Posted on 11/30/2007 8:18:46 AM PST by qam1
Extreme parenting has come to be associated with images of overly involved parents — this generation's stage parents, who manage and control every minute of their child's life, imposing their adult dreams and desires onto the little ones in a pathetic attempt to fuel their own insatiable need for success and recognition. As familiar as this parental profile has become, another form of extreme parenting has emerged, one that is getting harder to ignore. I am referring to the increasingly ubiquitous parenting approach that rejects the use of the word "no," and in which even the most reasonable degree of parental limit-setting is consistently absent.
Most of us have been in social situations where we've observed, with incredulity, a parent bow to the extreme demands of a menacingly persistent child, inches from a tantrum — "Okay, but honey, that's your last package of Twizzlers before breakfast." Worse, many of us too often have been that parent. What is happening here? I thought the Dr. Spock generation put an end to tyrannical rule within family life a few generations ago. It did not. In too many families the tyrant still rules — but today he is much shorter.
How did the power balance in our parent-child relationship become so off-kilter? In what other relationship would we give in to someone we love, as a matter of course, saying "yes" to every demand, every whim, no matter how unreasonable — and expect our emotional connection to remain unharmed? "I know, dear, our new neighbor really is a knock-out, especially in that two-piece. Well, okay, but just this once, and don't be home too late, it's a work night."
On the very far end of the non-confrontational parenting trend, and seemingly designed for parents who would rather get out of the driver's seat altogether, is an organization called Taking Children Seriously. TCS adherents attempt to parent without infringing upon the children's will. When there's a conflict, they find a compromise between the child's and parent's desires; eliminating the win/lose dynamic. The examples provided on their website seem absurdly idealistic, and impossible for any parent who needs to care for a newborn sibling, meet a deadline or get dinner on the table to implement. Not to mention, this approach seems to overlook the profound limitations of a young child's capacity for reason and impulse control
Aside from this extreme example, this recent transformation in child-rearing appears to be a twisted, supercharged version of what began benignly as a "child-centered" approach to family life. Its effect on our children is attracting notice — and not just among our in-laws. Several new books have appeared within the last year, each identifying a cultural phenomenon of concern to any of us who are attempting to raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted children. If the experts' predictions are on target, we're facing a future filled with overgrown, ill-tempered, and entitled Baby Hueys who will spend their adulthood wondering why they can't sustain an intimate adult relationship or hold down a decent job.
It's not just that many American parents are under-parenting by not setting reasonable limits. Paradoxically, we are also over-parenting by making every effort to ensure that our children are not given the opportunity to fail. At the same time, our pediatricians are urging us to cut back on the excessive use of hand sanitizers and antibiotics (kids need exposure to some germs if their immune systems are going to successfully fight the really bad ones), our child development experts are telling us to stop excessively slathering our children with the word "Yes." Our kid's emotional "immune systems" need exposure to life lessons that involve at least the risk of disappointment, failure or emotional turmoil if they are going to be able to withstand the bigger setbacks and losses they will inevitably face in adulthood.
An increasing number of childcare experts suggest that American parents are in dire need of a comprehensive re-evaluation of how effectively we are raising our children. If parents, like most employees, received an end-of-year job evaluation, this year's would be a particularly uncomfortable assessment. Don't even think about a performance-based bonus...........
GOOD post.
I hope parents here take the time to read it.
Ping list for the discussion of the politics and social (and sometimes nostalgic) aspects that directly effects Generation Reagan / Generation-X (Those born from 1965-1981) including all the spending previous generations are doing that Gen-X and Y will end up paying for.
Freep mail me to be added or dropped. See my home page for details and previous articles.
Children are born liberals. The role of parenting is one of civilizing them into conservatives.
Great article...we do need to protect our children, but we don’t need to bubblewrap them.
Want the short answer to the headline?
Yes.
MA is making it illegal to swat your kid on the butt.
Children are born liberals. The role of parenting is one of civilizing them into conservatives.
If only this message would fit on a bumper sticker.
“Most of us have been in social situations where we’ve observed, with incredulity, a parent bow to the extreme demands of a menacingly persistent child, inches from a tantrum — “Okay, but honey, that’s your last package of Twizzlers before breakfast.” Worse, many of us too often have been that parent.”
We’ve all been there. It’s so much easier to just give in, and I’ve been guilty of it occasionally but you have to find the energy and willpower to remain vigilant. It only helps them down the road and life and helps retain your own sanity for the long term. ;)
Anyone who wants to raise their child correctly needs to read “Child Training Tips”.
Yes.
The most insightful statement I have read in a while. If you give little hedonists everything they want they will grow into big hedonists.
Or the book I’m currently studying, Dr. Dobson’s “The Strong Willed Child.”
I admit that our own sons have a great deal in the way of material possessions. It is hard to come up with ideas for Christmas or birthday gifts, because frankly, they have so much already. They don't have as much as their peers, however, and certainly far less in the form of consumer electronics, let alone expensive clothing. Thanks in good measure to my tough-as-nails husband, they hear "no" quite regularly. They help with yard work and house cleaning, which was a normal thing in households of our youth. In our community, this is now rare. Most of the yard work is done by "Manuel and Jose" and the housecleaning by "Juanita and Maria". Most local kids don't have a clue how to clean a toilet, change a cat box, set a mousetrap, use power tools, or start a push lawnmower. It's not good for them, and when times get tough, they'll have a steep learning curve.
Dem-O-Brats.
Absolutely correct, I’m horrified at the parenting I see around me, and my daughter is as well. My husband and I consider it a badge of honor that our children often told us growing up that we were the ‘meanest parents ever!!’
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