51st Way to Leave Your Lover

Special to FreeRepublic ^ | 26 November 2005 | John Armor (Congressman Billybob)

[Congressman Billybob]

My wife, Kemberly, has left. That’s ordinary enough. It happens a few million times a year, assuming that half of all American divorces are the wife’s idea. But this is about the why, not the what, of that decision.

The why is unique, and extraordinary. If I were she, and she were I, I would do the same thing. (Work on it. That sentence is grammatically correct.)

My wife has been offered the job of Head Chef of a new restaurant out of town, to be built and run to her specifications. To that you say, well, some commuter marriages work. Not this time. The restaurant is a few miles outside Pago Pago in American Samoa. And that is 8,000 miles from my home in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

Our situation raises an interesting philosophical question. Would you, should you, leave your husband/wife if the chance of a lifetime – the chance of several lifetimes – came along?

Here’s our story. The Internet recounted its beginning, so it’s appropriate it should recount its end. We began with serendipity, a Newsweek recommendation of my column that brought me together with a lady from Indiana who read it. We end with serendipity, also.

Anyone with skills as a chef, and manager, and caterer, would jump at the opportunity to run a brand-new, four-star restaurant, if such an opening came to his/her attention. A fair number of you are closet chefs. You watch the Food Network. You think maybe you could chuck your humdrum day job and build a satisfying future with a special food product, or a brand-new restaurant. You know who you are. I saw you smile.

But opportunities like that aren’t advertised in the paper. Like much else which appears in the newspapers, things aren’t what they claim. You can rest assured that a help wanted ad that says it offers the “Opportunity of a Lifetime,” doesn’t.

Here’s the story behind this story. Back in June, Kem made a business trip to American Samoa. The population is about 67,000, but of those the ones who come from mainland US or other nations are a smaller group and everyone knows everybody. When anyone new shows up, the residents get to know him/her promptly. It’s the equivalent of waiting for the stage in the American West a century ago.

Anyway, it turns out that a group of businessmen were interested in creating a new, four-star restaurant near Pago Pago. They knew what they wanted, but not who would do it. Enter a talented woman from North Carolina. Everybody invites each other in that group home for dinner. (There ain’t a lot of nighttime entertainment in Samoa.)

So, the folks on the island found out that Kem is a fine cook. They also found out that she knows her way around commercial equipment and management for kitchens, and multiple styles of cooking from many nations. To make a long story short, she had an opportunity to become Head Chef, and partner, with full creative control.

She looked at three possible locations for the restaurant, two for new construction and one a mansion with wrap-around porches overlooking the Pacific. Think of the architecture and environment described in Somerset Maugham’s famous short story, “Rain.” He was living on Samoa when he wrote that.

Kem has not described to me how long it took her to consider this offer that came out of the blue. Maybe she didn’t want to hurt my feelings worse by telling me that her delay was measured in nanoseconds rather than days or weeks. In any event, she returned to North Carolina, and immediately told me the good news (or bad news, depending on your viewpoint).

I understood right away how incredible this opportunity was for her, and why she wanted to accept it. So, instead of getting hysterical, I’ve worked with her on such details as getting a long-term, no-cut contract, and possible copyright issues with the name of the restaurant. So there you have it; probably the most extraordinary reason for the end of a marriage that you’ve ever heard.

Will I miss Kem? You bet. Do I wish her well? Absolutely. Since many readers of my columns are friends of both of us, drop her a line care of my address and I’ll get it to her. And if you’re in Pago Pago in about 14 months, look her up at the club, have “a Thanksgiving dinner that can’t be beat,” and say hello.

About the Author: John Armor is a First Amendment attorney and author who lives in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina. John_Armor@aya.yale.edu

[Mike Darancette]

Since we Samoans prefer to eat taro rather than yams,

Taro is used in poi, right?

[trussell]

That post was sent to "all" also.

You are helping to cast doubt on what Congressman Billybob as written. He needs the support of his friends right now, and you are not helping to provide that.

[Al Simmons]

Well, John, you posted this trolling for a beating, so here goes;

Given your age (nearing 60 I would guess), and your otherwise excellent political prognosticating, I am left dumbfounded (not by your decision re: the marriage) but by what possessed you to debase yourself by posting this private ..ugh...'stuff'... in public?

Didn't your parents/grandparents teach you about shame and modesty?

For Chrisssakes man, GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF!!!!

I am younger than you, yet I can tell you that perhaps the single thing that infuriates me most about American culture today is the cheapening of dignity via the "Oprah-tization" of the culture.

You don't call someone you just met by their first name because its not polite;

You call your elders "sir" or "maam" as a sign of respect;

And you don't air your dirty laundry in public because you have DIGNITY and SELF-RESPECT;

You take life's down turns stoically, not asking for pity, and not advertising your misfortune.

Were you drunk when you posted this? (please DO NOT ANSWER - as a fellow attorney you can recognize this as a 'rhetorical question')

In any event, any man who - at your age - shows this kind of lack of judgment will unfortunately find that his entire spectrum of opinions has become instantly suspect.

Hope you can get some (private) help with the difficulties you are going through.

But for God's sake, man, recover some of your dignity and keep it PRIVATE!

[RobFromGa]

Maybe he needs his FRiends to tell him what he obviously is having a hard time seeing for himself. Maybe that is part of FRiendship too.

[Al Simmons]

As a man with some experience, your comment about remaining "friends" with an ex dumbfound me.

How can you possibly remain friends with someone who has betrayed you in a way that morally can only be comparable to treason against one's country?

Forgive me for concluding that folks who make such statements have an elevator that somehow doesn't "go to the top floor".

[trussell]

I know, as friends, we would like to think that we know what's best for him and his marriage...but only him and his wife, through God's guidance, know what is destined to happen there.

It would be so easy to offer advice... but we need to consider showing our support, praying for the situation, and asking for God's will to be done instead.

[Al Simmons]

The only advice he needs from us is to keep his private life to himself and his close circle of friends/family instead of posting it for the entire world to see.

[aculeus]

Don't know either of you but a nicely done bittersweet commentary.

[aMorePerfectUnion]

"To make a long story short, she had an opportunity to become Head Chef, and partner, with full creative control."

Bottom Line Translation: A group of business guys want a restaurant. They need someone to run it [sub, sub translation - someone to do everything that involves work]. Creative control is meaningless. The business guys don't want creative control. They want profits. They don't want work.

Bottom Line Translation of Relationship: Significant other doesn't value the relationship as much as chasing a dream. Dreams are overvalued. Reality is worth less. Some people never understand this. Dreams are perfect - soley because they are not reality, which is imperfect. Reality of this dream will be 80+ hour weeks doing everything, stress, etc. At that point, the dream will be meet the reality. It won't be pretty. When she calls you back about her mistake, send her packing.

But don't blithely write it off as her pursuing a dream. Your relationship is worth less to her than an imagined dream. You are better off now - because she doesn't understand what is valuable in life - and you deserve better. Way better. And you don't understand that yet, based on what you wrote. You deserve way better.

[Willie Green]

I seldom agree with Willie, but he as absolutely on the mark here. If you really loved your wife, you'd go to Somoa.

OTOH, maybe the ex never gave Billybob the chance to tag along...
In that case, then the b*tch ain't worth it...
and Billybob needs to learn to vent...
This sappy "if you love her you'll let her go" bullcrap will only give him ulcers in the long run.

[JennysCool]

Actually, I've seen a great many personal traumas aired via Free Republic, and some damned good advice and counsel offered which you likely couldn't find anywhere else.

I can understand your frustration with the "Oprah Culture," but questioning Billybob's decision to inform his (and Felicity's) FReeper friends of their split is just plain mean-spirited. He has a lot of friends on this forum, and I for one think bringing his concerns to them is a proper thing to do. FReepers help and support each other.

[savedbygrace]

http://www.chronwatch.com/site_search.asp?auth=119

This one just isn't posted there yet. He usually posts his latest column to FR 1st.

[Al Simmons]

Hmmmm...Just trolled John's website and noted his Nov 18 column drawing parallels between Klintoon's statements and the "good German defense".

On the 17th of November, however, I had posted the following vanity on FR:

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1523866/posts

Coincidence? Or some "friendly lifting"?

[Churchillspirit]

Your priorities are whacked, dude.

IMHO his wife's priorities are whacked.

[Radix]

I do not know if I have even been in a four star restaurant, but I doubt it. I know that I have never been to Samoa.

I do not see either of those things as something that I really need in this lifetime.

I'm surprised to see this sort of thing posted here, but I hope that you will continue with your terrific essays and posts.

[unlearner]

I have enjoyed and been enlightened by your prior postings. I must admit however, this one diminishes my esteem for you.

I think if these are truly your feelings about your marriage, you do not value marriage greatly or even understand the commitments you have made.

It is certainly possible you were not meant for each other. I do not know your history together. But both of you seem to have a casual disregard for the sanctity of marriage.

[teancumspirit]

To pray is to have faith, to have faith is to live, and Rhonda (my wife) and I beleive in living. Whatever life God grants to us. He is in charge, we just need to learn what he wants to teach us. I thank you for your prayers.

[RobFromGa]

I don't see any theft. This is a fairly obvious parallel to draw re: WW2 War Crimes and the Toons words. I know I thought the same thing when I heard xxx42's speech reported. No need to kick CBB when he is down.

[LucyT]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Ignore all the naysayers who would have you lock her in the basement until she changes her mind.

If someone is determined to leave, who would want him/her to stay.

Prayers for both of you.