Posted on 12/23/2008 12:09:15 AM PST by goldstategop
Given our preoccupation with politics and economics, it is easy to forget that for most of us micro issues still play a greater role in our lives. So here are some thoughts that, as heretical as they might sound, have been found extremely helpful, sometimes even marriage-saving, from listeners to my radio show, which features a male-female hour every week.
The subject is one of the most common problems that besets marriages: the wife who is not in the mood and the consequently frustrated and hurt husband.
There are marriages with the opposite problem -- a wife who is frustrated and hurt because her husband is rarely in the mood. But, as important and as destructive as that problem is, it has different causes and different solutions, and is therefore not addressed here. What is addressed is the far more common problem of He wants, she doesn't want.
It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.
First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wifes refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. Few women know their husband loves them because he gives her his body (the idea sounds almost funny). This is, therefore, usually a revelation to a woman. Many women think men's natures are similar to theirs, and this is so different from a woman's nature, that few women know this about men unless told about it.
This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.
When first told this about men, women generally react in one or more of five ways:
1. You have to be kidding. That certainly isn't my way of knowing if he loves me. There have to be deeper ways than sex for me to show my husband that I love him.
2. If this is true, men really are animals.
3. Not my man. He knows I love him by the kind and loving way I treat him.
4. You have it backwards. If he truly loved me, he wouldnt expect sex when I'm not in the mood.
5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to sex.
Lets deal with each of these responses.
1. You have to be kidding.
The most common female reaction to hearing about men's sexual nature is incredulity, often followed by denial. These are entirely understandable reactions given how profoundly different -- and how seemingly more primitive -- men's sexual nature is compared to women's.
Incredulity is certainly the reaction most women have when first being told that a man knows he is loved when his wife gives him her body. The idea that the man she is married to, let alone a man whose intelligence she respects, will to any serious extent measure her love of him by such a carnal yardstick strikes many women as absurd and even objectionable.
But the question that should matter to a woman who loves her man is not whether this proposition speaks poorly or well of male nature. It is whether it is true. And it is true beyond anything she can imagine. A woman who often deprives her husband of her body is guaranteed to injure him and to injure the marriage -- no matter what her female friends say, no matter what a sympathetic therapist says, and no matter what her man says. (Very few men will confess to the amount of hurt and eventual anger they experience when repeatedly denied sex).
Of course, there are times when a man must simply refrain from initiating sex out of concern for his wife's physical or emotional condition. And then there are men for whom sex rarely has anything to do with making love or whose frequency of demands are excessive. (What excessive means ought to be determined by the couple before the refusals begin, or continue.) But the fact remains: Your man knows you love him by your willingness to give him your body.
2. If this is true, men really are animals.
Correct. Compared to most women's sexual nature, men's sexual nature is far closer to that of animals. So what? That is the way he is made. Blame God and nature. Telling your husband to control it is a fine idea. But he already does. Every man who is sexually faithful to his wife already engages in daily heroic self-control. He has married knowing he will have to deny his sexual natures desire for variety for the rest of his life. To ask that he also regularly deny himself sex with the one woman in the world with whom he is permitted sex is asking far too much. Deny him enough times and he may try to fill this need with another woman. If he is too moral to ever do that, he will match your sexual withdrawal with emotional and other forms of withdrawal.
3. Not my man.
Many women will argue, understandably, My husband knows I love him. He doesn't need me to have sex with him to know that. And this is especially so when Im too tired or just don't want sex. Anyway, my man only enjoys sex with me when I'm into it, too.
The importance of mutual kindness to a marriage is impossible to overstate. But while necessary, it is not sufficient. Women can understand this by applying the same rule to men. Most women will readily acknowledge that it is certainly not enough for a man to be kind to her. If it were, women would rarely reject kind men as husband material. But as much as a woman wants a kind man, she wants more than that. If a man is, let us say, lacking in ambition or just doesn't want to work hard, few women will love him no matter how kind he is. In fact, most women would happily give up some kindness for hard work and ambition. A kind man with little ambition is not masculine, therefore not desirable to most women.
Likewise, a kind woman who is not sexual with her husband is not feminine. She is a kind roommate.
Furthermore, a woman who denies the man she loves sex is not kind.
4. You have it backward.
Every rational and decent man knows there are times when he should not initiate sex. In a marriage of good communication, a man would either know when those times are or his wife would tell him (and she needs to -- women should not expect men to read their minds. He is her man, not her mother.)
But, to repeat the key point, rejection of sex should happen infrequently. And it should almost never be dependent on mood -- see Part II next week.
5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to my husband.
This is a wise woman. She knows a sexually fulfilled husband is a happy husband. (At the same time, men need to recognize that complete sexual fulfillment is unattainable in this world.) And because a happy husband loves his wife more, this cycle of love produces a happy home.
In Part II, I will explain in detail why mood should play little or no role in a woman's determining whether she has sex with her husband.
I conclude Part I with this clarification: Everything written here applies under two conditions: 1. The woman is married to a good man. 2. She wants him to be a happy husband. If either condition is not present, nothing written here matters. But if you are a woman who loves your husband, what is written here can be the most important thing you will read concerning your marriage. Because chances are the man you love won't tell you.
An interesting discussion here...
I doubt that there is one marriage on earth where the two individuals have libidos that are the same, or are in sync. This is just a fact of life.
Each couple has to work this out between them, with understanding and acceptance that marriage itself is a lifelong opportunity to learn how to better show love and affection to each other.
Love is action, not feeling.
“Women just aren’t ready at the drop of a hat, and it is the smart man who recognizes that.”
But men _can_ be ready - and it is the smart wife who realizes THAT.
Male sexuality is like a boiler. The fire is always underneath, the steam pressure continually building up inside. Every now and then, that pressure has to be released, “through the safety valve”. Then the process repeats once more, automatically, inevitably. For some men - we males would call them _fortunate_ - the “pressure” is restored more quickly than for others... :)
Men cannot control the reality that their “boiler within” is working. Indeed, it is a measure and indication of their own physical health that the boiler IS working properly. That said, males can “restrain” the pressure from blowing out indiscriminately, but to do that constantly does not bode well for their overall health. In fact, it will literally drive some males crazy.
A wise woman perceives that the “male nature” is indeed quite different from hers, and she acts accordingly.
Few men would expect their wives to satisfy their husbands’ needs when the ladies were physically ill or otherwise in obvious distress.
But a woman who too casually turns her husband away because she’s just “not in the mood” may discover something that the wise women instinctively understand: that males with too much “steam pressure” inside and no opportunities to release it at home, may go out looking for other females who _are_ willing to offer them that satisfaction.
Age old saying, and it bears repeating:
“If she was taking care of him at home, he wouldn’t need to go looking for it somewhere else.”
That says as much as Mr. Prager’s entire article.
- John
My husband married me “till death do us part.” He keeps his promises.
When we married, we eloped. I was terrified, my parents had said, “if you go out that door, don’t come back!” (I didn’t know that their threat would only last 2 weeks.)
The Justice of the Peace who married us never said either of our names right, but he ended with, “I pronounce you husband and wife in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.” I remember thinking, “Let’s see you get out of that one, Boy!” (I didn’t tell him about that thought for nearly thirty years.)
Indeed. I am in agreement as well, so my thoughts immediately went to how this may affect the younger generations.
So many of our daughter’s roommates, classmates, and friends give themselves to ANYONE : / It is very much expected, and accepted, (Duh!) by most of our son’s peers as well.
What is this going to say to the male they finally marry? How can he “know” that her giving him her body, means she loves him, if he knows that she gave it everyone? How will the male suddenly give up his habit of the “flavor of the week”?
It is certainly looking like a rough road ahead, for a lot of young people who may be not quite thinking things all the way through : |
Mama always said that it was a compliment to the first marriage when a widow or widower remarried. Of course, I’m fairly certain that she thought she would outlive him.
She died a couple of years ago, after Daddy cared for her 24/7 for nearly 2 years - even after her disease made her a mean old woman. He married again within 7 months. I’m going to take it as a compliment to Mama. (Well, most days I try. I did think I’d get over it sooner than he did.)
Dr. Laura’s “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” illustrates these concepts. Of course she was roundly trashed for her backwards thinking.
I find that appreciating each other, doing things for each other and alot of flirting keeps things nice and spicy.
Of course periodic deployments don’t hurt!
Merry Christmas! GG
My dad was happily married for 14 years until she died. She said he should not remarry, because no one would ever make him as happy as she did. After she died, he remarried after six months, because as he told me years later, he was looking for her. I was born from his third of four marriages. She was right, none lasted. But, he did often say my personality was a lot like his first wife’s. People have seen her picture and thought she was my mom, rather than my real mom.
I saw Dr. Laura’s book as an updated version of “Fascinating Womanhood”.
Libidos, thermostats, affinity for dancing, appreciation for the other’s parents.
It’s a miracle any of us stay married.
Well to be fair, it’s taken some time for this friend to come to realize his situation. When he moved into the neighborhood of course I had no idea. Then I started to see this pattern where he would call to get together, but it was always when she was out of town.
Then he slowly started to confess about her controls and it was apparent he wasn’t kidding because as we were having a lunch on a Saturday when she was away, she called and started drilling him. It was frustrating just being a bystander to it.
Most recently, he told me his family is not happy. His brother won’t talk to him and his sister has warned him that his wife is not so swell.
Told him his family does care about his and to stick with their support.
Chatting with someone is really no cause for alarm. Your friend must be on such a tight rope, he thinks everyone else must suffocate as well.
Yep, it has been 42 years here. And, my husband’s libido was lower than mine, but we worked it out.
He now has Parkinson’s, and I am his primary caregiver. It is possible to live without sex, and still be content. All the memories of the happy times, and the overcoming of difficult times help us now.
He couldn’t dance either. And, my parents were a nightmare! His were wonderful. Now I am too hot, while he is too cold.
He has a great sense of humor, which Parkinson’s is trying to steal from him.
That’s an awesome story made more so by the happy ending of 30 years later!
That you valued you valued your marriage so highly as it was sanctioned by God even more so.
Bullshit.... I just get pissed off and leave cupboard doors open and let her take out the trash... Childish things of this nature!
Mood...
Why is it, when they are in the worst of moods, they fight the sexual advances off for a while and then give in. 50 to 30 seconds before they orgasm, YOU feel like you’re being used!!
Then, bam... no more mood... But now you have to wait till they stop talking!! lol...
I once wrote a story in which was stated that some people are so comfortable in their prisons they do not notice the bars.
Maybe the better man won?,/p>
Well I’m sure you can tell us all about it after the next episode of Desperate Househo’s.
LOL
Everyone thought his wife was anti-social but I guess she proved everyone wrong.
The talking is just the price you pay for it. At least with a BJ there is that “moment of silence.”
Sounds like it’s time to trade in for a new model.
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