Posted on 11/02/2017 4:25:21 AM PDT by Kaslin
Note: This is satire. It is critical to point that out because it’s 2017 and it’s hard to tell. None of this actually happened, but it totally could have.
Robert Mueller, the fatally conflicted Special Counsel in charge of the Russian collusion snipe hunt, just came out with his indictments, and there has been a lot of confusion among the lunatics, weirdos, and 23-year-old internet pundits who make up his fan base. They’ve been leveraging their extensive federal court experience, which consists of having heard that federal courts are a thing, into remarkably silly insights about the charges against Mrrs. Manafort, Gates, and Puffleupagus (sic) and how they relate to Donald Trump.
Spoiler: They don’t relate to Donald Trump.
So, in the interest of helping the ignorant, via Twitter I offered to explain what’s going on to a particularly committed and colorful commentator. For lack of a better pseudonym, let’s call her “Louise.”
Kurt: Wow, the indictments came out Monday and you’re still wearing a party hat.
Louise: This is the greatest week ever! *Blows party horn awkwardly* I still haven’t stopped celebrating these treason indictments!
Kurt: I guess that explains why you only have one shoe and your purse is on fire. You do know that no one was indicted for treason, right?
Louise: Now who’s being naïve? Didn’t you see the document? Count One, “Conspiracy Against the United States.” That’s totally treason!
Kurt: Yeah, no. A federal indictment for conspiracy, which in this case is two or more people agreeing to a plan to violate laws of the United States, is styled as a “conspiracy against the United States” in the pleadings. It’s not treason.
Louise: It’s totally treason!
Kurt: Look, “treason” is defined by the Constitution, which I assume you have heard of, in Article III, section 3: “Treason against the United States, shall consist only in levying War against them, or in adhering to their Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort.” You don’t see tax dodging and not registering as a foreign agent in there.
Louise: There’re in there, somewhere, maybe behind the penumbras and emanations and the right to make people bake you cakes!
Kurt: No, they aren’t.
Louise: But CNN said it’s treason –
Kurt: It’s not freaking treason!
Louise: Well, the indictment still shows how awful Trump is for hiring Manafort!
Kurt: Manafort and Gates had no criminal record, but I agree there was one thing that should have made the president think twice – Manafort worked on Ukraine stuff with Tony Podesta and he’s super scuzzy.
Louise: I don’t know who Tony Podesta is.
Kurt: Democrat bigwig Tony Podesta? Pal of Hillary Clinton?
Louise: I don’t know who Hillary Clinton is either.
Kurt: Whatev. Basically Mueller’s big score is nailing Manafort for long ago crimes that pre-date his three months working for the Trump campaign. And Andrew McCarthy explains very clearly why some of the charges themselves are flawed. This is not just a nothingburger. It’s a vegan nothingburger.
Louise: It figures you’re racist against vegans. What about the guy who plead guilty? George Papa…Papaoomploompa?
Kurt: I think it’s Papadoofolopolis.
Louise: Anyway, he was a central key advisor involved in every aspect of the entire Russian conspiracy. This proves collusion! This is the first crack in the dam! The tsunami is coming! I can feel it! The voices in my head agree!
Kurt: George was a goofy 29-year old unpaid fringie who got honey-trapped by some Svetlana pretending to be Putin’s niece – which a Google search would have quickly found was baloney. He’d have had to work his way up the ranks to even be a nobody. He kept trying to get the campaign to have some sort of meeting with the Russians and the campaign kept not having one.
Louise: But the Russians promised him dirt on Hillary…whoever that is. That’s collusion!
Kurt: Wait, is getting oppo from foreigners bad again? I’m confused. Last week getting the nonsense in the Steele dossier from the Russians was awesome.
Louise: Steele dossier? Never heard of it.
Kurt: And isn’t not meeting with the Russians sort of the opposite of collusion?
Louise: Oh, that’s what they want you to think. This is all part of the giant, all-encompassing conspiracy those incompetent idiots in the Trump campaign managed to conceive and execute right under our noses! And George Papadosoupulous’s guilty plea to treason is proof!
Kurt: It’s not treason! What is your weird treason thing, anyway? Look, he plead guilty to lying to the FBI. What he allegedly did – talk to some foreigner who was obviously playing up to his ego – wasn’t even illegal. You can tell it wasn’t illegal because he didn’t get charged for it. Like a dummy, he got charged with covering up something that he didn’t need to cover up. That’s the thing – they always get you for lying to them, which is why you never talk to the FBI without your lawyer, and you never lie to them.
Louise: It’s kind of like treason…
Kurt: Stop it!
Louise: It’s treasonish…
Kurt: It’s not treason! Look, they got Manafort for all sorts of shenanigans from before he started up with Trump. And they got Papajohnalopolous for lying about doing something that was totally legal to do. But you know what they didn’t indict anyone for? Actually colluding with the Russians to rig the election for Trump.
Louise: Well, it’s collusion anyway!
Kurt: How?
Louise: Under HIPAA, probably, or the Monroe Doctrine. My contacts on the web tell me that in the next few days the FISA Court’s Grand Marshall will be frog marching everyone out of the White House to Gitmo! One of my best inside sources, Zorgon of Alpha Centauri, informs me that Trump’s already got the death sentence on 12 systems!
Kurt: Hmmm. Well, I will concede that I have found someone who agrees with your assessment of the charges.
Louise: Which are for treason!
Kurt: It’s not treason!
Chet: Well, I agree with you, Louise!
Kurt: Louise, meet my friend Chet.
Louise: Wait. Is Chet a…unicorn?
Kurt: Yes, Chet identifies as a unicorn.
Louise: Where did you get a unicorn?
Kurt: Oh, I deal with Democrats and Never Trumpers all the time. I just borrowed one from them.
I guess he missed the part that could possibly lead to a perjury charge for Sessions...a possible charge against Clovis who did not know GP was cooperating when he went before GJ..and...GP says Trump was in the meeting ..so he knew about the GP proposal...
But hey.. I guess Kurt has it all figured out. Maybe he should think about why trumps lawyers were responding to why trump didnt obstruct justice after mueller asked docs...if trump isnt being investigated.
Maybe kurt can explain that GP london pic strategy and whether weissman put him up to it
But hey..what do I know??!!..I have no inside sources...I just look at the evidence in public view
Please explain your theory. I don’t know all the initials
The rage and butthurt in the comments section of the article are priceless.
GJ..GRAND JURY
GP..aas of monday..known snitch who ppossibly wore wire
London pic..posted days before unsealed charging doc but photo detectives say it is an old pic based on something in photo. Professor is from london
That scott dworkin guy who has a definite agenda claims he head rumor flynn indicted thus week..we will see
So, what do you think Clovis said given that the campaign refused to travel.
“penumbras and emanations”
I love this writer...
I have no opinion about clovis . I just know he went before GJ not knowing GP was a snitch with possible wire
Contrary to what many people here think...Mondays indictments are not all mueller has and we arent near end
Fortune has a good article up about GP from former prosecutor. The quote about getting someone to crack by threatening analogy of bloody seal on frozen ice cracked me up..because yep..its hardball.
I’ll be honest with you. I’m not impressed with Monday’s charges. Not with Manafort or Gates or Papadopoulos. ALL seem to me to have holes. I had questions about the manafort gates charges almost immediately, And they turned out to be on target. My biggest worry was that Papadopoulos might have been wearing a wire. Now my biggest worry is that the professor he cited appears to be a Clinton Foundation donor. So, my worry is Mueller investigation corruption. It is hard to fight corruption when your attorney general appears to be trapped in some wormhole in outer space.
Col Schlichter is awesome.
I now have an opinion about clovis
Good chance he has flipped. Sessions has a firestorm headed his way
Got a link?
Opinion.
Based on info today
We will have to wait and see
Meanwhile..sessions rejected russian plan but mixed stories on whether he said he now remembers he did it
Got a link?
He’s not under oath when talking to papadopolous. So, not correctly recollecting when not under oath is the burden of a low level wiretap conversation.
Franken
Al?
Yes. Sessions testified..and now he will be on hotseat
Clovis lawyer says he is not under investigation
Al was long before mueller was thought of, so if anyone it was Comey.
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