Posted on 12/29/2008 11:11:17 PM PST by goldstategop
n Part I, I made the argument that any woman who is married to a good man and who wants a happy marriage ought to consent to at least some form of sexual relations as much as possible. (Men need to understand that intercourse should not necessarily be the goal of every sexual encounter.)
In Part II, I advance the argument that a wife should do so even when she is not in the mood for sexual relations. I am talking about mood, not about times of emotional distress or illness.
Why?
Here are eight reasons for a woman not to allow not being in the mood for sex to determine whether she denies her husband sex.
1. If most women wait until they are in the mood before making love with their husband, many women will be waiting a month or more until they next have sex. When most women are young, and for some older women, spontaneously getting in the mood to have sex with the man they love can easily occur. But for most women, for myriad reasons -- female nature, childhood trauma, not feeling sexy, being preoccupied with some problem, fatigue after a day with the children and/or other work, just not being interested -- there is little comparable to a mans out of nowhere, and seemingly constant, desire for sex.
2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?
What if your husband woke up one day and announced that he was not in the mood to go to work? If this happened a few times a year, any wife would have sympathy for her hardworking husband. But what if this happened as often as many wives announce that they are not in the mood to have sex? Most women would gradually stop respecting and therefore eventually stop loving such a man.
What woman would love a man who was so governed by feelings and moods that he allowed them to determine whether he would do something as important as go to work? Why do we assume that it is terribly irresponsible for a man to refuse to go to work because he is not in the mood, but a woman can -- indeed, ought to -- refuse sex because she is not in the mood? Why?
This brings us to the next reasons.
3. The baby boom generation elevated feelings to a status higher than codes of behavior. In determining how one ought to act, feelings, not some code higher than ones feelings, became decisive: No shoulds, no oughts. In the case of sex, therefore, the only right time for a wife to have sex with her husband is when she feels like having it. She never should have it. But marriage and life are filled with shoulds.
4. Thus, in the past generation we have witnessed the demise of the concept of obligation in personal relations. We have been nurtured in a culture of rights, not a culture of obligations. To many women, especially among the best educated, the notion that a woman owes her husband sex seems absurd, if not actually immoral. They have been taught that such a sense of obligation renders her property. Of course, the very fact that she can always say no -- and that this no must be honored -- renders the property argument absurd. A woman is not property when she feels she owes her husband conjugal relations. She is simply wise enough to recognize that marriages based on mutual obligations -- as opposed to rights alone and certainly as opposed to moods -- are likely to be the best marriages.
5. Partially in response to the historical denigration of womens worth, since the 1960s, there has been an idealization of women and their feelings. So, if a husband is in the mood for sex and the wife is not, her feelings are deemed of greater significance -- because womens feelings are of more importance than mens. One proof is that even if the roles are reversed -- she is in the mood for sex and he is not -- our sympathies again go to the woman and her feelings.
6. Yet another outgrowth of 60s thinking is the notion that it is hypocritical or wrong in some other way to act contrary to ones feelings. One should always act, post-60s theory teaches, consistent with ones feelings. Therefore, many women believe that it would simply be wrong to have sex with their husband when they are not in the mood to. Of course, most women never regard it as hypocritical and rightly regard it as admirable when they meet their childs or parents or friends needs when they are not in the mood to do so. They do what is right in those cases, rather than what their mood dictates. Why not apply this attitude to sex with ones husband? Given how important it is to most husbands, isnt the payoff -- a happier, more communicative, and loving husband and a happier home -- worth it?
7. Many contemporary women have an almost exclusively romantic notion of sex: It should always be mutually desired and equally satisfying or one should not engage in it. Therefore, if a couple engages in sexual relations when he wants it and she does not, the act is dehumanizing and mechanical. Now, ideally, every time a husband and wife have sex, they would equally desire it and equally enjoy it. But, given the different sexual natures of men and women, this cannot always be the case. If it is romance a woman seeks -- and she has every reason to seek it -- it would help her to realize how much more romantic her husband and her marriage are likely to be if he is not regularly denied sex, even of the non-romantic variety.
8. In the rest of life, not just in marital sex, it is almost always a poor idea to allow feelings or mood to determine ones behavior. Far wiser is to use behavior to shape ones feelings. Act happy no matter what your mood and you will feel happier. Act loving and you will feel more loving. Act religious, no matter how deep your religious doubts, and you will feel more religious. Act generous even if you have a selfish nature, and you will end with a more a generous nature. With regard to virtually anything in life that is good for us, if we wait until we are in the mood to do it, we will wait too long.
The best solution to the problem of a wife not being in the mood is so simple that many women, after thinking about it, react with profound regret that they had not thought of it earlier in their marriage. As one bright and attractive woman in her 50s ruefully said to me, Had I known this while I was married, he would never have divorced me.
That solution is for a wife who loves her husband -- if she doesnt love him, mood is not the problem -- to be guided by her mind, not her mood, in deciding whether to deny her husband sex.
If her husband is a decent man -- if he is not, nothing written here applies -- a woman will be rewarded many times over outside the bedroom (and if her man is smart, inside the bedroom as well) with a happy, open, grateful, loving, and faithful husband. That is a prospect that should get any rational woman into the mood more often.
Thanks, seriously. But one quick comment. You said: “And the men who have married them either have to deal with it, or get out, as you did.”
Funny part is, she kicked me out. I was literally removed from my own home “without cause” (legal term).
In the USA of all places.
I hate Family Court and, by association, the US government. I am a sleeper.
Too many stories from me and so many others I’ve talked to. It was wonderful for me though, in the long run. My three (now grown) daughters are finally seeming to do ok too.
But I digress...
“Marriage is the toughest role in the world and it takes a strong couple to make it last.”
I keep hearing people say this, but I have enjoyed marriage immensely, and I don’t find it all that difficult to treat my spouse with decency and respect. He doesn’t seem to find it difficult to do the same.
We continued “dating” after the marriage.
The things that sparked the flame before the wedding? They still work afterwards -and I can’t for the life of me understand why either the man or the woman would stop doing those little things that make the difference just because they are married.
well, I am not sure it is always a falling out of love becuase love is a decision. Sometimes it gets to a point feeling love for a person who is cruel to you hurts and then you decide not to love them. For an unselfish person, it becomes a matter of self preservation.
I need tissues!!! How sweet!
Because no woman wants to be used like a toilet.
yeah, so many feel like they can cruise on autopilot once the vows are said. Women wanting their men to “just know’ what they want and men who feel like the work was done once the girl said “ I do”. My soon to be ex always talked with friends about how much work a marriage takes and how communication was so important. So when we were home, he did nothing and did not talk to me.
How in the world did we have 7 kids! LOL
If a guy cant keep some degree of his womans passion, then nothing is pretty much what he deserves.
If a wife isn't being inspired by her husband, and she knows this is preventing them from having a satisfying physical relationship, doesn't she have an obligation to bring this to his attention and help him become more of a Casanova?
>>Men can do this. Most women can’t.<<
I know you know I was joking with my previous comment, but I do believe your comment is correct.
I look at it this way: A man can send 500 men into battle knowing full well that at least 50 will be killed. It is much more difficult for a woman to do this, which is just one of the reasons there are few female leaders in ground combat (tv and movie fiction notwithstanding). A country who’s troops are led by women is almost certain to be overrun by more agressive nations.
The lack of a maternal instinct has its strengths.
>>Men can do this. Most women can’t.<<
I know you know I was joking with my previous comment, but I do believe your comment is correct.
I look at it this way: A man can send 500 men into battle knowing full well that at least 50 will be killed. It is much more difficult for a woman to do this, which is just one of the reasons there are few female leaders in ground combat (tv and movie fiction notwithstanding). A country who’s troops are led by women is almost certain to be overrun by more agressive nations.
The lack of a maternal instinct has its strengths.
“A good man has no NOT IN THE MOOD experiences!”
Bingo.
The only time I haven’t found hubby to be very convincing was when I was on my sickbed.
>>Well, yeah, but if the man was equally considerate of the womans desire thered be compromise in the middlenot it always the mans wishes only.<<
Yes, I think that is really what Dennis is getting at here. Simply “not being in the mood” on it’s own simply is not acceptable, assuming the woman understands and takes her marriage vows seriously.
>>But hes unwilling to accept women the way THEY are.<<
Actually, we don’t know that. It is not within the subject matter of the article. It is not discussed.
I’m sorry to hear she will soon be an ex.
One thing I’m noticing with friends is that either the man - the woman - sometimes both - are going through a strange mid-life thing.
They seem to want to prove they are still attractive to younger people and forget about their spouse.
It seems with some of the women they are getting restless and can’t seem to pinpoint what the problem is.
I sure hope we escape that one, because it’s scary to watch.
That’s exactly what he’s saying—and it repulses me.
If he thinks woman should be having sex when they are not in the mood because they are obligated to - then that tells me he does not want to accept women the way they are.
I agree that she should make a good effort - but to honestly ask them to just “put out” because it’s their “duty”?
Well - that message alone will stomp out alot of fires.
Well - that gave him a clue as to exactly how sick I was! LOL!
I agree. There are exceptions. There is abuse, etc. But by abuse, I mean SERIOUS abuse.
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