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Become Carbon Neutral Today
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler ^ | 2/20/07 | Emperor Misha I

Posted on 02/27/2007 6:01:57 AM PST by truthandlogic

February 20, 2007 Become Carbon Neutral Today! Filed under: Idiotarians, Ecofreaks

(14 votes, average: 9.36 out of 10) Loading ...

Print This Post While perusing an article about Hannity nailing the GoreBot for his rampant hypocrisy when he’s traveling all over the world spewing CO2 like it’s going out of style while demanding that the rest of us quit breathing in order to save the polar bears, I once again came across something that makes me laugh like a deranged hyena every time I run into it.

You see, the GoreBot’s propaganda ministry promptly “rebutted” by claiming that the Inconvenient Moron “maintains carbon neutrality” for his jet-setting by buying “carbon offsets.”

So what are these “carbon offsets”, and why do they cause such enormous mirth in His Majesty’s daily life every time they’re mentioned?

Well, to answer the first question (and the last, really), they’re a scam that would have made Ponzi himself feel like a rank amateur. Not that the Enviroloons came up with the idea, they actually stole it from the Catholics of yore. Back then, they were called “indulgences” and, for a “modest” fee, you could buy instant forgiveness for any and all of your sins. Just confess (it’s good for the soul), let the kindly father ring up your tab, pay the fee and you were as pure as the driven snow again.

Let’s explain how the modern Indulgence Scam works: Let’s say that you own a business. Somewhere, somebody will be happy, for a “modest” fee of course, to calculate your business’s “carbon footprint”, which is a number describing how much you’re despoiling the virgin body of Mother Gaia with your wicked, capitalist ways. Now let’s say that you’re exceeding your “quota” by, say, 20 Kt of CO2/year. That’s bad. You evil, WICKED Zoot!

Not to worry, though. Somewhere else in the world someone else is 20 Kt below his quota, so all you have to do is to pay that guy another “modest” fee to “purchase” his “carbon credits” and hey, you’re once again a True Friend of Mother Gaia! And somewhere in the Turd World some guy is very happy because some rich jerk just paid him a fortune to sit on his arse and NOT produce anything at all. No, this doesn’t make the CO2 you’ve been spewing disappear, so other than making some poor sod very happy about the windfall that just landed in his lap, everything is exactly the way it was before, but don’t you feel better already? You will, once you get over the sudden feeling of being a World Class Shmuck and, what’s more, you get to impress throngs of addle-brained liberals with your sudden “carbon neutrality.”

Sweet deal and, as with any other scam, His Majesty wants his part of it.

So here’s the deal: I herewith form a business that will produce gizmos, doodads and thingummajigs. Producing each of those will create approximately 8 tonnes of CO2, and I plan to sell them for $50 a piece. Here’s where you come in, oh Conscientious Worshippers of Gaia™. For every $60 you drop in my PayPal account, I promise to NOT produce one gizmo, doodad or thingummajig, which will allow you to spit out the 8 tonnes of CO2 that I would otherwise have “polluted” the atmosphere with, all without increasing your “carbon footprint” one iota!

And don’t worry about the legitimacy of this scheme. I’ll produce, at my own expense, a certificate with the signatures of two witnesses stating under oath that I did NOT produce the gizmo, doodad or thingummajig that you just paid me not to produce, thus handing over the 8 tonnes of CO2 credits to you.

Hey, it’s an offer so good that you cannot possibly refuse it, right?

Hurry up, supplies of products that I won’t be producing are strictly limited and will be sold on a first-doofus-to-fall-for-it, first served basis.

***UPDATE:*** While I’m busy sitting around producing nothing and expecting to get paid for it (and thanks for all the ideas and kind offers to help getting this brilliant scam Sustainable Gaia-Friendly Business Venture™ started, I’ll be getting back to you), I just discovered yet another way to earn carbon credits that you can sell to gullible patchoulistas out there: Plant trees! It’s like this: By planting a tree, you’re “sequestering carbon” which, obviously, creates even MORE juicy “carbon credits” that you can sell off at premium prices.

Yes, yes, I know, it sounds too much like actual work to be worth doing, right? That’s what I thought too, until I read on and found out that, once I’m done planting about a 1,000 trees or so (let’s start small so as not to be greedy here, not to mention that I don’t much care for getting my soft hands dirty), I’ll form ANOTHER company, Imperial Bonfires Inc., which will be chopping down trees and burning them off so the neighborhood kids can come grill sausages and make s’mores (for a fee, of course). Now, the beauty of it is, obviously, that chopping down trees and setting them on fire creates a LOT of CO2 so, in order to prove my Gaia-Saving Creds and earn even more “carbon creds” that I can sell off, I’ll offer to NOT chop down a tree if the Birkenstock-wearing Buttinskis of Berkeley pay me a whole lot of money which, again, will provide them with “carbon credits” to “offset their carbon footprints”, whatever the Hell that means. Beautiful, isn’t it? The silly buggers will be paying me TWICE, and I’ll get a whole lot of trees for the grandchildren to build tree houses in.

Hmmm… Speaking of “sequestering carbon”, that gives me another idea. I’ll exhale into Ziploc Bags™ and promise to keep the CO2 in there sequestered. For a price.

The possibilities with this Indulgence Scam are endless, I tell you!

Posted by Emperor Misha I @ 11:09 pm | | 433 Views


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1 posted on 02/27/2007 6:01:59 AM PST by truthandlogic
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To: truthandlogic

If I died today, I'd be putting about 200 pounds of carbon (among other things) into the environment. How do I neutralize that?


2 posted on 02/27/2007 6:05:14 AM PST by wolfpat (If you don't like the Patriot Act, you're really gonna hate Sharia Law.)
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To: truthandlogic

Hey Algore...I got your carbon neutral right here

3 posted on 02/27/2007 6:07:31 AM PST by Vaquero ("An armed society is a polite society" Robert A. Heinlein)
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To: truthandlogic

do you franchize?


4 posted on 02/27/2007 6:10:23 AM PST by bullfeather (illegitimate non carborundum)
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To: truthandlogic

I'd listen a bit more to Al Gore if he practiced what he preached and he could start by dumping the big energy-guzzling houses and getting some small, efficient ones. He could get a discount on commercial airfare if he promised not to sit next to anyone; that is much more carbon neutral that taking a large, private craft. And Hurricane Katrina, not a global warming event. If fact, it was nothing special as far as hurricanes go...it just hit in a 'special' place. And of course if he did not give China and India a pass that would help.


5 posted on 02/27/2007 6:11:28 AM PST by P-40 (Al Qaeda was working in Iraq. They were just undocumented.)
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To: truthandlogic

Funny!!!


6 posted on 02/27/2007 6:13:56 AM PST by syriacus (6 months into Truman's Korean War -- CENSORSHIP imposed; 11,000 US DEATHS; thousands more DRAFTED.)
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To: truthandlogic

purchasing indulgences- brilliant comparison!


7 posted on 02/27/2007 6:14:37 AM PST by silverleaf (Fasten your seat belts- it's going to be a BUMPY ride.)
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To: truthandlogic

"Carbon nuetral is for the litle people." - Algore


8 posted on 02/27/2007 6:16:19 AM PST by BenLurkin
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To: truthandlogic

The version I read about said that evil American capitalists can buy polluting coal plants in China.

The deal is that an American company buys the polluting Chinese coal plant from the Chinese and is credited with X number of carbon credits to continue operating its CO2 producing business.

The Chicoms, after getting paid off to stop producing CO2, dismantle the coal plant. Then the Chicoms rebuild the coal plant down the road to wait for the next buyer.

In turn, the evil American capitalists raise their rates on consumers to pay for buying the scam Chicom coal plant. So in the end, Americans see huge tax and goods increases that drain them of capital.

Economists at Wharton calculate this will cost each American family another $2,000 annually and throw millions of people out of work.


You might invest in throw-away Chinese coal factories to offset your family's increased cost of living expenses, but I'd guess the IRS will consider it a tax evasion scheme. The Marxists really, really want their pound of flesh from you on this scam.

Welcome to the brave new soviet world of global warming.


9 posted on 02/27/2007 6:16:21 AM PST by sergeantdave (Consider that nearly half the people you pass on the street meet Lenin's definition of useful idiot)
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To: truthandlogic

Am I doing my part if Chinese tallow trees are coming up all around my house?


10 posted on 02/27/2007 6:21:48 AM PST by jch10
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To: truthandlogic

Does this work with dieting too? If I give some poverty stricken third-worlder a big fat check, can I eat his share of the pizza?


11 posted on 02/27/2007 6:25:02 AM PST by synbad600
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To: truthandlogic
An enviro version of the Nigerian 419 scam. Only instead of promising non-existent riches, what is offered is non-existent CO2 reductions. The beauty of it is the scammer still gets paid. And Leftists are so guillible they fall for it - every time!

"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." - Manuel II Palelologus

12 posted on 02/27/2007 6:33:25 AM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: wolfpat

Vegetarians are eating up all of the oxygen, time to do something about that.


13 posted on 02/27/2007 6:34:51 AM PST by unixfox (The 13th Amendment Abolished Slavery, The 16th Amendment Reinstated It !)
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To: truthandlogic

Remain carbon neutral, send money to the nuts. It has all the trappings of a protection racket.


14 posted on 02/27/2007 6:37:06 AM PST by Tarpon
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To: truthandlogic
Mr. Gore, Just who are you buying 'Carbon Credits' from?

Can we please see your receipts?

And isn't the Carbon output the same as it was before?

Liberalism is indeed a Mental Disorder!

15 posted on 02/27/2007 6:37:41 AM PST by TexasCajun
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To: sergeantdave
Then the Chicoms rebuild the coal plant down the road to wait for the next buyer.

Those Chinese are some great capitalists, aren't they? It reminds me of the old joke about not worrying about the communist Chinese but do worry about them turning capitalist and wanting to start driving. :)
16 posted on 02/27/2007 6:44:50 AM PST by P-40 (Al Qaeda was working in Iraq. They were just undocumented.)
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To: synbad600
Does this work with dieting too? If I give some poverty stricken third-worlder a big fat check, can I eat his share of the pizza?

In that case, just eating the pizza keeps the poverty stricken third-worlder from eating it, thereby creating the neutralizing effect.

You're good to go. But you have to eat the whole pizza, because there are starving children in other parts of the world.

Hey, maybe that's where the enviroloons got the idea.

17 posted on 02/27/2007 6:46:51 AM PST by savedbygrace (SECURE THE BORDERS FIRST (I'M YELLING ON PURPOSE))
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To: truthandlogic

Good article. Thanks for setting us straight about Uncle Al (The Moron)Gore's buy-back-your-guilt scheme.


18 posted on 02/27/2007 6:47:25 AM PST by Minutemen ("It's a Religion of Peace")
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To: truthandlogic
Is there anything better designed to make the rich richer and the poor poorer? In return for throwing a few pittances to the masses, they'll ensure that the Eco-Revolutionary Elite get to exclusively enjoy the right to live in a big house, fly wherever they want, and drive a big car while the rest of us are riding bikes and living in hovels. After all, Al's doing important work managing the environmental movement. He can't be distracted by little things like actually living like an environmentalist.

I seem to recall another group of people with a utopian vision where everyone lived in harmony with one another, while the "Revolutionary Elite" got to enjoy all the privileges. Now, if only I could remember where that was....
19 posted on 02/27/2007 6:55:18 AM PST by The Pack Knight (Duty, Honor, Country... What more needs to be said? Gingrich/Bolton '08!)
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To: truthandlogic
The Save-The-Planet folks explain Carbon Credits here.

Sheesh ... what a crock.

20 posted on 02/27/2007 6:56:45 AM PST by RightField
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