Posted on 01/01/2008 1:04:38 PM PST by AuntB
The Mike Huckabee campaign will show that The Gong Show is alive and well in Arkansas. (Outdoorsmen will agree that Iowa would be a better place if the pheasants hunted the Huckabees.)
It is likely this epidemic of Hollywood stars adopting African children be formalized into a program called Affirmative Adoption. (After the Michael Vick affair, let’s hope Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie do not buy these kids any puppies.)
An automobile company will fire its advertising agency’s CEO for suggesting its newest model be named the Oldsmobile Chappaquiddick.
Hillary Clinton will propose a new Health Care System to spend billions of dollars to find a cure for which there is no known disease.
Welfare recipients will form a new organization under the slogan “Take the money and whine”.
Bill Clinton will be unable to find a smooth way not to bring himself up in every conversation. (That is the qualification of a world class bore.)
Scholars will remain undecided on the question of which is more phony - compassion among politicians or objectivity among journalists.
The assassination of Benizar Bhutto will prove again that Moslems cannot be civilized or sanitized, and that Islam is not a religion – but a psychosis. An Al Qaeda spokesman will reveal on Al Jazeera Television that Bhutto was assassinated because she wasn’t ugly enough to be an Arab woman.
The Fox News Channel will consider changing the name of its show to Hannity and Futility.
Charles Darwin pretty well sorted out the species on Galapagos Island. He’d still be working on it in San Francisco. Incidentally, as another convenience for San Francisco’s homeless, all restroom doors will open directly into the street.
George Bush’s railroading of Border Patrolmen Ignacio Ramos and Jose Campean will list him in history as a villain of Dickensian proportions.
Senator Fred Thompson’s ambivalence about running for President will be less baffling when people realize he got his political orientation in Hollywood where everyone is afraid they won’t get a job that they really don’t want.
Film critics will finally work up the nerve to ask Steven Spielberg the significance of the title of his movie “The Color Purple” when it is apparent there weren’t any purple people in it.
Hollywood stars will consider a tour of the Al Qaeda camps to entertain the terrorists. Susan Sarandon should be another good reason for them to blow themselves up.
Psychologists will determine that expecting the Clintons to turn their backs on another chance at power will be like expecting finicky vultures to send their entrées back to the kitchen.
Vermont will no longer call itself a state – but declare itself a species.
Some Hollywood stars will organize a drive to donate blood to Fidel Castro -
as soon as they can determine what type blood he has on his hands.
The departure of The Sopranos will show that boredom on television can pick up where it left off without missing a beat.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger may consider taking those 22,000 criminals he’s putting out on the streets and organizing them into another Nazi Party - like that other Austrian did.
It’s anybody’s guess which football teams will face each other in this year’s Steroid Bowl. (However, Saudi Arabia is a cinch to win the Oil Bowl again this year.)
Joseph Lieberman will sound increasingly rabbinical when he’s wrong.
No one will care about what happens to Lebanon less than the Lebanese.
Transsexuals will describe themselves as people who changed their minds a little bit lower.
Barbara Walters, the Norma Desmond of television, will celebrate her Anniversary on the boob tube. It’s her Pleistocene Anniversary and people will say she looks every eon of it. People will continue saying “You only live once”, but they will be obliged to consider the possibility that Walter Cronkite has been old more than once.
[Note: A prominent Egyptologist will advance the theory that Barbara Walters and Walter Cronkite are descended from the same mummy.]
Baseball fans will start to consider it is just possible that Roger Clemens managed to become a big strong boy who could throw a baseball fast without using steroids. Stranger things have happened.
Historians who say Hitler sent six million Jews to the ovens will advance their belief that Hillary would have made them carry their own luggage.
Ron Paul says Lincoln should have bought the slaves and turned them loose, but will be unable to rationalize that the buying and selling of people is what started all the shit in the first place.
[Note: Since Ron Paul received an endorsement from the whore house in Nevada called the Bunny Ranch, it will be revealed that it is the same whorehouse that received a rave endorsement from Bill Clinton.]
A Hillary Administration will have more gays in it than the Ballet Russe of Vermont.
Critics, who monitor the programming on the gay television channels, will conclude that homosexuality is depravity and lesbianism is entertainment.
Considering the erratic paths they take in life, members of the boomer generation will adopt the sobriquet “boomerangs”.
Happily in the coming election, the American people will celebrate the fact that they won’t be forced into making a choice between an Anus from Arkansas and a Cretin from Crawford.
Sexologists will speculate that going to bed with Hillary must be an experience akin to getting circumcised with a box cutter.
It will be revealed that the Bush Administration in the U.S. and the Calderon Administration in Mexico both have a Department of Collusion. (Along those lines, to paraphrase the Greek dramatist Euripides, whom the gods would make cowards, they first get jobs at the U.S. State Department.)
Since the FDR Administration, the Democrat Party will boast they have managed to keep poverty stabilized. That doesn’t seem like progress.
It will surprise no one that Caucasian evangelicals may be the last loyal, patriotic, intelligent, moral, and caring people left in America, but there may not be enough of them in their right minds to vote against Hillary.
The government is going to open the gates of the overcrowded prisons if, on the way out, the inmates promise to tell the media that the fact that most of them are black is just a coincidence.
Academicians will conclude the Clintons are the cause of the present swoon of the educational system.
Hillary promises if she is elected oil prices will drop faster than Bill’s pants. The last time Bill dropped his pants he missed the floor completely.
Hollywood stars will confer as to when will be the best time to shop the African Orphanages for their Annual Pick-of-the-Litter Sale.
Psychologists will judge that Harry Reid is living proof that in the United States Senate brain death is not necessarily a political liability.
The Hollywood cognoscenti, which populate a world of successful failures, will state its worst flop of the last ten years was Sean Penn’s rescue mission to New Orleans in his leaky dinghy.
Theologians will judge that secular progressivism is actually pagan proselytizing, and that atheism now has more missionaries than Catholicism.
The paparazzi will determine that Chelsea Clinton looks like she got a running start on middle age.
Democrats will be classified as the party of perpetual adolescence.
Ten minutes after his plane lands in America, Democrats of the Latino Caucus will meet Fidel Castro’s plane in order to issue him a green card.
John Kerry will continue to change his mind more often than a turtle trying to make a u-turn without leaving home. Instead of awarding himself any more decorations for his performance in Viet Nam, Kerry will receive a well-deserved mention in the Yellow Pages.
By awarding the Nobel Prize to Al Gore, the folks in Norway will have confirmed the conventional wisdom that they are up the fjord without a paddle. (It’s hard to believe the State of Tennessee that produced Al Gore is the same State of Tennessee that produced Sergeant York.)
Anthropologists will offer as evidence, with Clinton coming from Arkansas, Bush from Texas, Gore from Tennessee, and now Huckabee coming from Arkansas (again) that somewhere along the line Evolution took a wrong turn up a dirt road.
At the demand of the Arab population, the Brits will agree to turn Westminster Abbey around so that it faces Mecca. Shame!
and this …
George Bush will not find a reason to stop doing whatever it is he’s doing.
***
Happy New Year, Everyone!
Regards, AuntB
Funny and on target as usual.
“Ron Paul says Lincoln should have bought the slaves and turned them loose, but will be unable to rationalize that the buying and selling of people is what started all the shit in the first place.
[Note: Since Ron Paul received an endorsement from the whore house in Nevada called the Bunny Ranch, it will be revealed that it is the same whorehouse that received a rave endorsement from Bill Clinton.] “
This is so sick and in such poor taste. Now, why is it that I can't stop laughing?
“It will be revealed that the Bush Administration in the U.S. and the Calderon Administration in Mexico both have a Department of Collusion. (Along those lines, to paraphrase the Greek dramatist Euripides, whom the gods would make cowards, they first get jobs at the U.S. State Department.)”
Bless you Aunt B - and Happy New Year.
Norm
I don’t know who “Firehat” is, but he needs an editor.
“I don’t know who “Firehat” is, but he needs an editor.”
Well goodness knows there is always one more critic. Looks like it’s you today. No sense of humor, eh?
FR is more than fortunate to have him as a long time member.
NORMAN LIEBMANN aka FIREHAT
Norman Liebmann is a former Television writer (Johnny Carson, Dean Martin), wrote and produced Chico and the Man; created the characters for The Munsters (who are all named after his relatives); worked on many great, legendary TV shows such as Baretta and the Dick Van Dyke Show; worked in feature films and theatre; and is a brilliant and insightful columnist/humorist. He received an Emmy Nomination (Bob Newhart Variety Show) and was awarded Writer of the Year (Radio TV Daily).
Cold, but funny
Please Norm, resume your TV writing career. I have 250 channels and nothing is on..uggh.
(I did think Larry David's show was funny:)
sw
"John Kerry will continue to change his mind more often than a turtle trying to make a u-turn without leaving home."
It applies to Hillary(!) as well.
Firehat is always good for laughs!
I got so disgusted with it that I got rid of the satellite and have only one station..CBS..and now it’s ALL reruns because of the writers strike.
YO DA LADY
I'm tired of paying for nothing.
sw
Nah, Firehat is da man!
Happy New Year!
firehat: Great! (as usual) Keep up the good work.
Ron Bawl
Thanks for the Ping
This is funny
LOL
“Norman Liebmann is a former Television writer (Johnny Carson, Dean Martin), wrote and produced Chico and the Man; created the characters for The Munsters (who are all named after his relatives); worked on many great, legendary TV shows such as Baretta and the Dick Van Dyke Show; worked in feature films and theatre; and is a brilliant and insightful columnist/humorist. He received an Emmy Nomination (Bob Newhart Variety Show) and was awarded Writer of the Year (Radio TV Daily).”
— —
Firehat, You need to get back out there writing! That stuff is a RARE combination of dead-on-the-mark and funny as hell.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.