Posted on 11/13/2007 7:08:30 AM PST by Responsibility2nd
Marriage is a foundation of civilized life. No advanced civilization has ever existed without the married, two-parent family. Those who argue that our civilization needs healthy marriages to survive are not exaggerating.
And yet I cannot, in good conscience, urge young men to marry today. For many men (and some women), marriage has become nothing less than a one-way ticket to jail. Even the New York Times has reported on how easily "the divorce court leads to a jail cell," mostly for men. In fact, if I have one urgent piece of practical advice for young men today it is this: Do not marry and do not have children.
Spreading this message may also, in the long run, be the most effective method of saving marriage as an institution. For until we understand that the principal threat to marriage today is not cultural but political, and that it comes not from homosexuals but from heterosexuals, we will never reverse the decline of marriage. The main destroyer of marriage, it should be obvious, is divorce. Michael McManus of Marriage Savers points out that "divorce is a far more grievous blow to marriage than today's challenge by gays." The central problem is the divorce laws.
It is well known that half of all marriages end in divorce. But widespread misconceptions lead many to believe it cannot happen to them. Many conscientious people think they will never be divorced because they do not believe in it. In fact, it is likely to happen to you whether you wish it or not.
First, you do not have to agree to the divorce or commit any legal transgression. Under "no-fault" divorce laws, your spouse can divorce you unilaterally without giving any reasons. The judge will then grant the divorce automatically without any questions.
But further, not only does your spouse incur no penalty for breaking faith; she can actually profit enormously. Simply by filing for divorce, your spouse can take everything you have, also without giving any reasons. First, she will almost certainly get automatic and sole custody of your children and exclude you from them, without having to show that you have done anything wrong. Then any unauthorized contact with your children is a crime. Yes, for seeing your own children you will be subject to arrest.
There is no burden of proof on the court to justify why they are seizing control of your children and allowing your spouse to forcibly keep you from them. The burden of proof (and the financial burden) is on you to show why you should be allowed to see your children.
The divorce industry thus makes it very attractive for your spouse to divorce you and take your children. (All this earns money for lawyers whose bar associations control the careers of judges.) While property divisions and spousal support certainly favor women, the largest windfall comes through the children. With custody, she can then demand "child support" that may amount to half, two-thirds, or more of your income. (The amount is set by committees consisting of feminists, lawyers, and enforcement agents – all of whom have a vested interest in setting the payments as high as possible.) She may spend it however she wishes. You pay the taxes on it, but she gets the tax deduction.
You could easily be left with monthly income of a few hundreds dollars and be forced to move in with relatives or sleep in your car. Once you have sold everything you own, borrowed from relatives, and maximized your credit cards, they then call you a "deadbeat dad" and take you away in handcuffs. You are told you have "abandoned" your children and incarcerated without trial.
Evidence indicates that, as men discover all this, they have already begun an impromptu marriage "strike": refusing to marry or start families, knowing they can be criminalized if their wife files for divorce. "Have anti-father family court policies led to a men's marriage strike?" ask Glenn Sacks and Dianna Thompson in the Philadelphia Enquirer. In Britain, fathers tour university campuses warning young men not to start families. In his book, From Courtship to Courtroom, Attorney Jed Abraham concludes that the only protection for men to avoid losing their children and everything else is not to start families in the first place.
Is it wise to disseminate such advice? If people stop marrying, what will become of the family and our civilization?
Marriage is already all but dead, legally speaking, and divorce is the principal reason. The fall in the Western birth rate is directly connected with divorce law.
It is also likely that same-sex marriage is being demanded only because of how heterosexuals have already debased marriage through divorce law. "The world of no-strings heterosexual hookups and 50% divorce rates preceded gay marriage," advocate Andrew Sullivan points out. "All homosexuals are saying...is that, under the current definition, there's no reason to exclude us. If you want to return straight marriage to the 1950s, go ahead. But until you do, the exclusion of gays is simply an anomaly – and a denial of basic civil equality."
We will not restore marriage by burying our heads in the sand; nor simply by preaching to young people to marry, as the Bush administration's government therapy programs now do. The way to restore marriage as an institution in which young people can place their trust, their children, and their lives is to make it an enforceable contract. We urgently need a national debate about divorce, child custody, and the terms under which the government can forcibly sunder the bonds between parents and their children. We owe it to future generations, if there are to be any.
Stephen Baskerville, Ph.D., is assistant professor of government at Patrick Henry College and President of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children. His book, Taken Into Custody: The War Against Fathers, Marriage, and the Family, has just been published by Cumberland House Publishing.
I think you are using the term "put on a pedestal" to mean "be shown general respect". But that isn't what "put on a pedestal" means. In means to set someone above yourself and idolize them. To worship them, in essence.
Little girls fantasize about being the Princess and being put on a pedestal, but adult women quickly learn that it isn't real or sustainable.
My wife fits the description your laying out. The hard part of it comes in that she realizes she has a problem and has attempted numerous times to fix it. The humility and frustration of her effort has caused me to give it more time. Unfortunately, my 12 year old stepson was diagnosed with type 1 Diabetes in August. She has told me she will never be the same and is using anger as a shield to deal with it. Somewhat of a dilema. I can always support her and my the boy to give him the best treatment possible, I am financially stable but it’s back to a life of anger and misery. Where does selflessness end when I don’t want to come home any more but feel I must? The home is not my castle, don’t think it ever really was since I bought it 3 years ago. It’s another set of problems the moment I walk through the door and the tension can be cut with a knife. Opinions and thoughts?
I guess I meant more like unconditional respect...
I never said a woman should not be on a pedestal.
I hope it all works out for you one day.
Mom also realizes her behavior is destructive but seems incapable of changing it. She is getting better, but a lifetime of getting your hand smacked teaches you to eventually quit holding out your hand, and I pretty much have. The anger is partly self directed, and mostly because they don’t know any other way to deal with wahtever life throws at them. With people like my mom and your wife, control is a huge issue. What they can’t control, they belittle or strike out at.
Daddy avoided the problem by working out of state for months at a time. He’d walk back in the door, the kids would be all over him, and Mom would say something like—the trash needs to be taken out. You never do anything around here, in a very scathing tone. She is incapable of dealing with intense emotions without being angry.
I understand where she comes from and try to accept her limitations. She was 5 when her father died and her mother was an extreme alcoholic. She never learned the skills necessary to cope emotionally with other people. Everything is about her.
I’m with you on the tension. It is extremely unhealthy for everyone involved. That’s why I said earlier that I refuse to fight with my husband. I can’t deal with that kind of tension, and I won’t. I tell him how I feel and let him make up his own mind. Sometimes I think my reaction to my mom’s outbursts goes too much the other way. I have to pushed beyond endurance to actually retaliate.
Mom loves us, as much as she can, and she thinks everything is hunky-dory. Her idea of a hug is a church hug—put your hands on shoulders and brush cheeks. Thank God the rest of us take after Daddy’s side of the family. Hugs are full body contact. We all wisshed they would have divorced years ago. Maybe they’d have been happier.
It’s already all worked out for me.....:)
The current crop of Sex and the City, Gloria Steinem, no consequences, raised ladies are no deal either.Then they say,oh go find one in church,NO DIFFERENCE.Honestly I know so many young and middle aged women embittered by their choices in men, they can spoil milk just walking past a refrigerator.Marriages do not fail in a vacuum.It seems like they all date the same rotten bag of man-boys and ignore the hard working, capable and honest man.I am looking off the continent for my future wife.Previous postings on internet brides be damned.I might as well try that,none of the scenarios seem any worse as here anyway.
I seriously considered suicide. Had my son not gone by me in the hall on one of his little errands and said in passing "I love you, daddy" I wouldn't be here today.
That would have been the night I did it.
Hang in there, N&V. If not for yourself, for your son. He needs at least one sane, rational parent! One of my cousins told my Dad they were both going to Heaven, no doubt about it, because they’d already been thru Hell here on earth.
I guess one person’s idea of Jesus would have preferred that I die.
The kids are doing much better than they would have as survivors, or if they had lived in a house like I grew up in, with the solid wall of tension lurking just inside the front door.
I’m glad.
I can’t see staying with anyone that makes you that unhappy. Shakes head. I’ve considered leaving my husband before—who hasn’t? We stuck it out because we weren’t that unhappy—just your normal, everyday disagreements.
Besides, I always told him that if I left, I didn’t want alimony or child support. I just wanted him to take the kids! Joking of course, but at the time, the kids were little. Oldest son is severely ADD, daughter was great but extremely bright, needed lots of stimulation, and youngest son was colicky. He slept about 4 hours out of 24, in half hour naps. The rest of the time he screamed.
I can laugh now, but for a couple of years, I was walking dead.
Tough call—maybe sometime when he’s really down and needs to know that his life has really made a difference?
I have a friend that has considered/talked about suicide since high school. It breaks my heart to think that she feels so unloved. She is a wonderful person and much loved, but it doesn’t matter how much we tell her that—she doesn’t hear it.
LOL! The Eeeeeeeeevil Slime Mom and I had the same conversation! We both said you can have 'em...
(We are getting along pretty well now, and sometimes refer to each other as The Eeeeeeeevil Slime Mom and The Eeeeeeevil Slime Dad with a wink and a smile)...
Pretty much what I'm thinking, or some time when he needs to be reminded of the power of saying "I love you."
Rough one.
Looking back now with a buffer of years, I wish we’d had more. In reality, one more would have finished me!
Although, we do have one grand, and he’s is the worl’d best! Wish you could have them first!
>> the rest end in death.
Strange how the marriages that end in divorce last longer.
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