Doug Giles: The Ten Commandments for My Daughter’s Potential Boyfriends

God, in His providence, has seen fit to bestow upon my wife and me two beautiful girls that we must steward into greatness. It has been a blast watching my daughters develop into righteous and rowdy, gorgeous girls. The thing that sucks with their metamorphosis into womanhood is the guys who’ve begun to buzz around our happy nest interested in my ladies.

As much as I don’t like the idea of their dating, I have got to suck it up and accept it (bartender, I’ll have a shot of whiskey). All you dads who are worth your salt and give a crap about your kid . . . you know how hard it is to let your girls go (I’ll take another shot, please).

Even though I’m slowly coming to grips with my kids growing up, I’m not throwing out my brain and becoming a hip and groovy dad who curls up in the corner in the fetal position without an opinion regarding their dating life.

Not only do I have an opinion regarding wannabe suitors, I have 10 commandments for potential boyfriends. Yes, seeing that I’m still the Alpha dog of the Giles castle, that I still pay the bills, buy the SUVs, pay for College and secure their condos, then by God, I’m still makin’ the rules. I am Doug Almighty, got that Rico Suave? What I’m about to reveal unto you is an attitude-laden afflatus, so . . . be afraid. Herewith are my 10 commandments for my daughter’s potential boyfriends. Read them and weep.

1. Thou shall understand that your presence doesn’t make me happy. Young squire, don’t expect me to be giggly when I meet you. As a matter of fact, you’re ruining my life right now. Therefore, don’t try to be cute with me. That stuff may work on my daughter or my wife, but it does not work with me.

Actually, you should expect nothing from me in the way of the warm and fuzzies. You’ve got to earn that. I don’t care who you are or who your momma is. Your presence represents a transition that I’m not really ready for, so just stay the heck back and be real cool. And know this: I’ve got a PI doing a background check on you right now.

2. Thou had better have a life. My wife and I have worked our tails off providing a good life for our girls; therefore, you better have one, Spanky. Let me spell it out for you just in case you don’t get it. You must have something positive going on in that thing you call a life.

Additionally, you must be pursuing said noble goal at Mach2 with your hair on fire. If you’re a slacking, blame-shifting, visionless slug with genital warts who’s waiting for someone to carry them into greatness and who lives by the dictates of his ding dong, then you need to find a girl who doesn’t have a father like me.

3. Thou shall not touch my daughter, or I’ll tear your hands off and you’ll have to “whip the bishop” with a stub. Not only am I not cool with your being around me, I’m sure as heck not down with your touching my daughter. Therefore, when you’re in my space (and in my absence) you’d better treat my daughters with the utmost respect.

Do not under any circumstance hang all over my daughter, fondle my daughter or soul kiss my kid until you have a wedding ring on her finger, a joint checking account and MMA at Wachovia—or I will shove your Justin Timberlake backside off my 3rd floor balcony first chance I get, capisce?

4. Thou shall look me in the eye, shake my hand like a man and turn off your cell phone. I don’t care how Snoop Dog acts and what you’ve seen on MTV or in the movies. If you come into my house mumbling, with your shades on and texting the entire time you’re around me, you’re probably going to be spending the next couple of days in ICU.

I want eye contact. I want you to see my soul, son. I want to look you in the eye when I communicate things regarding my girls and their lives. So, take the shades off, Hollywood. In addition, if and when I extend my hand, grab it like you mean it. Where I come from, a limp hand shake = limp life, Twinkle Toes. Also, when you’re at my casa, your phone goes on vibrate. I’m sure you’ll like that.

5. Thou shall understand that you are a boy talking to a man. Here’s some 411 to meditate upon before you address me. I am at least twice your age. I used to be a drug user/dealer until God zapped me. I’ve been in many fights. I’ve shot at felons. I faced down too-many-to-count charging wild boar. I’ve spent years in Tae Kwon Do. I’ve traveled the planet, planted churches and started businesses. You, on the other hand, use Proactiv and drive a Ford Focus; therefore, you will call me “Mr. Giles” and my wife “Mrs. Giles” until we tell you any different.

Also, don’t gush around me nor attempt to read me an entry from your journal. I’m not Oprah or one of your metrosexual buddies that you can share all of your inner fears and deepest needs with. I am a Neanderthal.

6. Thou shall know that our family is old school. Do not even think about approaching me with liberal, hippy, agnostic, atheistic, anti-American or tree humping bull crap. I was raised by country-loving, God-fearing, hard-working, meat-eating, good ole’ Texan parents, and I have zero tolerance for what your long-toothed, rather mannish lesbian sociology teacher at Columbia U programmed you with—you dig?

7. Thou shall know that I like cool and expensive gifts and you shall provide unto me this bounty, if you’re smart. One great way to earn my favor is to buy it. Yes, you’d be shrewd to approach me like the three wise men did baby Jesus, namely with gold, frankincense and myrrh.

For example; I like high quality cigars (nothing below a 90), Johnnie Walker Blue Label, Chimay Grand Reserve, books on hunting Africa and old British double rifles. I also like original art work, R&B and classic rock compilations, collecting skulls, hunting and big game fishing trips, antique Christian and Classic books, custom choppers and early twentieth century African safari memorabilia.

Who knows . . . I might, might, ask you to join me for a nice cigar session with me and the boys if thou comest bearing such offerings.

8. Thou shall understand that if you’re dumb enough to tell me a dirty joke, I’m comfortable enough with kicking your butt. I’m not one of your thug buddies you can go down the gutter with. I want maturity when you are around my family.

9. Thou shall keep your word. If you say you’re going to do something, then I expect you to do it. You see, I’m looking for stability/reliability for my ladies, and keeping your word in the smallest matters tells me that you’re ahead of the pack and at least a consideration, in my mind, for our support.

10. Thou shall do these three things: 1) Look good. Do not come into my house with earrings, a grill, or over sized pants with your butt cleavage hanging out. 2) Read. If I have to talk to you, you had better know as much about as many things as possible. 3) Serve. I’m looking for a sacrificial dude who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty in helping around the house, in our community, in our nation and with our wonderful world. If you, young man, obey all the words written here, then and only then will you have a chance with my babies. Now, go get me a beer.

I think he’s probably aiming for an audience of girls’ fathers, and hoping to get their attention with description of the kind of guys their daughters are probably exposed to.

As I’ve said above, I don’t think it’s a bad concept, just that the presentation doesn’t work for me.

He's a guy. He's talking to other guys. His courseness will protect your daughters, and you, from events that will rip the living heart from their, and your chest, and condemn you to soul ache and moribund depression lasting for years.

Appreciate it even if you do't understand it. It is not ordained that you comprehend everything that saves your ass.

'Scuse me.

Probably all parents think like Doug Giles, and would agree with his 10 principles.

However, what is NOT factored in here is that Planned Parenthood's tax-funded Family Life classes (which are taught in virtually all schools from K-12) is teaching HIS kids the exact opposite of his wishes. This is done without Giles' knowledge or consent.

In fact, PP'hood's tax-funded "Family Life Classes" TEACHES KIDS that it's not necessary that they love their parents, nor do they owe allegiance to their parents.

When you tell parents this, they laugh in your face---figuring NOBODY would ever teach their kids that nonsense BECAUSE THEY WOULD KNOW ABOUT IT.

Better think again.

In some cases, parents have not even been told PP'hood is teaching in their schools. In some cases, the "Family Life Curricula" is kept hidden from parents.

Doug Giles should understand that even though he doesn't want his daughter fooling around........her date is ready and eager----and has probably been supplied with condoms by PP'hood.

Giles' daughter may also have been equipped for sexual activty by PP'hood without her parents' knowledge or consent.

I think he’s probably aiming for an audience of girls’ fathers, and hoping to get their attention with description of the kind of guys their daughters are probably exposed to.

That's a fairly safe assumption. From my perspective though, one of the first thoughts that came to my mind was "oh, he'll make for an annoying in-law". :)

As I’ve said above, I don’t think it’s a bad concept, just that the presentation doesn’t work for me.

I totally agree with you, but for a different reason (I wrote why in post #46 or 47, I think)

I am a Dad with daughters... and I think Ol' Doug is spot on...

When I was a young man, dads that were over the top like this guy just made me want to nail his daughter just for spite. I don't mean the ones who legitimately ask about you, your life, plans for the evening, and such. Any dad that neglected that isn't much of a dad. But 99% of the job of protecting your daughter is done before the doorbell ever rings.

“But 99% of the job of protecting your daughter is done before the doorbell ever rings.”

BTTT

Well said.
Im trying to raise mine to not even give
a thug punk the time of day.
To expect and deserve more from her own perspective.

I will keep a very close eye on potential daters anyway, of course, while at the same time letting them know I have very, very high expectations of them.

You're not a daddy ... like the Three Stooges ... you just can't get it.

Mine's 16, and I happen to like the good ol' boy redneck that they have both eyed each other for ... but there's 10 years' difference.

36 vs. 26 doesn't bother me nor most people as much as 26 vs. 16.

I guess that’s my point - he’s gotten to have his cake and eat it too. He lived crazy and wild, got forgiven (I guess), but now he wants to afford little or no opportunity to others. There are a lot of people who look different, act different, etc. but aren’t drug addicts or who have shot people.

It’s nice when a piece of writing finds its audience. He’s a fairly popular writer, so I knew there had to be many for whom this was exactly right.

As many have noticed, I am a woman, after all, so it’s safe to say that he’s not writing for me.

36 vs. 26 doesn't bother me nor most people as much as 26 vs. 16.

No, me either. My brother was 31 and his first wife 21 when they got married, and he was 41 and his second wife 27 when they got married! Once everyone is an adult, it's up to them what age they like!

I was a bit shocked to find my new sister-in-law is closer to my daughter's age than mine, though :-).

he passed away in 2000 at 84 years old. i still miss his gruff manner and his cowboy hat. (he raised horses and farmed) once his jackass hee-hawed in a distant field and he told me to keep my cousin quiet. (i was never good enough for his daughter because he thought that both of his daughters were the most beautiful in the world; i thought only one of them had that distinct quality.)

he kept his distance and never got too close but that was o.k. i only loved his daughter, not him.

he will be missed.

Sure, they’re excellent points. But he’s dreaming if he thinks he can control his daughter’s boyfriends by doing the tough-guy act. The boyfriends will pretend to be respectful as long as dad is around. After that there is only 1 thing coming between his little man and our girls, and that’s our girls.

The only measure of control we have as dads is how well we have done our jobs of raising them.

“I admire a man who will go to great lengths to protect his daughters. If there were more of that in the world today, there would be a lot fewer problems with STd, teen pregnancy, broken families, etc.”

Amen to that!!! My husband could have written that piece, we have 4 beautiful daughters and one son.

You know, I find it hard to believe that there are so many people on this of all forums, who cannot see that Giles has done an excellent job of satirizing some VERY SENSIBLE points.

Come on folks, where is your sense of humor? Putting that sort of thing in nice, polite, grammatically perfect, tea-party English would make him sound like a silly fool.

You and SteveMcKing are the two on the most right track on this thread. The man does reek of self-absorbed weakness. He's not worrying about his daughters' happiness, he's worrying about his happiness. If he were in a position to lead by example he'd have an easier time but he isn't therefore his word on things shouldn't be taken too seriously. Also this guy sounds terribly disrespectful towards women. It's as if he seems to imagine they are completely unable to make an intelligent adult decision on their own. I've seen a few ladies' comments on this thread backing this guy up, but who knows, may be they have low self-esteem and like being disrespected.

You know, I find it hard to believe that there are so many people on this of all forums, who cannot see that Giles has done an excellent job of satirizing some VERY SENSIBLE points.

Except that it's been satirized ad infinitum before and the SENSIBLE points, as you put it, are simply basic common sense. It's trite at best, dangerously naive at worst.

Come on folks, where is your sense of humor?

It's being used on things that are actually funny.

Putting that sort of thing in nice, polite, grammatically perfect, tea-party English would make him sound like a silly fool.

No, Giles does that all by his lonesome.

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