Kill `em with kindness

Maimi Herald ^ | DAVE BARRY

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Kill `em with kindness

BY DAVE BARRY

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on June 9, 1996.)

I got to thinking about courtesy the other day when a woman hit me with her car. I want to stress that this was totally my fault. I was crossing a street in Miami, in a pedestrian crosswalk, and I saw the woman's car approaching, and like a total idiot I assumed she would stop. The reason I assumed this -- you are going to laugh and laugh -- is that there was a stop sign facing her, saying (this is a verbatim quote) ``STOP.''

I don't know what I was thinking. In Miami, it is not customary to stop for stop signs. The thinking in Miami is, if you stop for a stop sign, the other motorists will assume that you're a tourist and therefore unarmed, and they will help themselves to your money and medically valuable organs. For the same reason, Miami drivers do not interpret traffic lights the same way as normal humans do. This is what a traffic light means to a Miami driver:

GREEN: Proceed.

YELLOW: Proceed Much Faster.

RED: Proceed While Gesturing.

So anyway, there I was, Mr. Stupid Head, expecting a Miami motorist to stop for a stop sign, and the result was that she had to slam on her brakes, and I had to leap backward like a character in a rental movie on rewind, and her car banged into my left knee. I was shaken, but fortunately I remained calm enough to remember what leading medical authorities advise you to do if you're involved in an accident. ''Punch the car,'' they advise. So I did. I punched the car, and I pointed to the stop sign, and, by way of amplification, I yelled, ''THERE'S A STOP SIGN!'' The woman then rolled down her window and expressed her deep remorse as follows: ``DON'T HIT MY (UNLADYLIKE WORD) CAR, YOU (VERY UNLADYLIKE WORD)!''

I should have yelled a snappy comeback, such as: ''OH YEAH? WELL, NOW, IN ADDITION TO MY KNEE, MY HAND HURTS!'' But before I could think of anything, she was roaring away, no doubt hoping to get through the next intersection while the light was still red. The thing is, at the time I didn't think this incident was in any way remarkable. I had no doubt that people all over America were shouting bad words and coming to blows with each other's cars.

It wasn't until two days later that I began thinking that maybe we could all be a little more courteous. What got me thinking this was England. I went there to attend a wedding in a scenic area called Gloucestershire (pronounced ''WOOS-ter'') near a lovely little town called Chipping Campden (tourism motto: ``We've Got Your Sheep'').

I'm not saying that the English are perfect. Their electrical fixtures look and function like science-fair projects; their plumbing apparently was designed thousands of years before the discovery of water. Also their television programming is not so great. The TV in my room got four channels, and one afternoon the program lineup, I swear, was:

--Channel 1: A man talking about problems in the British gelatin industry;

--Channel 2: The national championships of an extremely slow-moving game called ''snooker'' (pronounced ``WOOS-ter'');

--Channel 3: Another man (or possibly the same man) talking about problems in the British gelatin industry;

--Channel 4: A show (this is the one I ended up watching) in which five people were taste-testing various brands of canned beef gravy and ranking them on a scale of 0 through 10.

(Of course, we have bad TV shows, too. But thanks to cable, we have infinitely more of them.) My point is that the English aren't better than us in every way. But they are definitely more courteous. It seems as though every time an English person comes even remotely close to being an inconvenience to anybody, he or she says, ''Sorry!'' Often this causes the other person to say, ''Sorry!'' for having been in a position to cause the first person to say, ''Sorry!'' This may trigger reflex cries of ''Sorry!'' from random passersby, thereby setting off the legendary Chain Reaction of Sorrys, which sometimes does not stop until it reaches Wales. I'm pretty sure that the queen, when she's knighting somebody, taps him with her sword and says, ``Sorry!''

Wouldn't it be nice if we had more of that spirit here? Wouldn't it be pleasant if we tried a little courtesy, instead of shooting each other over trivial provocations? Wouldn't it be wonderful if, when we irritated each other, we said, ''Sorry!'' and then shot each other? At least it would be a start!

In fact, I'm going to start right here and now. I'm going to address the end of my column to the woman who hit me with her car, in case she's reading this: Whoever you are, I am sincerely sorry that I impeded your progress through the stop sign. And I am even more sorry that I hit your car with my fist. It should have been a hammer.

[originalbuckeye]

We have a basic loss of civility in this country. How do we fix this? It doesn't seem likely that we can get parents to teach their children to be more considerate of others when the parents aren't considerate to begin with. Truly selfish and self-centered.

[dhs12345]

Started to go down hill in the "peace and love" 60s. Who knows maybe it was always that way in the urban areas. I grew up in Denver. Not exactly rural. But we were polite to each other.

[brushcop]

Well, we begin by whuppin' their a$$e$, then after the dust settles, we can say, "You see, there are consequences for certain behaviors, now let's review basic courtesies...".

First, we must get their attention. The types that would hit a pedestrian and then curse him (and flee) only respond to quick reactions in order to get their attention, much like a child on occasion who needs a quick reactive pop on the rump to get his/her attention when misbehaving. Afterwards, thier minds are more receptive to instruction.

By accepting such behavior, we encourage more of the same rotten attitudes, much like appeasement. If Mr. Barry had been able to get an LP and later identify the violator, she could be held accountable for hit and run, assault with a motor vehicle, running a stop sign, all sorts of behavior modification remedies.

[Dreagon]

Civility was born out of respect. Respect was born out of the fact that that guy you were considering mouthing off to just might draw his club and rearrange your teeth.

[Mr. Jeeves]

Respect was born out of the fact that that guy you were considering mouthing off to just might draw his club and rearrange your teeth.

And that's the whole problem. Until the criminal/miscreant/boor is once again more frightened of the reaction of the general public to his behavior than he is of what the police will do when and if they ever show up, the current upswing in incivility will continue.

[Mr Ramsbotham]

Respect was born out of the fact that that guy you were considering mouthing off to just might draw his club and rearrange your teeth.

Very true; and that's one reason why men tend to speak with greater civility to one another than women do to one another. There's not a guy going who hasn't at one time or another, typically in his youth, gotten a mouthful of knuckles for having said something unpleasant at an inopportune time.

[Ma3lst0rm]

It amazes me sometimes the lack of civility and the outright rudeness.

A buddy of mine related a story where he was about to pull into a parking spot and a lady with a shopping cart. Looked at him and then pushed her empty cart into the parking spot and then proceeded to get into her car as if nothing happenned. He said it was all he could do not to get out of the car and verbally tongue lash her.

I had an interesting encounter at a Wal-Mart while in line for an oil change. There was an older gentleman with a wireless handheld putting the cars in the system to be serviced. He had a problem with the handheld and he had to go inside to get a new one. While waiting a vehicle full of "immigrants" pulled up behind me along with several other cars. Rather than wait they went inside and followed the man outside insisting they be put into the system first literally surrounding the poor old guy. I just sat there and watched while my two boys got more restless in the vehicle.
I'm a very patient man and was willing to let this go without incident then I noticed another driver in line behind the mexicans ready to jump in behind them.

I got out of the car at this point and stood there holding my youngest, 1 year old Ryan, in my arms hoping the point would be gotten without me having to emphasize it but as the "immigrants" finished up it appeared that the older gentleman had forgotten all about us so I politely raised my voice and said "Sir I think we are next in line and then asked the if it were an illegal immigrant go first day.". He made it clear that we were going to be serviced first and later I apologized for the remark and thanked him.

I think what irritated me the most is that even had I went inside to find a person to put me in the system I'd make sure those ahead of me were serviced first. That is just how I was raised. Skipping line and being rude out the gate was just wrong. It is like a laptop give away in Richmond that occurred last year where several old people and strolers were trampled as a mob pushed through the gates to get old MAC Laptops. It makes you wonder whether people are being raised with no manners at all.

[Young Werther]

I blame the advent of the answering machine, pager, and voice mail features on cell phones. Usta be that when your phone rang you answered it. You didn't let it roll over to an answering device.

At my last employ my boss would ignore his phone when ringing and let it roll over. His behavior came home to roost when our server/phone tech sent out an e-mail advising that our v-mail memory was full and that leading the pack was my boss with over 950 v-mails in memory dating back over 6 months. We were directed to clean out our files by Monday morning or the tech would delete 'em. I believe that my boss spent half the weekend listening to messages he had never listened to!!!

[ClearCase_guy]

I politely raised my voice and said "Sir I think we are next in line and then asked the if it were an illegal immigrant go first day."

Good for you. Sounds like you handled a tough situation about as well as could be expected.

Of course, one of my peeves is if someone speaks up and expects to be treated fairly, it is not uncommon for a crowd to immediately gather, point fingers and say, "Where do YOU get off expecting to get service first?? Those illegal immigrants were CLEARLY talking to the man before you were!"

Sigh. The world is upside down.

[wolfcreek]

It's the "Rats in a cage" syndrome. The more rats, the more angry and violent the rest become.

[vigilante2]

She was probably a liberal from Massachusetts

[after dark]

I think if people were honest they would realize everyone has been rude at some time in their lives.People change when they are embarrassed. I am confident the people you have described are on a collision course with embarrassment. I was once standing in line in a cramped public restroom. One of the locks on one of the stalls did not work. A young Hispanic woman arrogantly marched into the restroom and marched right past me (in the front of the line). She actually sniffed at me as she walked past me.She made a bee line for the stall with the broken lock. I raised my voice "don't!". She actually turned around and glared at me. She gave a laugh that a cartoon villain that would have made a cartoon villain proud. She shoved the door open. The woman was a little slow on the uptake. It took her five seconds to realize that the stall was already occupied. Of course ,she did not apologize ,but she left the restroom with out using it. I have never seen a dark skinned overly made up Hispanic woman turn so red. Shortly there after, the biggest German woman I have ever seen exited the stall with the broken lock laughing.