Posted on 07/25/2007 3:35:03 PM PDT by Sonora
Could we start a Joke thread? Political or other category Jokes - humor and laughing prompts one to live longer - I try to find some each day.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey, we serve a drink here that is named after you”. The grasshopper says “You gotta drink named Larry”?
Q: What’s brown and black and blue?
A: A brunette that told one too many blond jokes.
That’s a great one to remember, you can ingratiate yourself with any blonds that are sick of hearing blond jokes.
Also if you ever hear someone telling the ‘Why do dogs lick themselves?’ ‘Because they can’ joke. Follow up with ‘I don’t get it, anybody can do that. Maybe you should pet him first!’
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”
“What do you mean? I’m fine.”
“What about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” said the pirate, “we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”
“Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands.”We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook , and I feel great, really.”
“Oh,” said the bartender, “what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes.”
“One day when we were at sea some seagulls were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them seagulls sh*t in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird sh*t!”
“ Aye, but it was my first day with the hook.”
Well. . . since I was accused of favoring pedophiles on a thread yesterday, I guess I’ll tell a joke about one.
A man come home to his apartment to find his live-in girlfriend packing her belongings. “What’s going on?” he asks.
The girlfriend looks at him coldly and says, “I’m leaving you forever. I’ve learned the truth about you. You’re a pedophile!”
“Pedophile?” the man says. “Pedophile?”
He pauses. “Such a big word for a girl as young as you to be using.”
What does a tightrope walker and a man getting oral sex from whoopie Goldberg have in common?
Both are too afraid to look down....
What’s a blond turned upside down ?
A brunette with bad breath
(ducking now)
What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs?
Nice boobs!! : )
save
A man is gofling on vacations in Ireland...hies the ball into the rough...it bounces into a stand of trees.
The man goes looking for the ball and finds it beside a small man dressed all in green.. a leprechaun! The ball hit the leprechaun in the head and knocked him cold.
The golfer quickly tries to bring the leprechaun around and when he does he's worried if he's alright.
The leprechaun laughs and says "Yes, I'm fine but I have to admit you caught me fair and square so I owe you three wishes.
The golfer is relieved the little man is ok and says "Oh NO! I have everything I need. I'm just happy your ok!"
With that the pair part company.
But the leprechaun is touched and thinks he's never met such a nice man so he decides to give him everything any man could ever wish for.
Number one: to become a great golfer.
Number two: to have money in his wallet whenever he reaches for it.
Number three : a great sex life.
A year later the same golfer is at the same course and he hits the ball into the same woods. When he goes to fetch it he runs into the leprechaun again. The two exchange plesantries and the leprechaun asks, "So how has your golf game been?" The leprechaun inquires about the man's finances and he responds saying he always has money in his wallet.
The leprechaun is smiling to himself and asks about the man's sex life.
The man blushes and stutters and doesn't answer.
"Come on,," says the leprecahun, "Tell me how many times a week you get it."
Again the man blushes and admits that he might get it a couple of times a week.
The leprechaun is stunned...wonders why his spell didn't work and says, "A couple of times a week! Why you should be getting it several times a night!"
Still blushing the man answers saying, "Well you have to understand...I'm a priest in a VERY small parish!"
prisoner6
He didn't have a reservation.
oohh baby, i thought mine might draw some punches, glad u came in right before i did... (hehehe, always loved that joke though)
How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
“Never mind, I’ll just sit here in the dark”.
What’s got four legs and chases cats? (sic)
“Mrs. Katz and her lawyer.”
A case of Schlitz.
He asks how's it going,
Fine he says,
Hows the wife he says,
Oh she is an angel,
Good for you the guy says, Mine is still alive!
(ba-da-bump)!
It's the one with white-out on the screen.
Hillary (O&A) Clinton
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offered.
“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening
a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest
and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on
the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring,
and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, “Now, back off!! Or you’ll answer to me!”
St. Peter was impressed, “When did all this happen?”
“Just a couple minutes ago.”
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”
The husband just looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, “Honey, the car won’t start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
“What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?” was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he’s walking through the door. “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”
He just looked at her and said “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, “Honey, how come there aren’t any more leaks, and the car’s running?”
She replied nonchalantly, “Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.” “Wow, did he charge us anything?” asked the husband. “No, he just said that he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him” she said.
“Cool. What kind of cake did you make?” asked the husband. “Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.SENIOR SEXThe tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."
A Florida couple both well into their 80s, go to a sex Therapist's' office.The SalesmanThe doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says: "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment; they have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”
The man replies, if we go to the hotel down the street, it cost $100 for a room. If we come to your office, you charge us $50; Medicare pays $40.
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
"Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
"Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
"Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said 'down the coast,' so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."The boss says, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?"
The kid answers, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishing."
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.