SMART SINGLE WOMEN DESPAIR OF EVER FINDING TRUE LOVE (Dear Abby, reference to Maureen Dowd)

www.uexpress.com ^ | December 22, 2005 | Abigail Van Buren

[Sonny M]

DEAR ABBY: Several of my friends and I were bemoaning our status as single women in our late 20s/early 30s, and discussing an article we had read in The New York Times about how smart women are less likely to get married. We'd all like to find Mr. Wonderful and be married. But if we have to curtail our professional success, financial wherewithal and IQ to do it, how can a person even begin to do such a thing?

I have a feeling you'll say to be ourselves and it will all work out, but thus far it has NOT worked out, and we're starting to worry. Personally, I think we'd be better off to take jobs as "administrators" in a large company somewhere and hope for the best.

Help, Abby! What's the answer for smart, fun women who have their acts together? How can we best poise ourselves to find true love while being true to ourselves? -- LOSING FAITH IN FINDING MR. RIGHT

DEAR LOSING FAITH: The truth is, there are no guarantees that ANYONE (male or female) will land a mate. It isn't easy these days because people are commitment-phobic. And this applies to individuals at all economic and educational levels, not just you at the top. Pairing off is often a matter of luck and timing -- being in the right place at the right time.

Eligible members of both sexes can be found in places of common interest -- places that are intellectually rewarding, culturally stimulating, athletically challenging or financially advantageous. As to whether you should downgrade your job level in order to appear less "threatening," I guarantee that if you don't take financial care of yourselves while you can, you will regret it later. To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, you could fool some of the bachelors some of the time, but you couldn't fool all of them all of the time.

There are worse things than not finding Prince Charming, and one of them is spending your life pretending to be something you're not. So my advice is to stop reading defeatist newspaper and magazine articles. They'll only make you desperate, clingy and depressed -- and none of those traits is attractive to either sex.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently had a baby. We chose a mature, Christian couple to be our child's godparents. However, my brother-in-law is infuriated over the fact that he's not the godparent. He has disowned my husband and wants nothing to do with us. Behavior such as this in the past is part of the reason he wasn't chosen. However, I need to know this: Did we have an obligation to choose him as a godparent? How should we handle his immaturity and controlling behavior? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN OHIO

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: A godparent can either be a relative or a close friend, and you were not obligated to choose one over the other. Your brother-in-law may be hurt that he wasn't chosen, but his subsequent behavior has been so childish that it's apparent you made the right decision. The way to handle his immature and controlling behavior is to forgive him for it, and go on with your lives.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EDWARD PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Birthday, baby brother! I hope you're enjoying your special day.

[najida]

To borrow from a friend,
I want to be loved for me, not because I meet all the criteria on a checklist.

Or my defrost cycle is short enough, my bins are big enough or I don't allow things to spoil.

In the mean time, I'm just happy being myself and flirting with the guys at the fish market ;)

[HairOfTheDog]

I think an important element that most men on this thread missed, is that it sounded like they were saying that women over 40 could just disappear off the face of the Earth for all they cared. But the implication was really that there are plenty of 50 year old men and 60 year old men who would love a younger woman to fall in love with them. If a 45 year old woman feels "55 year old men can all drop dead for all I care"...then there's a problem. :-0

Your 45 year old straw-woman is made up. Women ~don't~ think like that about older men.

It is she who was told she could drop dead (by some)

[HairOfTheDog]

Or my defrost cycle is short enough, my bins are big enough or I don't allow things to spoil.

You don't even have an ice dispenser I bet :~D

[najida]

The only issue I have with most older men is that they're looking for a nurse and a purse.

My entire career has been in healthcare--- mostly nursing homes, hospice etc. I also nursed a semi-invalid hubby for 9 years (who was 20 years older). I'm healthy, active and a brat even though I'm almost 50.

I intend to stay that way until I'm at least 99, then I'll slow down. Some days I can pass for 35...with a hangover and not enough sleep I can look like that picture in Dorian Grays attic.

If I meet a healthy, vital, active 55 year old who doesn't ask me to check his blood sugar, if I can work his blood-pressure cuff or do I know CPR, I'm all for it.

Honestly, I've yet to meet an older guy who doesn't get almost orgasmic when they find out what I do for a living and say "WOW! You're just what I need"!

NO! Been there, done that, won't do it again.

In the meantime, I'm flirting with the 25 year olds at the fishmarket. :)

[najida]

PS,
It sounds like you're saying you guys have the right to want hot bods and youth but we older chicks should be grateful for any geezer who'll take us ;)

So, in the light of this thread I'm announcing that my THIRD husband (if I dare) has to be at least hmmmm,
10 years younger than I. :) 15 would be better.

With a 6 pack stomach.
Being able to put up Christmas lights would be a plus.

Thanks, I feel better now.

[najida]

I guess I do have an ice dispensor.

Sorry! I do think like that about older men (but I have really good reasons! Honest!)

[HairOfTheDog]

~sigh~

I'm gonna have to lecture you next, I can tell :~D

[GermanBusiness]

[ I can look like that picture in Dorian Grays attic. ]

I guess everyone over 30 starts to think like Dorian Gray. I, too, look quite a bit younger and thus I find myself in Dorian Gray's mindset, without the drugs and murder of course.

Don't knock the nurse thing though. It is a major attraction for any man no matter how young! Men want the Florence Nightengale syndrome.

[John O]

It's rude to continue to talk about me, and my marriage, without the courtesy of pinging me.

I apologize. I'll try hard not to do it again.

For me, it was this idea you posted above that if you found this young thing to marry and she turned out to be barren you would annull the marriage or be doomed to a life of resenting her.

please read what I said again. I specifically said that if she KNEW she was barren before the marriage I would annull it. If she didn't know then how could it be false representation? If it turns out that way I would love her and treasure her as my wife. God knows what He's doing.

If that's the main thing tripping you all up then I guess we just wasted a bunch of time. Marriage is forever. Trust me if I was ever going to leave a marriage for health reasons I would have left my first one.

You also say that if you met a woman who already had children you would simply resent those children.

I addressed the case of a woman with children that I choose to marry with najida previously and God is working on me with that. Our conversation dealt specifically with the hypothetical case of a woman I was FORCED to marry who had pre-existing children. Entirely different case.

Clearly you know most women to be better hearts than yourself.

I never doubted it. That's why women are known as the gentler sex

Again... it's not wrong to want children,

Then why get all bent out of shape at me because I want to marry a woman who can have children?

The traffic on the freeway yesterday sure indicated to me that mankind has indeed" gone forth and multiplied"

But I haven't. We've replaced Michele but haven't replaced me yet nor have we increased.

Your wife's story was very sad indeed... I'm guess I'm just stunned that after all that, you didn't find anything deeper than one line of Genesis to go forward with.

I've got lots to go forward with, but we were talking about marriage and children

Have a very Merry Christmas

[najida]

Well,
I just want someone who can put up the Christmas lights on the house, really. (I did it this year and a blind chimpanzee could have done a better job). I mean, I don't mind being up on the roof, but...

And did I mention that I'm going to have to buy a way bigger chainsaw because the scrub oaks are now trees? I mean I can run it, but....

Oh yeah, and lastly, there is this new hormone 'script the Dr. put me on which means that if he can do the first two things well, then he can do the last thing also :)

[John O]

You better believe it. You may need a complete wardrobe makeover...the whole works.

Michele's best friend is already telling me she's going to tune up my appearance. I'm an engineer after all. By training and by nature clothes have never really been all that important to me.

I'm already down 10 lbs of the 40 I needed to lose and bought myself a bowflex to get myself in much better shape. If nothing else it helps me keep up with my daughter

[John O]

Personally, I won't settle for less, or think it can be made better, or that soulmates are not important. I did once, and it was the biggest mistake of my life.

I agree. I loved Michele almost from the first time I saw her. I just didn't realize it until she asked me out. But for some reason I kept ending up hanging out by her office. (I was young and shy)

Have a very Merry Christmas

[najida]

No....
You have no idea what a soul ripper that was. Plus the man hated me with a passion near the end of it all (constant pain and psychosis does that)

I would care for anyone I loved who fell ill, but I will never, ever willingly walk into being someone's caregiver again, unless I honestly am so in love with them I can't do otherwise.

Otherwise, I'm WAY happier alone and flirting with the boys at the fish market :)

[HairOfTheDog]

I specifically said that if she KNEW she was barren before the marriage

And I posed doubt about how she could possibly know. What method would you use in finding out this trickery?

I addressed the case of a woman with children that I choose to marry with najida previously and God is working on me with that. Our conversation dealt specifically with the hypothetical case of a woman I was FORCED to marry who had pre-existing children. Entirely different case.

I appreciate that you say "God is working with me on that". It's a cop-out, but at least someone's trying to better you. FORCED marriage as a hypothetical? come on. No one suggested forced marriage but you. It's utterly preposterous.

Good luck to you. And good day.

[DennisR]

"Several of my friends and I were bemoaning our status as single women in our late 20s/early 30s, and discussing an article we had read in The New York Times about how smart women are less likely to get married."

It is not that you are smart - nothing wrong with that. But what are you going to do when you have kids? Put them in daycare? That is what would scare me - not knowing whether you would choose your career (keeping with the feminist propaganda) or my kids.

[John O]

Plus the man hated me with a passion near the end of it all (constant pain and psychosis does that)

Mental health issues are always tough to deal with. I know that it was hell to go through that with Michele. But I'd do it all over again if I had to (Not that I'd ever want Michele or anyone else to have to go through that but I think you know what I mean)

[Allegra]

What she is overlooking is her own odious personality, which is evident in every column she writes.

Not to mention that obnoxious, nasal voice. She sounds like Lily Tomlin doing her Ernerstine routine.

[najida]

You're different from me because I wouldn't...
Yep, husband #2 was not a soul mate...he was a "well, I've had one great love, guess I won't have another...we get along, he says he likes me OK, I can't have kids, he's had his family....blah blah blah"

Big mistake for both of us.

I won't make that mistake again.

BTW,
I had made a list and put it in my Bible of all the things I wanted in a husband. He met the list (so I just KNEW he was the right one! Stupid me.) I now know that God has a sadistic sense of humor ;)

[John O]

I appreciate that you say "God is working with me on that". It's a cop-out, but at least someone's trying to better you.

Strongly disagree on the cop-out thing. If you know you need to change something and are praying that God will help you change how is that copping out?

FORCED marriage as a hypothetical? come on. No one suggested forced marriage but you.

I guess I misinterpreted your meaning in your post 457:
Excuse me but I hardly think that should matter. They're kids. They need a dad.

It read to me like I should marry her anyway just because she has kids that need a dad. Sorry for the misunderstanding

[HairOfTheDog]

I think it's copping-out because first of all, you said "I'd resent them" when speaking of a woman who had children, without any indication that you thought this was wrong, or that you were seeking to change that view. You said it as a matter of fact, until you were called on it.

I also think it's a cop-out because if you have already used "oh that woman has kids, so I won't consider her a good match for me" then I hardly see that you are open to even testing how well you could bond with her kids because there would be no courtship. She was rejected on first glance.

It's also a cop-out because you are a grown man, not a puppet. If you truly want to change it... then change it. You posted it without hesitation on this thread today, so I don't think you've been working on it very long. Only since you had it questioned.

As for "It read to me like I should marry her anyway just because she has kids that need a dad" meaning someone was FORCING you, that's just whacked. I merely suggested it closed minded and selfish to reject women your own age on sight because she has kid(s), while you yourself seek a woman who would love yours.

Again.... you can pretend you're working on this issue all you want, while looking past and pretending not to notice any available women who have a child because they are out of the question.