You must be SUCH a joy to live with.
Posted on 04/27/2008 5:54:32 AM PDT by greyfoxx39
NOTE FROM A FOSTER MOTHER
A FReeper mom who doesn't have time to post, has shared her experience with me and graciously given me permission to post her thoughts. Here is the first note from her:
"Here’s my deal. I am totally transfixed on this polygamous cult issue but don’t have the time or inclination to actively participate on the board. It must have something to do with my six kids, one of whom is disabled. I am a foster mom BTW so I’m sorta torked out of shape about all the shoddy accusations against foster parents. I know that for me, my husband and family, being a foster home is a sacrifice of love rather than a scheme for money or the opportunity perpetrate abuse on downtrodden children. We became foster parents for exactly the opposite reasons (love, devotion, christian duty) yet my small foster care contribution to society is often scoffed at and even impugned here on FR.
But as I was trying to allude to earlier, it’s hard to come up with the time (and energy, honestly) to haggle with stupidity here on the board...if ya know what I mean. Seems that every time I break down and hit "Post" I am interrupted with multiple wails of "Mommmmmmmmmmmm"
(LOL I almost said "Mother" but couldn’t do it without the sound of those empty, unison borg voices reverberating in my brain, "and then she said ‘mother! I want to stay with you! And I said ‘I am her mother! She needs her mother!’)"
Second note from foster mom:
You may share my email. I would also like to add that prior to being a foster mom I had my own run in’s with CPS. All unsubstantiated claims by people whom I angered along the way. All told I had CPS show up at my door 4 times during my 22 years of motherhood. The first few times I reacted like these ranch women, offended, elusive, unhelpful...which didn’t endear me to the state workers...they *always* ended up gaining entry (often against my protest) and always ended up leaving once they confirmed the reports were not true. After those times of dealing with the sytem I finally learned that when it comes to "the children" CPS can and WILL investigate, even outlandish and unsubstantiated claims. There is no use coping a ‘tude and being offended at the intrusion, it doesn’t work.
It was quite a transition for me to go from ‘defensive mother’ to ‘part of the system’ (as a foster mother) where now when a worker shows up to my door I greet them with a smile and offer a cup of coffee. With foster children in the mix we can expect regular visits from their workers. To be honest with you I feel more of a sense of security now that I know how the system works (that it often really DOES work, even when the claim is bogus) and have adjusted my own thinking such that I don’t rush to push ‘my constitutional rights’ the moment a worker rings the bell saying "We’ve had a complaint that..." Indeed, the children have constitutional rights also of which is the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness...which would not include a childhood of abuse!
ANYWAYS, dashing off to therapy with one of my lovely daughters.
Third note from foster mom:
One of my [young] adult Foster Son’s just dropped by (between the last letter and this), came over to say "hello" and "hang out" :-) He was with us for two years and embraces us as ‘family’ even after reaching maturity and leaving our home. I can hear him banging away on the Guitar Hero as I type, LOL. Even grown men have a little boy inside, it was my true pleasure to help this young man as he moved from boyhood to adult hood and I KNOW I did good because.. well here he is (of his own volition), we are the ones he calls "mom" and "dad" and the ones he still turns to when he needs comfort and/or support.
I need to sign off and go visit with my Son before he has to depart :-)))
There has been so much vilification of CPS and the foster care system on these FLDS threads, that we need to be reminded that there thousands of good, caring people who labor daily to give support, love and a kind, caring home to children who would otherwise never know how it felt to call out "Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!" and have his call answered with loving attention.
Ping
Such a heartfelt post. Prayers up for all the good Moms in the world, both biological Moms and the Foster Moms. There is such a need in the world for them. I consider myself Lucky, having perhaps the BEST Mom of All Time. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!
MomMomMom, what am I, chopped liver? I was a foster father for 25 years or so.
I love my mom too. She's 87 years old and doing quite well, also in November will vote for her first Republican candidate ever.
Our daughter will be 27 this May. When she was 2 1/2 her birth mother and her husband visited his sister. His sister, God bless her, saw the open wounds on her head and called the police. Both the mother and step mother went to jail. Her birth mother voluntarily relenquished custody. She was placed with a wonderful foster family. These people were/are in the same category as Mother Theresa. She was then placed with us when she was about 3 3/4. She has been over the years diagnosed as attachment disordered, mildly sociopathic, and BPD. She’s probably a little of all of those. She has made false accusations against my son as recently as three years ago to my entire family. That’s an interesting mess. LOL. She’s very bright but has very little interest in reading or education. She’s charismatic and socially very adept. She is a good mom to our wonderful granddaughter.
We love her dearly. We’re her folks and although she has her birthmother’s address and phone number and does occasionally connect with her half sibling and also could call her foster family, we’re her family and I know she loves us.
So I guess the purpose of this rant is to say that yes, what adults do can mess up a child’s head but this isn’t anything new - we can’t any of us give our children a perfect life - we can just do the best we can with what we know at the time.
I guess that the state of Texas is in that role right now on a temp basis. It sounds to me like they are doing the best they can, gathering information, working to minimize the impact of separation from their caregivers and way of life. The alternative is to send them back into what is likely a harmful situation. Maybe it’s not. That will be determined.
Anyway God bless your freeper foster friend.
Amending my last post. Mom tells me she voted for Reagan.
How heartwarming.
Similarly, I'm sure Anon FReeper Mom recognizes that there are thousands of parents out there who are good, so therefore (by her logic) we can't question any of them. Of course, that would mean that we should return those children to their mothers, wouldn't it?
I have adopted the above tone of irony because I don't believe the Mom's claim that "[her] small foster care contribution to society is often scoffed at and even impugned here on FR." I believe that good foster-care contributions are celebrated, but that doesn't mean that the attitudes around them are always on-target, or that all foster-care families are like hers.
You must be SUCH a joy to live with.
I know many foster parents who are good, loving, sacrificial people. They far outweigh the bad ones, whom I also know.
No system is perfect. Why does everyone expect foster care to be and vilify the good ones because of the actions of the very few.
Thanks to all those good, decent, hard working foster parents who are willing to live outside their comfort zones to give kids a chance who would otherwise have none.
My parents just started taking in foster kids this year (I guess having four of their own seven out of the house was too much). The little girls they’ve got have come from some awful sitations. One was taken from her mother at birth because, among other reasons, the mother decided to use crack to ease her labor pains. Another, at two, was severely underweight and her mother refused to give her pediasure like the doctor said because “she didn’t want her to get fat”. Of course there are other reasons that each of them was taken from their parents...
Now, I grew up homeschooled. I knew plenty of horror stories in the communities about CPS seizing kids, or harassing parents because neighbors called in saying their kids were truant. But on the other hand sometimes they do have to handle really bad situations, and the foster parents are mostly good people. Sure it’s not an ideal situation ever, but what is?
ping
Survey: Moms' work would bring in $138,095 a year
;^)
I think my adopted daughter may have the same symptom’s you described.
We are having a hard time with her.Some days she is so sweet, some days Satan runs from her.
I have sometimes detected a general negative attitude towards (most) foster parents here at FR.
More balance is needed. I’m glad for this thread. It will help.
I’ve never been a foster parent, but I’ve known many over the years. All of the ones I’ve known do it for love. It saddens me when I read posts here on FR that put down (most) foster parents. It runs contrary to my own experience.
I want to add my thanks for all of loving and decent foster parents out there. Thank you for your love, sacrifice, and commitment to the children in your care.
If she’s small enough to restrain, I recommend holding time outs. I didn’t know about until my daughter was 17. We took her for holding therapy to Evergreen Colorado. Holding therapy has a lot of variations and some are horrible. Ours was two licensed psychologist, her dad and I never left the room, and it lasted for about 6 hours per day for about seven days. At the end of it, she went back to her druggie boyfriend and was crazy for several more years but amazingly, for the first time, she was able to express her sense of humor. That gift was totally worth the cost in time and money.
When our granddaughter was two, we had sole custody of her for six months (don’t ask). I used holding time out on her. She would get a bit crazy as all two years old are prone to get... I would hold her snugly so that she had to look in my face and keep her legs and arms pinned. She would fight for about 30 minutes and then start to relax. All the time I would talk with her and tell her how much we love her and that she was okay. Finally, she was totally relaxed and we would go on with life. Now she comes to me at big family parties and just sits in my lap and lets me give her gentle hugs for a while and then she’s off again. So, much better than isolating the child in a time out IMHO and helps with the bonding.
4year,
thank you SO much for posting from the perspective of a foster child. My husband and I are ‘just’ about to become foster parents; we’re at the very final loose ends place where we should become approved any day now. I remember when I was little that I wanted those same freedoms (eat what you want, when you want essentially) but there were responsibilities that go with that. In other words, I don’t like the idea of controlling things just to control them. I can’t wait to have foster kids and contribute to turning them into great citizens of the greatest country in the world. Seems your foster experience helped you to achieved the same :)
She is 14 we got her @ 4.5. She is street smart but does not think her actions through.Being polite is a power play with her. Saying yes sir or ma’am is forced.
High five!
from an ex-CPS worker
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