My wife fits the description your laying out. The hard part of it comes in that she realizes she has a problem and has attempted numerous times to fix it. The humility and frustration of her effort has caused me to give it more time. Unfortunately, my 12 year old stepson was diagnosed with type 1 Diabetes in August. She has told me she will never be the same and is using anger as a shield to deal with it. Somewhat of a dilema. I can always support her and my the boy to give him the best treatment possible, I am financially stable but it’s back to a life of anger and misery. Where does selflessness end when I don’t want to come home any more but feel I must? The home is not my castle, don’t think it ever really was since I bought it 3 years ago. It’s another set of problems the moment I walk through the door and the tension can be cut with a knife. Opinions and thoughts?
Mom also realizes her behavior is destructive but seems incapable of changing it. She is getting better, but a lifetime of getting your hand smacked teaches you to eventually quit holding out your hand, and I pretty much have. The anger is partly self directed, and mostly because they don’t know any other way to deal with wahtever life throws at them. With people like my mom and your wife, control is a huge issue. What they can’t control, they belittle or strike out at.
Daddy avoided the problem by working out of state for months at a time. He’d walk back in the door, the kids would be all over him, and Mom would say something like—the trash needs to be taken out. You never do anything around here, in a very scathing tone. She is incapable of dealing with intense emotions without being angry.
I understand where she comes from and try to accept her limitations. She was 5 when her father died and her mother was an extreme alcoholic. She never learned the skills necessary to cope emotionally with other people. Everything is about her.
I’m with you on the tension. It is extremely unhealthy for everyone involved. That’s why I said earlier that I refuse to fight with my husband. I can’t deal with that kind of tension, and I won’t. I tell him how I feel and let him make up his own mind. Sometimes I think my reaction to my mom’s outbursts goes too much the other way. I have to pushed beyond endurance to actually retaliate.
Mom loves us, as much as she can, and she thinks everything is hunky-dory. Her idea of a hug is a church hug—put your hands on shoulders and brush cheeks. Thank God the rest of us take after Daddy’s side of the family. Hugs are full body contact. We all wisshed they would have divorced years ago. Maybe they’d have been happier.