confirm your normality by rejecting burger mutations. And confirm Kavanaugh, too.
HERESY!..........................
BLASPHEMY!...........................
WE WILL BURN YOU AT THE STEAK!................
I got a kick out of that, remembering the old saw about never eating at a place called "Mom's" or playing cards with a man named "Doc." A local nondescript bar/grill serves the best burgers in the area here too, and if you aren't from these parts, you'd have no idea it existed.
Yes, the Maid-Rite franchises are pretty much limited to the upper Midwest, and people from other parts of the country are often surprised to learn that the sandwiches there are not "sloppy joes." At one time, there seemed to be a policy in some of the franchise locations to not only not keep ketchup on the tables, but to avoid even saying the word.
“Which, incidentally, is the same stuff used to make the best MAID-RITES. I am a burger guy too, but will eat honest-to-God maid-rites and not feel remorse. “Sloppy joes” - ugh - are not the same thing as maid-rites.”
Maid-Rite is a distinctly Iowa thing.
I didn’t know they had locations outside Iowa until I searched the name.
They have a location at the Wings Over America truck stop in Avoca, IA.
The first time I saw one it looked like a sloppy joe without the sloppy part.
I never did try one but if I get through Iowa again I’ll make sure to give it a go.
I remember when McDonald’s was the worst burger around. Many independent burger stands were much better. Sonic is now one of the best to me, and McDonald’s has improved greatly, but our old independent burger joint is still in business.
Gone are the days when you often saw the sign...”5 BURGERS FOR A DOLLAR!” You could feed the family on an outing for that.
But then you could get 6 gallons of gas for a dollar. Just drive in and say...”Gimme a dollar’s worth of gas!
This article has more truth in it than perhaps anything I’ve read in five years that wasn’t written by Donald Trump.
Ever since I've stayed away from super pricey Japanese beef.
I will eat cheese on a pizza. That’s about it.
“I will eat cheese on a pizza. That’s about it.”
We would make a good team. I’m lactose intolerant and I’d eat everything else.
“Regular” mustard means brown mustard where you can see mustard seeds and actually grasp the organic reality of what it is you’ve applied to your burger. Dijon mustard is fine too. Yellow mustard is an unnatural and probably dangerous substance. It might be useful for killing roaches. I don’t know. Won’t allow it in my house.
That ain’t a burger, it’s a grilled sausage sammich.
Sounds tasty but still a sausage sammich.
What I mean is that a pizza is the only place I want to see cheese. I’ll push the mushrooms and olives over to your side.
Well, how about the lactose intolerant? Who wants diarrhea every time they eat a cheeseburger?
Also, Orthodox Jews. Exodus 23:19: "Thou shall not seethe a kid in his mother's milk." Which means "exnay" on the Cheeseburgers (No milk and meat together. Heck, I know some Jews who won't eat a turkey omelet because it violates the tenants of this commandment).
““Regular” mustard means brown mustard where you can see mustard seeds and actually grasp the organic reality of what it is you’ve applied to your burger. Dijon mustard is fine too. Yellow mustard is an unnatural and probably dangerous substance. It might be useful for killing roaches. I don’t know. Won’t allow it in my house.”
Don’t know about all that stuff you’re saying. Regular mustard to me means Frenches in the yellow squirt bottle. Been using it all my life and btw will be 74 next month....
For a decent hamburger butcher a Holstein cow. For some reason the taste is beyond comparison.
I miss the days we did our own butchering. We ate real meat that wasn’t half water and grease. The burgers did not shrink when cooked.
It isn’t sausage, it’s fresh ground pork. There’s a huge difference.
*- KS is corret, in order for something to qualify as a "burger" it at the very least must contain meat.
Seethe
archaic
cook (food) by boiling it in a liquid.
I’m not an Orthodox Jew, but it sure seems like it’s a stretch to say adding a slice of cheese to a burger (especially after the burger is cooked) violates “Thou shall not seethe a kid in his mother’s milk.”
RE” “Heck, I know some Jews who won’t eat a turkey omelet because it violates the tenants of this commandment).”
Trying to figure out how they milk the turkeys... :-)
No thanks on ketchup but heaps of muatard, a runny fried egg, bacon, strong onions, chile, jalapenos, cheese...just about anything elae is good
Not ketchup
“American cheese is the quintessential burger cheese”
For someone on another continent in the other hemisphere, what is AMERICAN cheese?
Food coloring, grease, and petroleum byproducts. Maybe some sweepings from the floor of a dairy barn. Nasty stuff.
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