get merried and leave for the service in the same week... biggest recipe for disaster i've ever seen, and i've seen it tooo many times.
Posted on 02/04/2006 5:41:48 AM PST by freepatriot32
WASHINGTON - They are the Pentagon's new "rules of engagement" _ the diamond ring kind. U.S. Army chaplains are trying to teach troops how to pick the right spouse, through a program called "How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk."
The matchmaking advice comes as military family life is being stressed by two tough wars. Defense Department records show more than 56,000 in the Army _ active, National Guard and Reserve _ have divorced since the campaign in Afghanistan started in 2001.
Officials partly blame long and repeated deployments which started after the invasion of Iraq in 2003 and stretched the service thin.
Troops also are coming home with life-altering injuries.
Many come back better people, others worse-off _ but either way, very changed from who they were when they wed.
"Being in the military certainly raises the stakes when you choose a mate," said Lt. Col. Peter Frederich, head of family issues in the Pentagon's chaplain office.
The "no jerks" program is also called "P.I.C.K. a Partner," for Premarital Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge.
It advises the marriage-bound to study a partner's F.A.C.E.S. _ family background, attitudes, compatibility, experiences in previous relationships and skills they'd bring to the union.
It teaches the lovestruck to pace themselves with a R.A.M. chart _ the Relationship Attachment Model _ which basically says don't let your sexual involvement exceed your level of commitment or level of knowledge about the other person.
Maj. John Kegley, a chaplain who teaches the program in Monterey, Calif., throws in the "no jerk salute" for fun. One hand at the heart, two-fingers at the brow mean use your heart and brain when choosing.
Though the acronyms and salute make it sound like something the Pentagon would come up with, the program was created by former minister John Van Epp of Ohio, who has a doctorate in psychology and a private counseling practice. He teaches it to Army chaplains, who in turn teach it to troops.
It also is used by social service agencies, prisons, churches and other civilian groups.
Commanders once discouraged troops from starting a family while serving. Thus the old saying: "If the Army wanted you to have a wife, it would have issued you one."
Today, the military supports families more than any other employer, Frederich said.
The Bush administration proposes to spend $5.6 billion in the next budget year for quality-of-life services for troops and their families.
That includes help with child care, education, spouse job hunting, legal assistance, commissaries, relocation counseling _ programs on every family issue imaginable _ to promote stability, and thus troop readiness.
Such support notwithstanding, "not everybody is cut out" to marry into the military, said Army spokeswoman Martha Rudd.
Some 740,000 people _ or a little more than half of all troops in the active-duty armed forces _ are married. Of those, some 96,000 had spouses also in uniform in the 2004 budget year, according to Pentagon figures.
The Army hopes the "no jerks" program will help couples decide if they are ready for a long-term commitment and can cope with the unique stresses of military life.
"Settings like military bases are incubators," said Van Epp, of Medina, Ohio. "They try to hatch ... relationships extremely fast," leading to higher divorce rates and more domestic violence.
The program teaches troops not to cave in to the pressure of a ticking clock _ like rushing to marry before shipping out for a deployment, or too soon after homecoming.
Last month, Van Epp sent 200 program workbooks to troops in Iraq.
___
On the Net:
Family support programs: http://www.militaryonesource.com
P.I.C.K a Partner http://www.nojerks.com
Good advice for anyone.
Well, since no one else has said it yet, I will: it's better than "Fire in the hole!"
(This moment of poor taste brought to you by my five years of working on a Navy base.)
My brother, being an officer in the Army, could not have picked a better wife than his wife Mindy. They were engaged the very weekend he received his commission. She is such an asset to him and to the military as she is a strong, fierce and well-organized American woman!
get merried and leave for the service in the same week... biggest recipe for disaster i've ever seen, and i've seen it tooo many times.
When he makes the bed and folds his clothes better than you do.
Hmmm... don't ask don't tell.
roger that...my practice wife (first wife) never understood why I would yell "lock and load" when I would get home after deployment...my current wife of 23 years "got it" early in our marriage- her response was always "wait out for equipment check..." go figure...
That's all I ever heard in Basic too. "If the Army wanted you to have a wife, it would issue you one!"
Of course, I didn't listen and married a woman who didn't have a clue about the Military and looked upon it as any other 9 to 5 job.
Funniest part was during the divorce, she actually tried to have it written into the divorce that she would have access to my GI Bill benefits.
It used to be; "If the Army wants you to have a wife they'll issue you one!"
Now it looks like they almost are. Every issue item comes with classes from how to select, to how to maintain, so now.....
"How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk."
I'm glad this program wasn't around when I met my wife or she would have never married me.
The military is worried about the divorce rate so it blames the spouses instead of the year long deployments???
Hey, the long deployments are a fact of life. And back in WW II-- it wasn't year long-- you stayed until the war was won.
So if the nature of military life demands long stretches away from home (and long hours even in garrison), our service members are well advised to pick their spouses carefully. It takes a deep commitment from a soldier's spouse to support that soldier "for better or worse." And yes, not everyone is up to it.
BTTT
Good for them. Glad to see it. I worked in Family Support for many years while I was in the Army. I was no shining example to follow, as I have a divorce from a Sailor behind me...but that gave me much more empathy to do my job and help out military families who were in a (usually self-induced) crisis.
I'm happy to report that we "beat the odds". Even without the 'benefit' of a "how to" course -- we will soon celebrate our 45th anniversary...
And wait is just what they did.
What has happened to our family members that they don't unerstand the nature of war?
Compared to other wars, a year is not all that long. Still there's not much the military can do, absent a large increase in their numbers, and thus their budgets, about the deployments. They don't make policy, they only execute it.
Considering that the target audience is not senior NCO's or field grade officers, the answer probably is either "yes", or "not long ago they were".
One should pick a spouse in at least as good a light as one uses to pick out a suit. (And one should be at least as sober.)
given the divorce rate in this country a little help and guidance in choosing more carefully might be a good idea..
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