Posted on 02/23/2008 7:54:50 PM PST by buccaneer81
No excuse for violence against women
Wilfred Langmaid DAYS BETWEEN Published Friday February 22nd, 2008 Appeared on page C10
You deserve so much more than this.
So don't tell me why he's never been good to you.
Don't tell me why he's never been there for you.
And I'll tell you that why is simply not good enough.
- Good Enough by Sarah McLachlan
In the early 1990s, very shortly after my ordination as a priest, I attended a seminar with a group of Anglican clergy. That day, I was told more than one in 8 women was a victim of abuse.
As such, I could make that very assumption as I looked out at my Sunday morning congregation whilst standing in the pulpit.
I was shocked -- and hard-pressed to believe that.
Five years ago, I interviewed Rev. Joanne Barr for an article. Barr, who recently retired as a United Church minister and part-time minister at UNB, was speaking about her work on a course on behaviour and abuse.
She said, "One-third of the women who sit in the pews on Sunday mornings are victims of abuse."
Nearly 20 years after my ordination and having been exposed to all manner of evidence of our fallen creation, I accept Barr's statistics.
Accept? Actually, that is the wrong word.
I concede this sad fact is all too true.
In fact, it is this fact that troubles me more than any other as I reflect on this week's Silent Witness project which this year is for Shaila Bari.
Bari, a UNB student, was killed in July 2003. Her estranged husband is serving a life sentence after being convicted of her first-degree murder.
On Wednesday, the New Brunswick Silent Witness Project with the University Women's Centre, the Multicultural Association of Fredericton and Global Union held a Silhouette Dedication ceremony in Bari's honour.
I never knew Bari, but I know many colleagues and students who were touched by her during her far-too-short life.
I also know I am a member of a privileged lot. How would I say that I am privileged? Well, I am educated, white, Anglo-Saxon in descent and gainfully employed.
And I am male.
Through no particular merit of my own -- in fact, simply because my father contributed a Y chromosome to the genetic mix that led to my birth -- I am part of the privileged gender.
However, I keep being haunted by that one in three statistic. It reminds me of the pained expressions and flimsy excuses I used to see and hear when a female parishioner would appear with obvious bruises or heavy makeup.
It reminds me of boorish, sexist comments I have heard from members of my
gender.
It reminds me of less enlightened times in my own life when I lacked the courage to speak up.
It also reminds me of a horrific discussion I had with a female parishioner when I worked in congregational ministry. She came to me sheepishly even though her husband had been verbally, physically and sexually abusive to her for some
time.
Her reluctance to speak up stemmed from her experience the first time she spoke up to a clergy member. Then, she was told her calling was to be a good wife and be faithful to her husband.
It is our collective responsibility as a civilized society to promote gender equality. Violence against women is wrong on every level.
Pretending it is not an issue or dismissing it as a private matter is immoral.
There is no excuse for the behaviour. There is no excuse for us buying our heads in the sand. We are all part of the problem.
Shaila Bari, at the very least, deserves that attitude adjustment on our
part.
She serves as a silent witness to a clear wrong.
Wilfred Langmaid is the student advocate with Student Affairs and Services at UNB and a lecturer in biology at UNB and STU. He regularly writes on popular music and religion for The Daily Gleaner.
But I feel that less than 5% of people HERE will—or even accept that women can abuse man in ANY way. To most --it is ALWAYS the man's fault--no matter what the situation.
You're absolutely right. I used to be one of them.
I have some knowledge of this too. A good friend of mine was divorced by his wife. I knew that family well.
I was shocked and amazed at the lies she told.
In the end even the kids testified that their mother was telling lies.
Result. She was given a pass by the judge. Not so much as a reprimand.
(Had it been the other way around he'd probably be in jail for giving false testimony)
All in all it was one of the dirtiest and messiest things I ever saw. It was sickening.
Update: The Archbishop of Canterbury thinks sharia law is inevitable, so stop worrying. Beating women is a good thing.
I imagine the Duke Lacrosse players feel much the same way.
Where is the OUTRAGE for THAT LIE and COVER UP?? The whore did NOT face ANY penalty—the guys were facing LIFE!!
But..then...it seems to be “what everyone wants”
Most here don’t get THAT phrase either.
Thomas Sowell gives a hypothetical statistic in his book “The Vision of the Annointed:”—”90 percent of left-handed men kill, rape, mutilate or criticize their wives.” He points out you can high percentage on terrible acts if you include something at the end of the list that is not so horrible but accounts for most of the cases. Presumably, most men have criticized their wives at some point.
With the “abuse” statistic, I’d like to see what is defined as “abuse” before I give too much credence to that 1 out of 3 statistic.
I mostly represent guys......I represent a lot of poor people.......you don’t know anything about me.......
One of the moves over the years was to elevate mere comments to the level of physical abuse. I kind of laugh at this, because my former wife would get depressed and rail at me for literally hours on end. She would walk right up to me about a foot or two away and just scream. With two young kids in the house, I didn’t want to leave because I knew it would be the end of any meaningful parental rights. I should have left for their sake, but that was proven to be a false premise later on.
At any rate, both sides abuse the other. A lot of women have no idea what it is like to be a guy and find out you must leave the home and stay 100 yards away from it from then on out.
Many women get the home, the children, almost 100% of the community property, child support and alamoney.
At the end, many men just walk away rather than ravage the home their kids still live in.
At 40 years old my home was gone, shortly my car too, only my clothes and a few other trinkets to my name. And when it came my day to see the kids, she either promised them they could do something with friends or they were dressed in rags, even though I was providing support for them.
As for having them for a weekend, what a hoot. My money was going to the former household. How do you start over when a significant portion of your check is gone before you see it.
Meanwhile the former Mrs. moves on, taking weekend trips with the spoils of war, and you’re the great Satan.
I know this kind of talk drives women crazy, because every lady knows a women who has had a tough time. 80% of men who go through divorce have a story to tell similar to mine. I don’t think 80% of women do.
Thanks for the truth.
My Mother left my Dad in February 1957; my Dad was an alcoholic who was both abusive and unfaithful to my Mom. She took myself and my two sisters and drove from an Air Base in northern Maine to her parents' home in south central Florida. It took her 5 days to make the trip. We stopped every night at a motel along the way; there still dirty gray snow on the ground for the first couple of days and then everything began to turn green as we got further south. We ate breakfast and dinner and bought bread, sandwich meat and sodas to make lunch in the car as we drove.
I've heard that many women stay with their abusers because "they don't know what else to do or where else to go" - well my Mom knew what to do and where to go. There have always been people who are willing to help provided the abused could find the courage to take the first step. I agree with you - he is a wuss and 'real men' are not the problem! More specifically, I'm not part of the problem! I've never hit my wife of now over 39 years and I've never "turned away" from anyone who asked for my help. However, as my old First Sergeant used to say, "I don't have ESP!"
I don't always see the bruises or the 'extra heavy make-up' but that doesn't mean I'm uncaring or ignoring the problem, it simply means that I didn't see it! Sometimes people are concerned about their own problems, wives, children, parents, siblings, jobs, or other interests. So, this is not for you but for all the other "wusses" who occasionally sneak into FreeRepublic - don't try to lay that "stuff" on me - that dog don't hunt!
One last thing; there is an old western adage, "God didn't make all men equal - Colonel Colt did!" When a woman is finally ready to stop being abused, there are people and agencies that can and will help her (and if necessary, her children). The next thing she should invest in is a Course on Safe Firearms Handling (preferably by an NRA Certified Instructor) and then a handgun. If she lives in a state that refuses to allow it's citizens to own handguns, she should consider relocating to a state that does allow it.
My Mom built a house in 1960 and thereafter kept a revolver on the top shelf in the hall closet; I never touched it and I'm fairly certain my sisters didn't either.
You really are a lawyer (I mean a wuss.)
Loring? That's where my parents met.
Does it matter what sex they are?
I agree with your post. I saw what my oldest brother endured IN his marriage and especially during the divorce/custody. His oldest son was going through a divorce and finally saw what his own father had endured. Fortunately, he refused to let the system screw him and fought back and won, unlike my brother.
lol, nope
That was the place (just outside of Presque Isle). My baby sister was born there. In those days (before the advent of car seats) I was her “car seat” for those five days going to Florida...
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