Posted on 09/20/2006 1:17:16 PM PDT by groanup
HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.
At GEORGIA : it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions.
At FLORIDA : it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.
At ALABAMA : it takes five, one to change it, two to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator and one to throw the other old bulb at Fulmer.
At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five semester hours.
At KENTUCKY : it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.
At TENNESSEE : it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama .
At MISSISSIPPI STATE : it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".
At AUBURN : it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.
At SOUTH CAROLINA : it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.
At ARKANSAS : None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.
PLANNING FOR THE FALL FOOTBALL SEASON
Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip to the South, here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie, Eli and Peyton Manning, Bo Jackson
Getting Tickets
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campusand purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
Monday Classes After a Saturday Game
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have to prepare for classes on Monday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Monday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played
NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male)
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.."
Commentary (Female)
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football!
Y'know, I grew up here in Virginia, where college football is not a really huge deal (especially when I was growing up in the '70s, when UVa and VT both were mostly mediocre). I went to a I-AA school (JMU, the 2004 I-AA national champions) which itself was very mediocre in the mid-80s when I was there.
So I wasn't prepared to move to Columbia, South Carolina in 1997 and be introduced to the religion that was Gamecock football. Especially considering that the Cocks--not to put too fine a point on it--usually aren't real good. I mean, when your program's high point is back-to-back trips to the Outback Bowl?
And yet, there ARE no sports in Columbia other than Gamecock football. The years that the basketball team were tearing up the SEC and going to the NCAAs, the years that Ray Tanner had the baseball team going to the regionals and super-regionals again and again, all you heard on the radio call-in shows were Cock fans wondering who the third-string tight end was going to be on the depth chart for the spring scrimmage, and Clemson fans still talking smack about beating USC six months earlier.
USC fans are, if nothing else, loyal. Real loyal. As in, 65,000 tails in the seats during Lou Holtz's 0-11 first season loyal. (And that wasn't for the Clemson game, which is, of course, always a 81,000+ sellout.) They're like Cubs fans with better accents. Every year is going to be The Year The Cocks Dominate. And by the end of the season, it's always "wait till next year." And come next year, they're back in the parking lot at Williams-Brice, drinking themselves blind in the Cockabooses before the game, convinced that this time, it really will be The Year.
At least The Ol' Ball Coach has the Gamecock team crime rate up to the standards of most of the rest of the SEC...
}:-)4
If I have to listen to rocky top one more time I will have to scream.
Hilarious!! And so true...
University of Alabama home games are amazing, especially the games with other SEC teams. Truly an experience. The whole football culture is so different down here, and I love it!!
LOL!! Well said.
Great post. USC will rise again. LOL!!
Hey, glad to see a Nebraska fan show up on this thread. I've lived in Tennessee for 4 years now and as nuts as people here think they are about UT football, I just don't think it compares to football season in Nebraska.
Auburn was the top public University in Division one on the most recent APR and #4 overall. Additionlly, Auburn has the most players who have already graduated than any other team in Division 1 NCAA.
I surprised the cops didn't ask for a sip...;-)
Have to disagree here. The Auburn-Alabama game is the most intense rival game Auburn has. It's not even close. Now, it shouldn't be of late because bammer has, well, been awful. But it will never be surpassed. It is to the point that it is unhealthy for the state.
Mow there is something I can get on board with. My absolute favorite beer.
Ping-a-ling!
It's not a "passion" -- it's religion in the SEC.
The expression in that pic was due as much to the uniforms as to the poor performance.
"I ain't gettin' paid enuff to look like a dang SEMINOLE!!!"
At my church, mass attendance goes up in the Saturday and early services during football season. Got to get home for the pregame show.
How cool is that picture?
Did I ever catch some crap when I would show up at Tiger Stadium for AU/LSU games in my orange shirt and Auburn baseball cap.
I am a Vol fan, and I agree wholeheartedly with your statement. I experienced Nebraska fans first hand at the 1997 Orange Bowl vs. Tennessee. Is there anything else to do in Nebraska anyway?
Great win over Wofford last week.
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