Posted on 03/01/2006 7:09:06 AM PST by ZGuy
In the United States, living together instead of marrying has become the norm for couples -- half of young adults aged 20-40 are cohabiting instead of getting married. Cohabitation has increased nearly 1,000% since 1980, and the marriage rate has dropped more than 40% since 1960.
Some see substituting living together for marriage as an insignificant shift in family “structure.” Those who are better informed realize that the shift has disastrous ramifications for the individuals involved, as well as for society and public policy.
The faulty reasoning leading young adults to make such a poor choice must be exposed. Here are four myths surrounding the shift.
Myth No. 1: Living Together Is a Good Way to “Test the Water”
Many couples say that they want to live together to see if they are compatible, not realizing that cohabitation is more a preparation for divorce than a way to strengthen the likelihood of a successful marriage -- the divorce rates of women who cohabit are nearly 80% higher than those who do not. In fact, studies indicate that cohabiting couples have lower marital quality and increased risk of divorce. Further, cohabiting relationships tend to be fragile and relatively short in duration; less than half of cohabiting relationships last five or more years. Typically, they last about 18 months.
Myth No. 2: Couples Don’t Really Need That “Piece of Paper”
A major problem with cohabitation is that it is a tentative arrangement that lacks stability; no one can depend upon the relationship -- not the partners, not the children, not the community, nor the society. Such relationships contribute little to those inside and certainly little to those outside the arrangement. Sometimes couples choose to live together as a substitute for marriage, indicating that, in case the relationship goes sour, they can avoid the trouble, expense and emotional trauma of a divorce. With such a weak bond between the two parties, there is little likelihood that they will work through their problems or that they will maintain the relationship under pressure.
Myth No. 3: Cohabiting Relationships Usually Lead to Marriage
During the 1970s, about 60% of cohabiting couples married each other within three years, but this proportion has since declined to less than 40%. While women today still tend to expect that “cohabitation will lead to marriage,” numerous studies of college students have found that men typically cohabit simply because it is “convenient.” In fact, there is general agreement among scholars that living together before marriage puts women at a distinct disadvantage in terms of “power.” A college professor described a survey that he conducted over a period of years in his marriage classes. He asked guys who were living with a girl, point blank, “Are you going to marry the girl that you’re living with?” The overwhelming response, he reports, was “NO!” When he asked the girls if they were going to marry the guy they were living with, their response was, “Oh, yes; we love each other and we are learning how to be together.”
Myth No. 4: Cohabiting Relationships Are More Egalitarian Than Marriage
It is common knowledge that women and children suffer more poverty after a cohabiting relationship breaks up, but it’s not so well understood that there is typically an economic imbalance in favor of the man within such relationships, too. While couples who live together say that they plan to share expenses equally, more often than not the women support the men. Studies show that women typically contribute more than 70% of the income in a cohabiting relationship. Likewise, the women tend to do more of the cleaning, cooking and laundry. If they are students, as is often the case, and facing economic or time constraints that require a reduction in class load, it is almost invariably the woman, not the man, who drops a class.
So What’s the Conclusion?
A mass of sociological evidence shows that cohabitation is an inferior alternative to the married, intact, two-parent, husband-and-wife family. Increasingly, the myths of living together without marriage are like a mirror shattered by the force of the facts that expose the reality of cohabitation.
Dr. Crouse is senior fellow of Concerned Women for America’s Beverly LaHaye Institute.
Yes, at 18, while having a discussion with my father, I reminded him that not all men were as fair as he was, or treated their women as well as he did, and therefore, some women might see a need for the feminist movement.
He had no response for the above comment (crickets chirping), because he knew it was true as he had frequently told me so himself.
But I think the situation would have become less repressive naturally, without the movement.
And in many ways the feminist movement spawned circumstances which are equally repressive, both to men and women.
Well, we disagree there. I'm not nearly so optimistic, but I don't think either one of us wants to argue a point that we both know can't be proven either way.
And in many ways the feminist movement spawned circumstances which are equally repressive, both to men and women.
Specifically?
I'm guessing that you're in your 30's, so I'm surprised that this courtship model was being utilized. I guess I'm just not up on things.
I have major doubts it myself. Not the least of which seems to be a rather creepy age differential similar to the one we see in mail order bride situations. I'd be dead set against my daughter marrying a man old enough to be my peer.
My fiance and I courted - online, long distance - and it worked for us. I'm going to read that linked article later because some courtship variants are sort of creepy sounding. Particularly the ones that sound like they want the dad to pick a husband for his daughters.
I can't wait to get married. I'd never live with someone before/instead of marriage... just seems like a seriously bad idea to me though I have friends who did it and still ended up happily married.
But my parents (who had a GREAT marriage) and many I know from their generation, did just fine, finding mates on their own, by dating with the goal of finding a mate. Of course that was long before the sexual revolution.
As for myself, I would have been fine dating when they did. Unfortunately, my time to date occurred after the sexual revolution, and far more often than not, I met men who weren't dating to find a mate the way I was. While many of my friends, still were able to find their mates, I and a few others were not. However, I also had some big responsibilities and hardships which interfered with establishing my life for many years, unlike my friends, that were an even greater impediment to finding a suitable mate than the societal dating situation at that time.
This is Round 776 of an ongoing fight on FR...
1) Poster puts up story about court proceeding where guy a)is thrown in jail for failing to make support/alimony payments representing 128% of his income b)found that child he's paid support for for six years is not his c) expresses reservations about marriage because of bias in court system, reservations about modern women, etc.
2) Posters reply with a) their own experiences, which they generalize as a universal truth b) stories about friends, families, etc c) cliches about gold digging women and deadbeat dads d) discussion of pros/cons of foreign brides.
3) Invective reaches Defcon 1 as posters ping like minded combatants to thread.
4) A few posters a)recognize that there are such things as deadbeat dads and gold digging women, and that it's never just one gender who's at fault b) recognize kindred spirits on the other side of the gender divide, and conclude that reasonableness knows no gender boundary.
5) These posters are quickly swept to the side by MoRTYs (more righteous than you) who immediately condemn those who have a) been married and divorced b) never been married as a) being proof of the imminent arrival of the Antichrist b)bearing the consequences of ungodly lives.
6) Combatants withdraw, content that their side won.
7) Unmarried males view the bloodbath resulting from same thread and resolve to never, ever get married. They picture themselves being married to the people/mouths the invective came from.
8) Unmarried women view the resulting bloodbath and resolve to never, ever marry the Neanderthal type males evidenced on the thread.
9) Poster opines that given the current atmosphere, perhaps it's best for men to not marry.
10) Return to #2.
Does anyone wonder why relations between the genders is getting worse instead of better? People are the best argument for staying single. We shouldn't be surprised that so many divorce; we should be amazed that anyone marries at all.
I don't agree it needed to happen. Things had been moving in a far less repressive direction for women since WWII. It was forced on us all by a very tiny minority and had severe repercussions.
You're the first person I know in modern times to do this courtship thing.... I'm glad it worked for you. Since I was single and a lot older than you, having lived apart from my dad many years, the idea of a man courting me through him would have seemed silly to both of us. It's still always important to me that there is approval and blessing from the family, I guess it's merely a matter of who's driving. :~D It depends a lot on your age, I'd think.
Dating is two people going out for a good time. (from the mans view: the hunt for sex). It doesn't necessarily have marriage as a goal. In fact I've heard dating referred to as "practice for divorce" as it normally involves lots of break ups and different 'partners' along the line.
In the June time frame I will start looking for a new wife. I don't have time to date. I will court instead.
(BTW, I'm 45 and I plan on having my late wife's parents help me in the process as my parents live quite a ways away. Of course my parents still get an up or down vote. I have a large number of church ladies sorting through the available women who meet my basic requirements to narrow the field to some I can be introduced to. I figure they know me and they know the women so it's easier for them to pick who will work well with me than it is for me to try randomly)
Here's an excellent treatise on courtship vs dating:
Amd some more resources:
The Courtship Connection
And the same goes for sex before marriage. There is as much pressure to have sex before marriage today as there was pressure not to have sex before marriage years ago.
I don't know if I agree with that. If I was able to buck tradition and stay home with my children for 13 1/2 years, I'm not going to feel a whole lot of sympathy for any woman who thinks SHE feels pressured to put her kids in daycare and get a job.
And the same goes for sex before marriage. There is as much pressure to have sex before marriage today as there was pressure not to have sex before marriage years ago.
Can't disagree there. To be honest, I'm conflicted on this issue. I'm very torn on what I know I should believe as a Christian, and what I truly believe in my heart of hearts.
Dating is two people going out for a good time. (from the mans view: the hunt for sex). It doesn't necessarily have marriage as a goal. In fact I've heard dating referred to as "practice for divorce" as it normally involves lots of break ups and different 'partners' along the line.
In the June time frame I will start looking for a new wife. I don't have time to date. I will court instead.
(BTW, I'm 45 and I plan on having my late wife's parents help me in the process as my parents live quite a ways away. Of course my parents still get an up or down vote. I have a large number of church ladies sorting through the available women who meet my basic requirements to narrow the field to some I can be introduced to. I figure they know me and they know the women so it's easier for them to pick who will work well with me than it is for me to try randomly)
Here's an excellent treatise on courtship vs dating:
Amd some more resources:
The Courtship Connection
LOL, the above would be particularly true if everyone in America read these threads. Thankfully they don't.
This is not all that bad of a thread, though. Mostly very civil discussion to everyone's credit.
Dating is two people going out for a good time. (from the mans view: the hunt for sex). It doesn't necessarily have marriage as a goal. In fact I've heard dating referred to as "practice for divorce" as it normally involves lots of break ups and different 'partners' along the line.
In the June time frame I will start looking for a new wife. I don't have time to date. I will court instead.
(BTW, I'm 45 and I plan on having my late wife's parents help me in the process as my parents live quite a ways away. Of course my parents still get an up or down vote. I have a large number of church ladies sorting through the available women who meet my basic requirements to narrow the field to some I can be introduced to. I figure they know me and they know the women so it's easier for them to pick who will work well with me than it is for me to try randomly)
Here's an excellent treatise on courtship vs dating:
Amd some more resources:
The Courtship Connection
The Barones, of course...Everybody Loves Raymond.
(sorry for the double post, lost my place)
Just has to be said again.
Not everyone is as mentally strong as you are, Melas. Nor do they understand the way you do, the importance of someone being home for the children.
The societal pressure for mothers to work and/or have careers is as strong today as the societal pressure for mothers to stay home was years ago.
I'm not sure that's societal pressure at work there...the new thing is for wives to take a timeout from their careers and stay home. As I recall a thread here earlier, it was a feminist who said that women have a "duty to their gender" to go out and work.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.