Jokes Only

Could we start a Joke thread? Political or other category Jokes - humor and laughing prompts one to live longer - I try to find some each day.

This morning on I- 94 ,

I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac

doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don’t scare easily.

But she scared me so much;

I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers !
_____

Ending It All

An 83-year old woman decided that she’d seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.

After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.

The trouble was, she wasn’t certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver’s door! The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in 3 minutes.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “ You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” he responded indignantly.

The cop replied, “You didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“OH, NO!” screamed the lawyer in shock. “Where is my Rolex?!”
____

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an 18 year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?” The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.” the doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.” “And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “no.” The doctor continued, “the bear dropped dead in front of him.” “thats impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “someone else must of shot the bear.” “Thats kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.
_____

toughest questions for men...
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is:
“I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was
just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you
are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, **** loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette.”). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed

Well, no one is interested in my joke thread, so it does appear that I need to entertain myself - and, yes, some times I do laugh a second time. On the other hand, you do have a point - I could be going south, but entertaining myself while on that long strange trip.

One day G-d was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told G-d, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

G-d thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.”

So G-d called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to G-d and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.”

G-d was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said? ...

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either!!!

Men, you really should study this. Most men that I have met seem to have missed the class when it was covered. Here’s a refresher course for you.

1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this
means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This
means something, and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do
It!

5. Loud Sigh : This is not actually a word, but is a
non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for
the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous
statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay
means she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question,
or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8 . Whatever : Is a
women’s way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman has
told a man to do several times, but is now doing it
herself. This will later result in a man asking
“What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3.

A list of things that men wished women would understand.
NOTE: We don’t to call them rules, since women ignore the rules anyway!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. (For that matter, yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.)

2. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

3. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. And besides, Dogs are better than cats, period.

4. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time. Besides, you have more than enough clothes in the closet. Just look past the acres and acres of shoes!

6. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

7. Yes, it’s about time you admit it to yourself: Your brother is an idiot.

8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

9. Check your damn oil! If you wait for the little light on the dash to light up, IT’S TOO LATE!

10. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

11. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

12. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

13. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

14. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99.
Hot Breakfast: $4.20.
Two Aspirins: $.38.
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Although I’m not Jewish, I am a vegetarian (health reasons) so no canned ham, please.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat

1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
Field Marshall Helmuth Carl Bernard von Moltke
3. Friendly fire ain’t.
4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
14. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
15. Don’t be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
17. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to ‘occupant’.
18. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets...printed at different scales...uphill...and in the rain.
19. Logistics is the ball and chain of armored warfare.
Heinz Guderian
20. The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.
21. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
22. A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
George Patton
23. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.
24. Tracer works both ways.
25. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
26. War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact.
Attributed to Napoleon
27. Boldness becomes rarer the higher the rank.
Karl von Clausewitz
28. Never reinforce failure. Failure reinforces itself.
29. Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate. The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%.
Douglas MacArthur

30. Tactics is for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
31. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he’s fallen back too far.
32. It isn’t necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
33. No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside that of the enemy.
Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson
34. Only numbers can annihilate.
Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson
35. Always know when it’s time to get out of Dodge.
36. Always know how to get out of Dodge.
37. Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
38. Priorities are made by officers, not God. There’s a difference.
39. Always honor a threat.
40. The weight of all of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.
41. Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant.
Charles Edward Montague
42. Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.
43. There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
44. A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost.
Ferdinand Foch (Principles de Guerre)
45. Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander.
Jerry Pournelle
46. All warfare is based on deception.
Sun Tzu (The Art of War)
47. A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.
Otto von Bismark
48. No combat ready squad ever passed inspection. No inspection ready squad ever passed combat.
49. Five-second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.
50. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
51. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
52. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.
53. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
54. Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.
55. When in doubt empty the magazine.
56. Snow is not neutral.
Frunze Military Academy
57. The B-52 is the ultimate close air support weapon.

_______

Sunday’s sermon was-—Forgive Your Enemies.

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

“Mrs. Jones?”; “Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any.” She replied, smiling sweetly.

“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual.

How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight.” she replied.

“Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

“I outlived the bitches.”

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section —
Buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you —
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it —
Buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want —
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies —
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores —
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually —
Buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...

Then....................................

Buy a cat!

(You thought I was talking about men didn’t you!)

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told
the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding
gown for her fourth wedding. “Of course, madam,” replied the sales
clerk,
“exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?”

The bride to be said: “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”The sales
clerk hesitated a bit, then said, “Please don’t take this the wrong
way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides
who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be
nice?”

“Well,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s
directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.
Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a
first-tim e bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our
wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I
got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon
that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each
other again.”

“What about your third husband?” asked the sales clerk.
“That one was a Democrat,” said the woman, “and every night
for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good
it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.”

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone”.

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

“This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

“I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

“Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

“When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook”.

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. All the while, the phone was still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her”.

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