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Forget the Career. My Parents Need Me at Home.
NY Times ^ | 24 November 2005 | Jane Gross

Posted on 11/27/2005 4:18:42 PM PST by Lorianne

WASHINGTON, Mich. - Until last February, Mary Ellen Geist was the archetypal career woman, a radio news anchor with a six-figure salary and a suitcase always packed for the next adventure, whether a third-world coup, a weekend of wine tasting or a job in a bigger market.

But now, Ms. Geist, 49, has a life that would be unrecognizable to colleagues and friends in Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York City. She has returned to her family home near Detroit to care for her parents, one lost to dementia and the other to sorrow.

Ms. Geist sleeps in the dormered bedroom of her childhood and survives without urban amenities like white balsamic vinegar. She starts her days reminding her father, Woody, a sweet-tempered 78-year-old who once owned an auto parts company, how to spoon cereal from his bowl.

Then, in a Mercedes C230 that she calls the "last remnant of my other life," she takes him to adult day care, begging her mother to use her time alone to get a massage or take a painting class.

(Excerpt) Read more at nytimes.com ...


TOPICS: Business/Economy; Culture/Society
KEYWORDS: babyboomers; d; elderly; family; women
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To: gubamyster
Can you say "power of attorney"?

I can say 'cynic' too.

21 posted on 11/27/2005 4:34:51 PM PST by airborne (Al-Queda can recruit on college campuses but the US military can't!)
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To: Lorianne

I did pretty much the same thing with my Dad.Wouldn't have done it any other way,given how good he was to so many people,including me.


22 posted on 11/27/2005 4:35:53 PM PST by Gay State Conservative
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To: Lorianne

I remember her. She was at KGO 810 in San Francisco for years.


23 posted on 11/27/2005 4:36:41 PM PST by Riley ("Bother" said Pooh, as he fired the Claymores.)
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To: Lorianne
I hope she writes a moving account about dealing with the loss of a love one to dementia. It's rather cruel the way a person disappears as if a unknown thief has stolen them away right under your very nose.
24 posted on 11/27/2005 4:38:03 PM PST by armymarinemom (My sons freed Iraqi and Afghanistan Honor Roll students.)
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To: goldstategop
The only thing you can count on in this life are the people who love you.

Amen.

25 posted on 11/27/2005 4:38:11 PM PST by LaineyDee (Don't mess with Texas wimmen!)
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To: gubamyster
Can you say "power of attorney"?

Yo' gubamyster, pretty cynical there, huh?

26 posted on 11/27/2005 4:38:32 PM PST by raybbr
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To: Lorianne

I can't imagine taking care of any of my parents this way, it would be so incredibly difficult. I'd sooner let them join my life than give up everything and join theirs. I have to admit, I don't understand it...And I can tell you there are plenty of siblings who would be suspicious that the poor girl was doing it for the inheritance money - mainly because that's the only way they can imagine themselves ever doing it...I'm sure she couldn't be paid enough to go through what she is...


27 posted on 11/27/2005 4:40:39 PM PST by yldstrk (My heros have always been cowboys-Reagan and Bush)
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To: gubamyster
Maybe she is just trying to keep the parents from spending all her inheritance

I doubt anyone who might fit your description of a Sleaze would have the patience to deal with the demands of an Alzheimers family member.

28 posted on 11/27/2005 4:41:39 PM PST by WideGlide (That light at the end of the tunnel might be a muzzle flash.)
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To: digger48

It just used to be a "normal thing" to do.

Yes, but in this day and age it is a very loving thing to do. My parents are elderly and their health is slowly declining. I live about a mile from their home and won't even consider moving to the next county because I want to stay close to them. Call it what you will I just love them so very much.


29 posted on 11/27/2005 4:42:07 PM PST by LoudRepublicangirl (loudrepublicangirl)
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To: digger48

We took care of my mother. There are many ways to do it. She lived with us for years and then became dangerous to herself. That happens too. We all benefited from it. She loved the time with us and being near us in a group home. We got to see her turn from angry aggitated dementia to sweet granny "I love you" days. Her death was at home.


30 posted on 11/27/2005 4:42:20 PM PST by sine_nomine (Every baby is a blessing from God, from the moment of conception.)
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To: gubamyster

There's no need to be cynical about this. If the parents have substantial net worth, it makes a lot of sense. In effect, she has chosen a new career as a care taker, and she is in a position to provide superior care at greatly reduced cost, so why not? Where is the virtue in casting your parents into hell so that vultures can devour your inheritance ?


31 posted on 11/27/2005 4:42:49 PM PST by dr_lew
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To: Lorianne
Thanks for posting this. It is an amazingly complicated and heart-breaking issue.

I gave up -- ended my carreer for a decade -- and helped both of my parents die. (The role of the only child.)

They had saved $500,000 over a lifetime, through skimping and going without. By the time they died, that was gone and I had gone through my savings, as well, caring for them.

These are issues, we as a society, must address, for all of our sakes. (Sorry, if that sounds liberal.)

32 posted on 11/27/2005 4:43:10 PM PST by Sleeping Beauty (In speellcheck I trust.)
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To: yldstrk

Having just put my mother in a nursing home, I can relate. After almost 3 years, the strain of caring for my mother became unbearable. She needed 24/7 looking after and I was afraid to leave her alone.

It's painful to turn them over to strangers, but it was my only way of surviving. She is very happy to have all the attention. Everytime I visit, she thanks me over and over for bringing her there. But it's still hard to visit, knowing she doesn't know who I am.

I don't regret the time I spent with her, but there is no way one person can do that job alone - or even with a whole family - somebody always has to be with them.


33 posted on 11/27/2005 4:45:37 PM PST by CyberAnt ( I believe Congressman Curt Weldon re Able Danger)
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To: Sleeping Beauty

These are issues, we as a society, must address, for all of our sakes. (Sorry, if that sounds liberal.)


I don't think that sounds liberal at all. Our older generations made this country. They do not owe us we owe them.


34 posted on 11/27/2005 4:46:11 PM PST by LoudRepublicangirl (loudrepublicangirl)
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To: Lorianne

I took care of both my mom and dad, at home when they were ill and dying...they lived in California, I lived in Washington State....I was lucky, I had a husband who was willing to work to earn the living, come home to do my job, and my younger son was 15, so he was not a baby who needed his mom all the time...the men in my family, worked together to ensure that I could go down to California for several weeks, care for my parents, and come home to Washington state for a few days rest...It just seemed so much better for my parents to be able to live in their own home, and be taken care of there...

Dads cancer tho, finally took him after a few months of my care...mom had late stage Alzheimers, and for a year, I went back and forth between California and Washington...after a year of doing that, I made the decision to buy a bigger house in Washington, and move mom in with us...which is what we did...

Mom lived another two years with us, and in her Alzheimer dementia induced state, she no longer knew who any of us were...she just knew she was safe, she was loved, ,she was taken care of, and that is what she seemed to need...she died at home, surrounded by her family...

Ironically, I have worked for years in nursing homes, and have seen those who have been brought there to live out their last days...we who work in the nursing homes, are often closer to our residents than their own family is...we care for them, we love them as if they were our own family, we are the ones who hold their hands when they are scared and about to die...

I do realize that not everyone feels they are able to care for their aged parents at home...but it might be worthwhile, in spite of ones doubts, to at least give it a try... I am so glad, that I cared for my parents at home until they died...it is a decision that I never regretted, no matter how difficult things got...I always figured, as a baby and as a child growing up, I am sure I was difficult to handle at times(I was a really bratty child), yet my parents never sent me away...in their last days, I figured, I could never send my parents away from me...


35 posted on 11/27/2005 4:46:16 PM PST by andysandmikesmom
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To: Lorianne

Children learn from their parents. Those that ignore their parents in their last years will find that out when their there.


36 posted on 11/27/2005 4:47:34 PM PST by Semper Paratus
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To: Lorianne

I've been living this same life for the last three years with my grandmother who has dementia. On days when she remembers who I am, it's like as if the fog has lifted, and I try to hold onto those moments as much as I can, because those moments are like the ray of sunshine and a break from the stress and frustration of knowing your loved one is drifting further away.


37 posted on 11/27/2005 4:48:19 PM PST by BigSkyFreeper ("Tucker Carlson could reveal himself as a castrated, lesbian, rodeo clown ...wouldn't surprise me")
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To: Lorianne

My mother did the same, only they liked one another.I'll never
face this, my parents both died suddenly at different times.


38 posted on 11/27/2005 4:49:48 PM PST by Boazo (From the mind of BOAZO)
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To: litehaus

Prayers up! I know what you're going through... God Bless!


39 posted on 11/27/2005 4:50:44 PM PST by LaineyDee (Don't mess with Texas wimmen!)
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To: goldstategop; Lorianne

Whether or not to go for the nursing home is dependent on the elderly parent's condition and the caregiver's personality

and financial considerations

in a perfect world folks should be allowed to die at home but sometimes caring for them at home can be worse than high intensity assisted living

and some old folks vehemently refuse to be a bother to kids or grandkids...or it's a pride thing

there is just more to it than the ideal....though I admire the ideal

my wife and i have now dealt with this twice and working on two more circumstances now

it's tuff....i'm glad we are here and can help

however...my own mother already has a local Ritz Carlton level assisted living staked out....that's how she wants it...but we can afford that as an extended family....I have seen some county homes that leave a lot to be desired

growing old ain't fer sissies


40 posted on 11/27/2005 4:57:32 PM PST by wardaddy
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