Posted on 03/01/2006 7:09:06 AM PST by ZGuy
In the United States, living together instead of marrying has become the norm for couples -- half of young adults aged 20-40 are cohabiting instead of getting married. Cohabitation has increased nearly 1,000% since 1980, and the marriage rate has dropped more than 40% since 1960.
Some see substituting living together for marriage as an insignificant shift in family “structure.” Those who are better informed realize that the shift has disastrous ramifications for the individuals involved, as well as for society and public policy.
The faulty reasoning leading young adults to make such a poor choice must be exposed. Here are four myths surrounding the shift.
Myth No. 1: Living Together Is a Good Way to “Test the Water”
Many couples say that they want to live together to see if they are compatible, not realizing that cohabitation is more a preparation for divorce than a way to strengthen the likelihood of a successful marriage -- the divorce rates of women who cohabit are nearly 80% higher than those who do not. In fact, studies indicate that cohabiting couples have lower marital quality and increased risk of divorce. Further, cohabiting relationships tend to be fragile and relatively short in duration; less than half of cohabiting relationships last five or more years. Typically, they last about 18 months.
Myth No. 2: Couples Don’t Really Need That “Piece of Paper”
A major problem with cohabitation is that it is a tentative arrangement that lacks stability; no one can depend upon the relationship -- not the partners, not the children, not the community, nor the society. Such relationships contribute little to those inside and certainly little to those outside the arrangement. Sometimes couples choose to live together as a substitute for marriage, indicating that, in case the relationship goes sour, they can avoid the trouble, expense and emotional trauma of a divorce. With such a weak bond between the two parties, there is little likelihood that they will work through their problems or that they will maintain the relationship under pressure.
Myth No. 3: Cohabiting Relationships Usually Lead to Marriage
During the 1970s, about 60% of cohabiting couples married each other within three years, but this proportion has since declined to less than 40%. While women today still tend to expect that “cohabitation will lead to marriage,” numerous studies of college students have found that men typically cohabit simply because it is “convenient.” In fact, there is general agreement among scholars that living together before marriage puts women at a distinct disadvantage in terms of “power.” A college professor described a survey that he conducted over a period of years in his marriage classes. He asked guys who were living with a girl, point blank, “Are you going to marry the girl that you’re living with?” The overwhelming response, he reports, was “NO!” When he asked the girls if they were going to marry the guy they were living with, their response was, “Oh, yes; we love each other and we are learning how to be together.”
Myth No. 4: Cohabiting Relationships Are More Egalitarian Than Marriage
It is common knowledge that women and children suffer more poverty after a cohabiting relationship breaks up, but it’s not so well understood that there is typically an economic imbalance in favor of the man within such relationships, too. While couples who live together say that they plan to share expenses equally, more often than not the women support the men. Studies show that women typically contribute more than 70% of the income in a cohabiting relationship. Likewise, the women tend to do more of the cleaning, cooking and laundry. If they are students, as is often the case, and facing economic or time constraints that require a reduction in class load, it is almost invariably the woman, not the man, who drops a class.
So What’s the Conclusion?
A mass of sociological evidence shows that cohabitation is an inferior alternative to the married, intact, two-parent, husband-and-wife family. Increasingly, the myths of living together without marriage are like a mirror shattered by the force of the facts that expose the reality of cohabitation.
Dr. Crouse is senior fellow of Concerned Women for America’s Beverly LaHaye Institute.
Nothing to it after the first 45 years and now that she is getting her own SS check it should get ever better... :o)
I'm sorry. I can't for the life of me understand why a 35 year old man would marry a 67 year old woman. I find it nothing less than completely revolting. Sorry.
I understand completely. My wife and I are also 4 years apart, and you and I must be damned near the same age, because our experiences are identical. She was also into disco, while I was new wave and everything else reads true. I'd bet anything you were born in '63 or '64 based on this alone.
That was a sticky point for me also. But just in the phrasing. Biblically the man has authority over the woman and children. However that does not me he's the "Lord of the castle and you are my property". It means that he has to answer to God for everything that occurs in the house. The bible lays out some pretty good guidlines on how a marriage should be run. Face it folks, if mamma aint happy, nobody's happy, and if a husband follows the biblical guidelines, momma will be happy.
(2)NO physical contact even kissing.
This is important. While men are more visually oriented, women tend to be more tactilly oriented. The purpose of courtship is to find out if two people are compatible WITHOUT falling in romantic love with each other (that part comes afterthe committment is made). Why give your heart to someone you can't spend your whole life with. Kissing, or other physical activity clouds our minds with a romantic fog
(3)Almost no time alone.P> BUT... having started my own 'courtship' in the same way Jen did... online, I'll say it's a lot more intimate for the kinds of conversations that are important, than people give credit for. I might propose that those who court online in writing probably converse more and converse deeper than many couples who meet in person. So the act of courting online does make up and become part of that necessary "alone time".
I think they mean no physical time alone. phone calls and emails are allowed as is online time (at least in how I look at it.) after all the whole purpose of the drill is to get to know the person. In fact I plan to do a lot of my courtship in an electronic format. Easier to save the letters that way too.
If both are mature adults and both are agreeable why should it be a problem? I've met some girls of 21 who were extremely mature and some men of 60 who were still teenagers. If, for example, a women of thirty meets and falls in love with (or more exactly determines that she is compatible in every way and then falls in love with) a man of 45 why would that be creepy. They are both adults.
How is that any different than two 30 year olds or two 45 year olds?
Barring accidents or diseases brought on by stupid behavior (excessive drinking etc) my family on both sides is extrememly long lived. My dad is 78 or so and still in perfect health. Walks 5 miles a day and then walks the golf course or goes bowling. Strong as a horse. My mom's maternal Grandma and my dad's maternal grandma both lived into their hundreds, both in good health all the way. (In fact cataracts killed my dad's grandma. She was as solid as a brick house and loved to do needlework. When she lost her eyes she lost her will to live and died within a year.) Rest of family, mom, aunts uncles etc, all doing well also.
I am in pretty good shape and getting in better shape every day (walk a lot, drink a lot of water, losing weight (I'm down 17, only 23 more to go) work out daily). With proper diet and exercise, and proper attention to one's health and lifestyle there's no reason someone shouldn't be able to live well into their 90's.
But beside all that, If the lady wants to marry someone older who she loves why stand in her way? Age discrimination. "Sorry ma'am but you can't marry someone more than ten years older than you"
Also there are no promises. I married a wonderful woman who was 5 years younger than me. Now she's in heaven and I'm a widower. Age doesn't make a difference in God's plan.
My wife is 12 years younger than me. There is absolutely nothing creepy about our relationship.
I can think of many men (for example) who married women even 15 years younger than them, and at least in those instances there was nothing creepy about it. Luther, for example. Or Isaac (and perhaps even Joseph) in Scripture.
Seeking out someone specifically much younger than yourself has downsides for the younger, and we described those above (and we've talked about them before)
Some seek out the age differential for very selfish reasons. In those cases, it's creepy.
I understand your motives (now) John, and wish you well. I really do. :~D
You can kid yourself that it's okay because your are proceeding to find her using a method devised by religious people, church women are helping you look and because your intentions are to have children.
You are 45. To plan on a large family at this age is unreasonable and unrealistic. If you were looking for someone of 35 and were planning a few more children that would be far more realistic, and far fairer to the woman. But you aren't considering the woman's needs only your own. Therefore, while I would love to be able to wish you well in your pursuit, I cannot.
If she sees in me what she wants in a husband and I see in her what I want in a wife and we decide to marry, how is that wrong and selfish? Is she too young to make that decision at the age of 30? Should we increase the voting age to 31 because 30 year olds are not mature enough to decide what they want out of life?
Or perhaps you are arguing against God here. I am trusting God to bring me the exact right woman for me. If I meet a woman of that age and she decides to marry me it will definitely be an act of God. So, is God wrong for putting us together?
Just because something doesn't meet your prejudices doesn't mean it is wrong. The bible has no age guidelines at all for marriage.
You are 45. To plan on a large family at this age is unreasonable and unrealistic.
Three more kids is not a large family. I'd have more if I had the time and money but alas I don't so I'll have to settle for three more.
But you aren't considering the woman's needs only your own
Why would someone marry me if I wasn't considering her needs? It's not like I'm planning on abducting someone and forcing them to marry me. Slavery went out of style quite a while ago you know. If she marries me it will because she WANTS to. It may be hard to believe but some people do not have your hang ups on age.
I've heard of enough very successful marriages between people of all ages to know that when a husband and wife decide to make their marriage heaven on earth their ages don't matter.
I know that we will never agree on this. So it may not be profitable to continue the discussion. However if you choose to I will also. God bless.
"Three more kids is not a large family. I'd have more if I had the time and money but alas I don't so I'll have to settle for three more."
Wow; you know how many kids you're going to have, but you don't know with whom? That's interesting.
I know how many I want. I can safely assume that the woman I marry will want the same (maybe four). How can I assume this? Because if she doesn't want the same things in life that I do how could we be compatible enough to marry.
Would you think it strange if I said that the woman I marry will be a Christian? No you probably wouldn't because a Christian is forbidden from marrying a non-Christian and I'm a Christian. Would you think it strange if I said I wanted to marry someone who wanted to live where I live (same state and county area)? Probably not (How could someone who wanted to live in the midwest ever be happy with someone who wanted to live in California. One would always be unhappy). So why is it strange to say I'll have three more kids when I know the woman will want three more kids.
The posts of most women seem to imply that marriage is a crap shoot and you're kind of stuck with who you get. I don't agree with that at all. You find out what you want and then you find someone who wants the same. That's what courtship is about. Making sure you want the same things and that you are compatible.
I wouldn't consider marrying someone that much younger than myself for the same reason. Nor at 25 or anytime would I consider marrying someone older than myself also for that reason. 15 years from now someone that much younger, may no longer be attracted to YOU physically, which is something you may want to consider. At some point after marriage, you may also find they may not be all that attracted to you now.
You didn't get what you wanted in your 20's and you are attempting to make up for it now. It is unfair, selfish and wrong for you to take from a younger woman to make up for your own personal losses. You have so well rationalized this matter no one is going to convince you otherwise. We are going to have to agree to disagree.
What if she's Christian, compatible, demographically desirable, wants three children..... and can't get pregnant?
Then, BUH BYE to her.
He has his shopping list (and that's exactly how it sounds) so well worked out to the last detail, I wonder how he has allowed for the unanticipated little things that surface sometimes.
Correction, there is nothing you find creepy about it. If it were my daughter, I'd have raised the roof. I'm going to bow out of this discussion, because frankly, I'm not here to be insulting, and I'm not willing to lie either, so I can't really do anything further here except make people angry and/or hurt feelings.
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