Doug Giles: The Ten Commandments for My Daughter’s Potential Boyfriends

Townhall ^ | 7/1/07 | Doug Giles

[wagglebee]

God, in His providence, has seen fit to bestow upon my wife and me two beautiful girls that we must steward into greatness. It has been a blast watching my daughters develop into righteous and rowdy, gorgeous girls. The thing that sucks with their metamorphosis into womanhood is the guys who’ve begun to buzz around our happy nest interested in my ladies.

As much as I don’t like the idea of their dating, I have got to suck it up and accept it (bartender, I’ll have a shot of whiskey). All you dads who are worth your salt and give a crap about your kid . . . you know how hard it is to let your girls go (I’ll take another shot, please).

Even though I’m slowly coming to grips with my kids growing up, I’m not throwing out my brain and becoming a hip and groovy dad who curls up in the corner in the fetal position without an opinion regarding their dating life.

Not only do I have an opinion regarding wannabe suitors, I have 10 commandments for potential boyfriends. Yes, seeing that I’m still the Alpha dog of the Giles castle, that I still pay the bills, buy the SUVs, pay for College and secure their condos, then by God, I’m still makin’ the rules. I am Doug Almighty, got that Rico Suave? What I’m about to reveal unto you is an attitude-laden afflatus, so . . . be afraid. Herewith are my 10 commandments for my daughter’s potential boyfriends. Read them and weep.

1. Thou shall understand that your presence doesn’t make me happy. Young squire, don’t expect me to be giggly when I meet you. As a matter of fact, you’re ruining my life right now. Therefore, don’t try to be cute with me. That stuff may work on my daughter or my wife, but it does not work with me.

Actually, you should expect nothing from me in the way of the warm and fuzzies. You’ve got to earn that. I don’t care who you are or who your momma is. Your presence represents a transition that I’m not really ready for, so just stay the heck back and be real cool. And know this: I’ve got a PI doing a background check on you right now.

2. Thou had better have a life. My wife and I have worked our tails off providing a good life for our girls; therefore, you better have one, Spanky. Let me spell it out for you just in case you don’t get it. You must have something positive going on in that thing you call a life.

Additionally, you must be pursuing said noble goal at Mach2 with your hair on fire. If you’re a slacking, blame-shifting, visionless slug with genital warts who’s waiting for someone to carry them into greatness and who lives by the dictates of his ding dong, then you need to find a girl who doesn’t have a father like me.

3. Thou shall not touch my daughter, or I’ll tear your hands off and you’ll have to “whip the bishop” with a stub. Not only am I not cool with your being around me, I’m sure as heck not down with your touching my daughter. Therefore, when you’re in my space (and in my absence) you’d better treat my daughters with the utmost respect.

Do not under any circumstance hang all over my daughter, fondle my daughter or soul kiss my kid until you have a wedding ring on her finger, a joint checking account and MMA at Wachovia—or I will shove your Justin Timberlake backside off my 3rd floor balcony first chance I get, capisce?

4. Thou shall look me in the eye, shake my hand like a man and turn off your cell phone. I don’t care how Snoop Dog acts and what you’ve seen on MTV or in the movies. If you come into my house mumbling, with your shades on and texting the entire time you’re around me, you’re probably going to be spending the next couple of days in ICU.

I want eye contact. I want you to see my soul, son. I want to look you in the eye when I communicate things regarding my girls and their lives. So, take the shades off, Hollywood. In addition, if and when I extend my hand, grab it like you mean it. Where I come from, a limp hand shake = limp life, Twinkle Toes. Also, when you’re at my casa, your phone goes on vibrate. I’m sure you’ll like that.

5. Thou shall understand that you are a boy talking to a man. Here’s some 411 to meditate upon before you address me. I am at least twice your age. I used to be a drug user/dealer until God zapped me. I’ve been in many fights. I’ve shot at felons. I faced down too-many-to-count charging wild boar. I’ve spent years in Tae Kwon Do. I’ve traveled the planet, planted churches and started businesses. You, on the other hand, use Proactiv and drive a Ford Focus; therefore, you will call me “Mr. Giles” and my wife “Mrs. Giles” until we tell you any different.

Also, don’t gush around me nor attempt to read me an entry from your journal. I’m not Oprah or one of your metrosexual buddies that you can share all of your inner fears and deepest needs with. I am a Neanderthal.

6. Thou shall know that our family is old school. Do not even think about approaching me with liberal, hippy, agnostic, atheistic, anti-American or tree humping bull crap. I was raised by country-loving, God-fearing, hard-working, meat-eating, good ole’ Texan parents, and I have zero tolerance for what your long-toothed, rather mannish lesbian sociology teacher at Columbia U programmed you with—you dig?

7. Thou shall know that I like cool and expensive gifts and you shall provide unto me this bounty, if you’re smart. One great way to earn my favor is to buy it. Yes, you’d be shrewd to approach me like the three wise men did baby Jesus, namely with gold, frankincense and myrrh.

For example; I like high quality cigars (nothing below a 90), Johnnie Walker Blue Label, Chimay Grand Reserve, books on hunting Africa and old British double rifles. I also like original art work, R&B and classic rock compilations, collecting skulls, hunting and big game fishing trips, antique Christian and Classic books, custom choppers and early twentieth century African safari memorabilia.

Who knows . . . I might, might, ask you to join me for a nice cigar session with me and the boys if thou comest bearing such offerings.

8. Thou shall understand that if you’re dumb enough to tell me a dirty joke, I’m comfortable enough with kicking your butt. I’m not one of your thug buddies you can go down the gutter with. I want maturity when you are around my family.

9. Thou shall keep your word. If you say you’re going to do something, then I expect you to do it. You see, I’m looking for stability/reliability for my ladies, and keeping your word in the smallest matters tells me that you’re ahead of the pack and at least a consideration, in my mind, for our support.

10. Thou shall do these three things: 1) Look good. Do not come into my house with earrings, a grill, or over sized pants with your butt cleavage hanging out. 2) Read. If I have to talk to you, you had better know as much about as many things as possible. 3) Serve. I’m looking for a sacrificial dude who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty in helping around the house, in our community, in our nation and with our wonderful world. If you, young man, obey all the words written here, then and only then will you have a chance with my babies. Now, go get me a beer.

[Ping-Pong]

To this day I really do not trust or want to be around,a guy who won’t or can’t do those things.

My son-in-law recently told me that they were at a party and the daughter of one of his friends told her dad she was going out with the young man that had been in the room for a time. Her dad sent the boy packing and explained to her that since the young man had arrived not once did he smile or offer to shake hands with any of the men there.

On the other hand, at a get-together my nephew, who we hadn't seen in quite a while, walked up to us "old folks" and with a smile, looked us in the eye and shook our hands (I got a hug). All the men were smiling back. He made an impression. That was the event that brought about my instructing my grandchildren.

I hope they will remember it was me that told them this as you remember it was your Dad.

[cubswinby100]

I like it.

It’s no coincidence that the man who treated my parents with respect and deference the most was the man I married and have 3 kids with.

My Dad would have accepted anyone as my husband as long as he was good to me and was respectful to our family. I could have brought home a [erson of a different race, religion, a democrat, a liberal, but as long as he was good to me that’s what mattered most. Okay maybe if he was a Packers or Cardinals fan there would have been problems.

It of course also helps that my husband is related to the Butkus family.

[cubswinby100]

And I bet you and your wife have a good relationship with her dad.

I looked at how my boyfriends treated my family and considered it when deciding to go further.

[cubswinby100]

There are tattoos and there are tattoos.

[nmh]

“Amen to that. He needs some help editing as he plainly does not see just how crude and vulgar he is.”

I wouldn’t want my daughter paying homage to a hypocrite!

Do as I say, not as I do - no thanks. He’d be turned away !

[napscoordinator]

True. lol. I am just glad I have three sons. After this thread, I am seriously thank full.

[GOP_Raider]

Giles makes good commentary, but am I alone here in thinking that his writing style is very condescending? I finish reading a Giles piece and find myself saying “God, what a jackass”.

[Incorrigible]

Well, I just cut and paste that post (It’s all over the internet) and it is intended to be humor...

None-the-less, as the father of a 10 year old girl I will answer your question this way: When my daughter is studying at Annapolis, I expect her to bring home an engineer!

[Wings-n-Wind]

I find the coarseness rather off-putting, but sometimes he’s funny.

I tihnk he's simply putting things into the language and nuances this fictitious young man and all of his friends would understand...

Their lingo... not ours...

Justa thought...

I am a Dad with daughters... and I think Ol' Doug is spot on...

JMHO

[California Patriot]

Judging by his own comments about his background, Giles (or his fictional persona) seems to have been one of the young men he’s griping about. People with that kind of background never completely outgrow it. In any case, Giles is clearly bad news. If he were single, and I had a middle-aged single or divorced daughter, I wouldn’t want her going out with him!

Another thing that’s wrong with the column is that he demands enormous amounts of respect from kids whom he’s speaking to as if they’re worms. It’s inconsistent — demanding respect without giving it. Also, Giles is talking about very important things and less important things as if they’re all equally important. You don’t get any results that way.

[California Patriot]

It’s not just condescending, though that’s certainly part of it. It suggests a violent streak.

[Wings-n-Wind]

Thanks for re-posting these.... has lost the source..

[Wings-n-Wind]

Giles demands “maturity” of young men, but he sounds a lot like the punks he’s so worried about.

Like the blue-zoo rally-cry??
Young once... Immature always

[fontman]

TEN RULES FOR DATING A MARINE’S DAUGHTER

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open- minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Chu Lai. When my Agent Orange or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Semper Fidelis, fontman

[Squantos]

FYI Funny.......

[EDINVA]

now that’s funny!

We found that by allowing our daughter to start making small decisions at an early age and increasing her responsibility in decision-making as she went through school, by the time she left home for college she was making decisions at least as good as we’d have made for her. Usually better.

[Tax-chick]

I wouldn’t want young men who talk that way to be around my girls.

I don’t hear this kind of language from my sons and their friends, so I think there’s a subculture that we’re missing out on.

[GOP_Raider]

there’s a subculture that we’re missing out on.

I also think Giles misses out on this somehow. Guys he's referring to--at least the type that I knew growing up--sure as hell weren't "dating" in the sense that you and I "dated". The convenient thing about "hooking up" is that one can actually by-pass meeting a girl's parents, at least initially.

[Wings-n-Wind]

I don’t hear this kind of language from my sons and their friends, so I think there’s a subculture that we’re missing out on.

Yup... and that subculture (addressed in the article) is numerically dominant in American culture...

Keeping that subculture AWAY from the daughters is the purpose of the article... methinks...

Sounds like your son/friends are blessed to be apart from those patterns of speech & behavior...
(Mine are likewise blessed)

[napscoordinator]

I hope that happens. Naval Academy for the most part ensures that both men and women grow up and know how to treat others with respect.