Posted on 02/23/2008 7:54:50 PM PST by buccaneer81
No excuse for violence against women
Wilfred Langmaid DAYS BETWEEN Published Friday February 22nd, 2008 Appeared on page C10
You deserve so much more than this.
So don't tell me why he's never been good to you.
Don't tell me why he's never been there for you.
And I'll tell you that why is simply not good enough.
- Good Enough by Sarah McLachlan
In the early 1990s, very shortly after my ordination as a priest, I attended a seminar with a group of Anglican clergy. That day, I was told more than one in 8 women was a victim of abuse.
As such, I could make that very assumption as I looked out at my Sunday morning congregation whilst standing in the pulpit.
I was shocked -- and hard-pressed to believe that.
Five years ago, I interviewed Rev. Joanne Barr for an article. Barr, who recently retired as a United Church minister and part-time minister at UNB, was speaking about her work on a course on behaviour and abuse.
She said, "One-third of the women who sit in the pews on Sunday mornings are victims of abuse."
Nearly 20 years after my ordination and having been exposed to all manner of evidence of our fallen creation, I accept Barr's statistics.
Accept? Actually, that is the wrong word.
I concede this sad fact is all too true.
In fact, it is this fact that troubles me more than any other as I reflect on this week's Silent Witness project which this year is for Shaila Bari.
Bari, a UNB student, was killed in July 2003. Her estranged husband is serving a life sentence after being convicted of her first-degree murder.
On Wednesday, the New Brunswick Silent Witness Project with the University Women's Centre, the Multicultural Association of Fredericton and Global Union held a Silhouette Dedication ceremony in Bari's honour.
I never knew Bari, but I know many colleagues and students who were touched by her during her far-too-short life.
I also know I am a member of a privileged lot. How would I say that I am privileged? Well, I am educated, white, Anglo-Saxon in descent and gainfully employed.
And I am male.
Through no particular merit of my own -- in fact, simply because my father contributed a Y chromosome to the genetic mix that led to my birth -- I am part of the privileged gender.
However, I keep being haunted by that one in three statistic. It reminds me of the pained expressions and flimsy excuses I used to see and hear when a female parishioner would appear with obvious bruises or heavy makeup.
It reminds me of boorish, sexist comments I have heard from members of my
gender.
It reminds me of less enlightened times in my own life when I lacked the courage to speak up.
It also reminds me of a horrific discussion I had with a female parishioner when I worked in congregational ministry. She came to me sheepishly even though her husband had been verbally, physically and sexually abusive to her for some
time.
Her reluctance to speak up stemmed from her experience the first time she spoke up to a clergy member. Then, she was told her calling was to be a good wife and be faithful to her husband.
It is our collective responsibility as a civilized society to promote gender equality. Violence against women is wrong on every level.
Pretending it is not an issue or dismissing it as a private matter is immoral.
There is no excuse for the behaviour. There is no excuse for us buying our heads in the sand. We are all part of the problem.
Shaila Bari, at the very least, deserves that attitude adjustment on our
part.
She serves as a silent witness to a clear wrong.
Wilfred Langmaid is the student advocate with Student Affairs and Services at UNB and a lecturer in biology at UNB and STU. He regularly writes on popular music and religion for The Daily Gleaner.
Glad to hear there a a few winners out there. Sad part is, the kids never win.
...unless a mob of renegade feminists starts an attempt at genocide.
There’s no excuse for adultery. There’s no excuse for sodomy.
Aside from the standing up to do the fighting, that's because of his sex, not so much his gender. Sex = male/female. Gender = masculine/feminine.
Yep. Limestone. My mom was from New Brunswick and my dad was a B-52 pilot. I have relatives in Caribou and Houlton.
My ex was never a good wife, but I never raised a hand to her. My mistake was trying to keep things together for the sake of the kids. That all ended when she killed her boyfriend..... Shot him in my kitchen with my gun. Shot my new fridge too. I was out of town and had to come home to clean up. She lied to the cops and put on an act and got off on self defense.
We divorced and she got a better lawyer than me, which I paid for. I got custody of my 4 kids, she got the house and alimony for life due to her disability (gone dopey due to drugs).
Absolutely right. My ex screwed around at work and got my son and $800 a month from me.
What a country!
Many of the statistics in this subject area do exactly what you suggest - such as including unwanted oggling along with violent rape. My surprise is that such broad statistics are so low.
If we're talking about someone with a gun or a knife who is within 10 or 15 feet of me, no it doesn't matter what sex they are! A demented woman with a knife can ruin your whole day (or week or life)!
I also "carry" on a regular and recurring basis; I will warn someone only once (if the opportunity allows) that I will "defend myself if necessary with lethal force". If they take th hint, I will let them walk away; if they don't, I will do as I've promised (and then call 911).
No, they don’t unfortunately. However, he has a wonderful relationship with his teen daughter and he fought hard for that. And, he and his brother now have a good relationship with their dad.
I’m a woman. The author of this article is a wuss. There are abused women but I question the numbers. It does a disservice to the women who really are abused or raped, when there’s been so much watering down of the definitions or the assumption that anyone who claims either MUST be telling the truth (LAX case).
The fact that he claims to be of the privelege class, re white male, says all I need to know about him. The white male is the only class that can’t claim *victim* status and is the only portion of our society today that gets screwed in everything. Seems like he has white male liberal guilt.
My Dad was a Navigator in a B-36 until he was grounded for some reason (possibly alcholism?) and became the Squadron Supply Officer...
I’d like to hope so; my wife and I went to see her in September. She was terminal with Cancer and died on October 25th but she was the one who comforted us and told my wife not to cry because “we will see each other again.”
I posted because I can clearly tell, and I don’t even know you personally! God bless her and your family. I’m sorry for your recent loss.
That's terrible. But I know a man whose wife cheated. He threw HER out of the house and got full custody of their son. OTOH, I know a woman whose husband up and left her (presumably for someone else), and she had to give him half of everything including her inheritance (he had brought nothing into the marriage). So, the idea that men are wronged all the time in divorce cases is not always the case.
I'd say, if one spouse commits adultery, hence breaking the marriage vows, the other automatically should receive primary/full custody of the children, and the cheating spouse should be awarded no financial support. Some other laws need to be changed, too.
I’ve never understood how some men can beat their wives and survive. They have to sleep sometime.
I’ve never understood how some men can beat their wives and survive. They have to sleep sometime.
You went off on yldstrk for reasons in your own mind. It was uncalled for. You want to talk about character, a real Freeper would suck it up and give him a no-strings apology.
No, that's not even close to being true.
Our "collective" responsibility is to teach children right from wrong and to teach them wisdom.
Is abuse wrong? Absolutely, and men and women should both be taught not to be abusive. While abuse of women by men is more visible and is decried more often, the opposite also occurs. More typically, men abuse physically while women abuse verbally or emotionally. In either case, the abuse is wrong.
Tolerating abuse of one's self is also wrong, and while there are some legitimate excuses, they are far fewer than society sometimes leads us to believe. Simply giving up and saying that one's self-image is too weak to walk away from the abuse is not an excuse. Giving up in that way is wrong.
Often abusers seem to be the most desirable of partners. Women abusers are sometimes very beautiful. Men abusers are sometimes very handsome and charming. The abuser's allure is no excuse for someone to stay with an abuser.
When someone is chronically and deliberately abusive, the law should punish the abuser. At the same time, most of the "no tolerance" and similar "strict" laws are mostly invitations for manipulation. If we as a society spent more time instilling children with self-respect, we'd go much further to stopping abuse.
Bill
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.