Grandma Needs Money. Now What?

Wall Street Journal ^ | 6 January 2008 | JEFF OPDYKE

[shrinkermd]

My grandmother recently, and reluctantly, asked if I could give her some money.

There's no question my wife, Amy, and I will give her the funds; she raised me and is, by and large, the woman I consider my mom. She has always been kind to Amy. If we have the discretionary cash that can make my grandmother's life happy, shouldn't we hand it over?

Yet the request has caused us a lot of angst.

Part of our concern is where this will lead. Although my grandmother isn't asking for a lot of money -- just a few hundred dollars -- when you open your wallet to family members, the first time is rarely the last. We don't want to get in the position of becoming my grandmother's ATM.

But it's more than that. Amy and I have worked hard to earn this money, and it's frustrating to have somebody want to tap into our account. What's more, my grandmother will no doubt use the money for things that we'd never buy ourselves. We don't want to feel like suckers for funding a lifestyle that we might consider indulgent.

So that leads us to the question we've been grappling with: When providing financial assistance to a family member, is it fair to say the money comes with constraints on how it is spent? Or, is financial assistance an exercise in unconditional love?

[Lokibob]

What a selfish SOB.

.....Bob

[ClearCase_guy]

I will give her the money and say nothing.

Opdyke's message to America:

"MY GRANDMOTHER IS SPONGING OFF ME AND SPENDS HER MONEY IN WAYS WHICH I CONSIDER FOOLISH. HOWEVER, BECAUSE I AM A CLASSY GUY, I GIVE HER THE MONEY AND SAY NOTHING!"

[GovernmentIsTheProblem]

“So that leads us to the question we’ve been grappling with: When providing financial assistance to a family member, is it fair to say the money comes with constraints on how it is spent? Or, is financial assistance an exercise in unconditional love?”

He could always pay off her bills or whatever himself, rather than give her the cash. Or say sure, but the money is going to a financial planner so you can be more self sufficient.

Or, give her the money out of shame and penance for embarrassing her in public like he did in this article.

[pandoraou812]

We don't want to feel like suckers for funding a lifestyle that we might consider indulgent.

Maybe grandma didn't want to raise him but she did. I would think a few hundred dollars is nothing compared to what she did for him. Maybe she was the sucker....She gave her time and probably her money to give him a life. What a selfish man. If I were the grandma I would never ask him for a dime after he went & aired my business.

[MARTIAL MONK]

I admit that I am not as reflexively selfless as my friend. When my grandmother asked for money, I immediately started thinking about her spending that I consider wasteful. She regularly pays for brunch for herself and friends, and frequently hosts parties for friends. If she didn't do these things, I thought, she wouldn't need my money. And while I don't mind paying for my grandmother's brunch, I don't particularly want to treat her friends.

So, just buy her some dogfood and tell her to shut up.

[Mr. Lucky]

Bingo.

[AppyPappy]

There’s a lot of disconnect here. She’s not asking for money. She is asking for affirmation of her worth. If she truly needed the finances, she would ask for help rather than just ask for the cash. She can get a loan from the bank.

[CaliGirlGodHelpMe]

“I will give her the money and say nothing”.

I guess me meant, other than to write about it in a national publication, completely humiliating her and her friends.

What a bleeding hemorrhoid. I can only hope that, when he’s old, his children treat him to a little bit of his “we owe those who brought us into the world nothing” philosophy.

And just for the record, SHE didn’t give birth to him; she unselfishly RAISED him which she was under no obligation to do. The turd.

[getmeouttaPalmBeachCounty_FL]

Absolutely! Shame on him for bringing shame to her! I would have NEVER done that to my grandmother who gave me 39 years of love and care and laughter. What a selfish turd. He ought to give back as penance by serving at a nursing home, and for crying out loud, give her the money.

[SierraWasp]

"I’m just saying . .:

I really like what you're saying in that splendid tagline of yours!!!

[BipolarBob]

Being from Arkansas, I have had the up close and personal experience of being governed by the Huckster.

[in hoc signo vinces]

Bingo...you pay up for granny...there’s no question about it but there is a question when a family member is a deadbeat and asks you for cash.

My Dad was/is a real POS...he really did very little for me when I was a kid, and considered me inconvenient...however I became convenient when I had a good paying job and he was out of work for the third time...then I was asked to help with his mortgage....then help pay his credit card bills...and on, an on... My Mom divorced him...not for financial reasons, but b/c he was crappy to her...I permanently lent my dad some money (he is my Dad) but he kept coming back...he would just take a job to help pay his bills...b/c he was entitled to a higher paying job...etc... always an excuse as to why he couldnt pay for things...finally I told him I couldnt give him any more money...it was a hard decision...but I had already done more for that man than he had ever done for me...and I realized he’d take my last dime even if it put me in the poor house if it put him in a better position...

My Mom was truly the only real parent I have (or ever had)...she always supported me however she could...so...if she ever asks for money...it’s hers...no questions.

[qam1]

Xer Ping

Ping list for the discussion of the politics and social (and sometimes nostalgic) aspects that directly effects Generation Reagan / Generation-X (Those born from 1965-1981) including all the spending previous generations are doing that Gen-X and Y will end up paying for.

Freep mail me to be added or dropped. See my home page for details and previous articles.

[knuthom]

If you, the giver, don't agree with how the person spends his or her money, do you have a right to impose your restrictions? Do you have a right to tell someone to change his or her spending habits in order to get any money from you?

I absolutely believe that if I give a family member money, I do have a right to impose restrictions on how it is spent. If they do not agree with my restrictions, they do not have to accept the money.

I help my son financially. He is disabled and has recently had to quit working. The money does come with restrictions. I allow him to charge a certain amount every month on a credit card that I pay. I see the credit card charges and have some idea what he is spending it on.

When I saw that he was charging fast food and restaurant meals, I told him I was not going to pay for that. I don't eat out much because it is too expensive, so why should I pay for him to do it? If you are short on money, eat at home or pack a lunch.

[in hoc signo vinces]

sorry this should have been

“he would NOT just take a job to help pay his bills”

[Fido969]

These old people lived high on the hog for a long time. They fooled us with Social Security, drawing out 10 times what they put in, while we can expect a return of about 1%, if anything. They made 10 times the original investment in their homes, while leaving us with a bloated over-valued market. They enjoyed a generation of government programs and grants, while sticking us with debt the our great-grandchildren will be paying off.

“The greatest generation” my arse. Grandma can suck it up and go begging to AARP for her weekly bingo money.

[stinkerpot65]

My philosophy on money to relatives is always consider it a gift with no strings attached. If they ask for too much, just tell them you don’t have it.

[ishabibble]

Especially since this isn’t his mother, it is the grandmother who raised him.

I know nothing of this man except this article. Only a no-class creep would write something like this, and I wonder what Grandma thinks of her plight being published in the newspapers?

[stuartcr]

I think this issue is a little too personal to broadcast to the whole world.

[Bahbah]

Is this guy a liberal?