Posted on 11/27/2005 4:18:42 PM PST by Lorianne
WASHINGTON, Mich. - Until last February, Mary Ellen Geist was the archetypal career woman, a radio news anchor with a six-figure salary and a suitcase always packed for the next adventure, whether a third-world coup, a weekend of wine tasting or a job in a bigger market.
But now, Ms. Geist, 49, has a life that would be unrecognizable to colleagues and friends in Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York City. She has returned to her family home near Detroit to care for her parents, one lost to dementia and the other to sorrow.
Ms. Geist sleeps in the dormered bedroom of her childhood and survives without urban amenities like white balsamic vinegar. She starts her days reminding her father, Woody, a sweet-tempered 78-year-old who once owned an auto parts company, how to spoon cereal from his bowl.
Then, in a Mercedes C230 that she calls the "last remnant of my other life," she takes him to adult day care, begging her mother to use her time alone to get a massage or take a painting class.
(Excerpt) Read more at nytimes.com ...
"I'm here to make my dad feel loved and keep my mom from losing her mind," Ms. Geist said.
Good article, bittersweet.
Great post, nice of you to share a better than usual article from the NY Times with us.
Maybe I'm cold and stupid, but I don't want my children to be burdened by me if I get like this. I want them to put me in a nursing home and visit me regularly. I just wouldn't feel right impinging on their lives in that way.
Yes, it most definitely is. I admire any one who has done this for their relative(s).
Thanks for the response. I wanted to add, that we NEVER applied for Medicaid.
Some people (R's and D's) transfer their savings to their heirs, then get the government to pay for care (which was up to $80,000 in some years). Although my parents were Democrats (the good old fashioned kind), it would have killed their pride to take "government" money. (Needless to say, they raised a good Republican daughter.)
As an only child it was clearly my task to care for my mother when she could no longer do so for herself. When she lost her eyesight I moved her in with me, and cared for her day in and day out for five years, til the morning I found she'd died in her sleep.
My friends and family told me flat out I was crazy and I should put her in a nursing home. I reminded them more than once that she wasn't SICK. This became such a sore spot between us in the family that we completely stopped communicating til the morning she died.
I didn't feel noble - there were some days when I was downright grumpy- but it never dawned on me to do anything else. I quit my "career" and worked part time here and there. We didn't have much- but we didn't have food stamps or welfare either. We managed. I knew it wasn't forever. Not a day went by that my mom didn't thank me and remind me how wonderful it was to have me there. I'm grateful that I made the correct decision.
Been there, done that. My advice? Don' t do it.
I took care of my father until the very moment he died. I don't need to ask such questions.
"She needed 24/7 looking after and I was afraid to leave her alone."
I went through something like this when my brother was dying of AIDS. His friends and I were tag-teaming it, but you are right 24/7 is impossible without paid people to spend the time.
We did very well with the NYC visiting nurse service. He died at home too. The whole thing only went on for about 6 weeks, but it felt like an eternity, so I can only imagine a similar situation that goes on for years.
I agree that I prefer the idea of assisted living or nursing home care, having lived through this.
But, do you have the $60,000 plus saved away to pay for this? Do your kids? Or, will you rely on Medicaid/welfare/taxpayer money?
I think that's a fair question.
I have purchased VERY EXPENSIVE Long Term Care insurance, so that I am not a burden on taxpayers.
There's no such thing as a "rest home" and you might've been in some to know that for yourself. They're like cattle pens with the odor of urine stinging at your eyes when you just open the door. There's no dignity. Patients are left to rot away, marooned on wheel chairs, stewing in their own waste. It's a horrible sight, some of these facilities.
My mom has been in dementia for years, you don't see me running home to be a victim of it. ;-)
My doctor was seriously concerned for my health. I was eating the right things, but I could not lose weight. He said it was due to stress. I have a cholesterol issue and I have to keep very close control of my weight.
After my mom was safely at the nursing home, I dropped 15 pounds right away - but I was also physically ill for about 3 weeks. My doctor explained it as a let down - and the fact that you can suppress illness when you know you are the sole person looking after someone else.
Thank goodness the illnesses weren't serious and I'm very healthy now.
THAT could be because the person you are caring for is MUCH closer to YOU, because they could/would NOT be close to their own....there is another side to situations like this. I know.
An excellent post.
When it comes to issues such as these, there are no simple answers and no one right way to do it. Life is never perfect, but a series of trade offs. Some easy, most difficult.
I would see your "growing old ain't fer sissies" and raise you a "life ain't fer sissies."
I gave up my career in 1999 to take care of my sick parents. I was 40 years old. really was on the fast track..had just landed my dream job. It's now almost seven years later and my full time job is taking care of my bedridden mother. Are there times I feel a little "unhappy." I won't lie...there are times. Do I regret any of it...NOT ONE MINUTE.
There are some with youngins of there own to care for. What you really wish you could do, you can't always do.
I heartily agree. My Dad with dementia has been with us for 5 years. He and I were always like gas and matches, and everyone thought it would be impossible.
I'm convinced he'd be dead by now if we had shuffled him off to a "home".
It isn't easy, but it's right.
I thank God for this time, it's been healing. And, I thank God for my husband for all the help he gives.
Gee, Hitman, I don't want to push any buttons or anything -- but one wonders:
Who takes care of your poor mom?
Who pays for it?
Are you usually so cynical, or are you just projecting?
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