51st Way to Leave Your Lover

Special to FreeRepublic ^ | 26 November 2005 | John Armor (Congressman Billybob)

[Congressman Billybob]

My wife, Kemberly, has left. That’s ordinary enough. It happens a few million times a year, assuming that half of all American divorces are the wife’s idea. But this is about the why, not the what, of that decision.

The why is unique, and extraordinary. If I were she, and she were I, I would do the same thing. (Work on it. That sentence is grammatically correct.)

My wife has been offered the job of Head Chef of a new restaurant out of town, to be built and run to her specifications. To that you say, well, some commuter marriages work. Not this time. The restaurant is a few miles outside Pago Pago in American Samoa. And that is 8,000 miles from my home in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

Our situation raises an interesting philosophical question. Would you, should you, leave your husband/wife if the chance of a lifetime – the chance of several lifetimes – came along?

Here’s our story. The Internet recounted its beginning, so it’s appropriate it should recount its end. We began with serendipity, a Newsweek recommendation of my column that brought me together with a lady from Indiana who read it. We end with serendipity, also.

Anyone with skills as a chef, and manager, and caterer, would jump at the opportunity to run a brand-new, four-star restaurant, if such an opening came to his/her attention. A fair number of you are closet chefs. You watch the Food Network. You think maybe you could chuck your humdrum day job and build a satisfying future with a special food product, or a brand-new restaurant. You know who you are. I saw you smile.

But opportunities like that aren’t advertised in the paper. Like much else which appears in the newspapers, things aren’t what they claim. You can rest assured that a help wanted ad that says it offers the “Opportunity of a Lifetime,” doesn’t.

Here’s the story behind this story. Back in June, Kem made a business trip to American Samoa. The population is about 67,000, but of those the ones who come from mainland US or other nations are a smaller group and everyone knows everybody. When anyone new shows up, the residents get to know him/her promptly. It’s the equivalent of waiting for the stage in the American West a century ago.

Anyway, it turns out that a group of businessmen were interested in creating a new, four-star restaurant near Pago Pago. They knew what they wanted, but not who would do it. Enter a talented woman from North Carolina. Everybody invites each other in that group home for dinner. (There ain’t a lot of nighttime entertainment in Samoa.)

So, the folks on the island found out that Kem is a fine cook. They also found out that she knows her way around commercial equipment and management for kitchens, and multiple styles of cooking from many nations. To make a long story short, she had an opportunity to become Head Chef, and partner, with full creative control.

She looked at three possible locations for the restaurant, two for new construction and one a mansion with wrap-around porches overlooking the Pacific. Think of the architecture and environment described in Somerset Maugham’s famous short story, “Rain.” He was living on Samoa when he wrote that.

Kem has not described to me how long it took her to consider this offer that came out of the blue. Maybe she didn’t want to hurt my feelings worse by telling me that her delay was measured in nanoseconds rather than days or weeks. In any event, she returned to North Carolina, and immediately told me the good news (or bad news, depending on your viewpoint).

I understood right away how incredible this opportunity was for her, and why she wanted to accept it. So, instead of getting hysterical, I’ve worked with her on such details as getting a long-term, no-cut contract, and possible copyright issues with the name of the restaurant. So there you have it; probably the most extraordinary reason for the end of a marriage that you’ve ever heard.

Will I miss Kem? You bet. Do I wish her well? Absolutely. Since many readers of my columns are friends of both of us, drop her a line care of my address and I’ll get it to her. And if you’re in Pago Pago in about 14 months, look her up at the club, have “a Thanksgiving dinner that can’t be beat,” and say hello.

About the Author: John Armor is a First Amendment attorney and author who lives in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina. John_Armor@aya.yale.edu

[teancumspirit]

I am 47 and my wife is 42, last year I had a stroke, my wife was by me all the time. Couple of months ago my wife was diagnosed with cancer (stage 3). I will do everything in my power to take care of her for she is my life. No amount of money, or any job would get me to leave her. I have been married along time and know what she means to me. I am sorry you have not found out what love is realy about, because untill you do, everything you do is false. Money, power, possition, and Property do not a heart keep.

[cyborg]

I'll pray for your wife's health.

[Hillarys Gate Cult]

I never said it was bad for islanders. Most outsiders can't adjust.

I forgot to add that living with island politics would have most Freepers pulling their hair out. Some of it makes DUmmies appear moderate.

[surely_you_jest]

A couple of observations, counselor, would seem to be in order.

First, you are too close to this to be dispassionate, and you are at risk of violating Abe Lincoln's axiomatic expression. You know the one.

Second, assessing the actions of one's spouse is much like assessing the actions of politicians - what they say is irrelevant, it is what they do that is indicative.

Third, your marriage is, and has been, over. She noticed first. You're stuck with playing catchup.

Fourth, the expression "amicable divorce" is an oxymoron, uttered only by those who have never been divorced. In the short run, this is going to be painful and unpleasant.

Fifth, in the long run you will be better off.

Sixth, you are not the first man, or attorney, to whom this has happened. They've survived, recovered, and thrived again, in that order, and so will you.

Seventh (donning my flameproof suit for this one), as a man with a decent income, you are going to have far more "offers" than time to take advantage of them. There is no surer, or faster, way to get over a woman than with another one. The world is your oyster; bon apetit!

Eighth, beware the rebound. A corollary to this is, going forward, to have pity on the first woman who gets involved with you, for she will almost certainly get hurt, probably through no fault of her own.

From one who has been there, done all of that, moved on, and ultimately remarried successfully.

[MoJo2001]

Which Samoa are you referring to?? I'm sure you realize there are two Samoas. There's American Samoa where this article concerns and Samoa an independent island country.

When I'm home in American Samoa, we don't eat large quantities of macaroni. Give me some dried fish and poi and I'm good to go.

I wonder if she'll serve that at her restaurant. If not, I won't be frequenting it.

[Salamander]

Viking women threw themselves on their husband's funeral pyres.

I admire loyalty and devotion above ALL other things....:)

[djf]

Would you, should you, leave your husband/wife if the chance of a lifetime – the chance of several lifetimes – came along?


Absolutely not.

Jobs and things come and go.

But kisses and whispers are what life is all about.
Sadly, I have missed mine since the passing of my beloved in 2000.

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

Why end a marriage for a hurdle so trivial...or at the very least, a hurdle sso easily over come?

Put your current abode up for rent, hire a management company to oversee it if you have to...then join her in the endeavor and offer your assistance (mental or physical) in getting the thing started. When the the thing is going or growing, you can return to visit the States. Or if it's dead, you both can move back here with clear conscience knowing you both gave it your best.

[MoJo2001]

Actually, my husband would prefer to live on the Islands. He's one of those palangi's that could manage living there. His Samoan wife cannot. Although, the weather is much better than Virginia.

As for Island politics especially in American Samoa, we're all basically related. So? If there's fighting, you're fighting among family.

The disturbing thing about Guam was something I noticed a day after I arrived there. People could live in the crappiest of homes, but they would have a Lexus. Talk about screwed up priorities. Sheesh!!

By the way, where did you live when you were Guam?? My hubby and I were married in Yigo.

[WV Mountain Mama]

Sorry for your ending, and prayers for your new beginnings.

[jdm]

Quick marriage too. Since September 20, 2001.

[Salamander]

I've been "left" although mine did it to "teach me a lesson in humility".

[he couldn't beat the lesson into me so he tried to starve me out, instead]

The lesson *he* learned was not leave your wife where some big, wonderful biker might find her.

The big wonderful biker had been betrayed before too and he and I are on the same wavelength, loyalty-wise.

"Forever" doesn't include any conditions or qualifiers.

Forever just *is*.

[jdm]

"Are you the one putting your career in North Carolina ahead of the marriage?"

Seems like there was a distance to begin with:

Husband:

Wife:

[GreatOne]

I'm very sorry to hear about this, but I personally would drop everything and move with her. That's your spouse, and while it appears that you've behaved exactly like a loving spouse would in helping her to set up her transition, I can't imagine that there is anything that important here in the U.S. that could worth letting this fantastic person go.

Love equals committment plus sacrifice. If you love her that much (which it appears you do), then go with her. As a fellow attorney, I can understand perfectly well how hard it would be to leave a successful practice, but it sounds like she is going to be doing well enough down there to support you both until you find something to do, and if her operation fails, you can start your practice over. And with the internet, you can still stay abreast of politics and continue to contribue to Free Republic.

IMHO, business success does not make up for coming home to an empty house.

Good luck, John.

[Lockbar]

Unfortunatly, BillyBob, I strongly suspect there is a lot more to this story than you know.

[miele man]

I'm confused.

How can you still be married to your first wife and yet be married to another? Are you a bigamist?

I certainly understand what the Christian vows of marriage mean and that "what God hath joined together, no man can put asunder". Yet you did break those vows and now, since you believe you are still married to your first wife, you are also now committing adultery, aren't you?

This is not a personal attack upon you, but I do hope you will clarify this for me.

[trussell]

Are you a Christian? If so, where in the bible does it give you the right to be judgemental? It says "Just not, lest ye be judged"

It is our duty as Christians to show support to others, not to judge them. Please consider the pain the billybob is feeling, and try being compassionate to that pain.

Blessings
trussell

[Grammy]

John, I am so sorry about this. My answer of course is no.

I quit my career to follow my husband's career, and continued my work in a lesser fashion. It has hurt my career, but so what. We have moved numerous times for his job. While at times it was painful to pull up stakes and start over, it was what I committed to do.... love, honor, follow, all the days of my life.

If I now got an opportunity to do the job of a lifetime, Mr. G would quit his work in a heartbeat and assist me in any and every way. (We have had such an opportunity... that I turned down for my own reasons).

All that said, we would do ANYTHING to stay together, including quitting both our jobs and selling shoes and belts. No job would hold me while I was doing chemo. No job would tell me I am the prettiest woman in the room (even bald). No job will hold my hand just because. After 35 years we are closer than ever, and know what is really important..... each other.

[Firefox1]

I don't know you or your wife at all. But, if something as silly and meaningless as a career choice breaks-up your marriage, you have deeper problems then you are admitting, too.

I would never let work interfere with my personal life on that level. I'm certain my wife holds the same view, as well. This is why we got married. Isn't this why all people get married?

If you love that women, you better go tell her right now before she leaves. Maybe she needs to hear it. If she loves you, a compromise can surely be worked out. Certainly, American Samoa is not the only place in the world that needs a talented chef. If is is, then so what. they can live without her.

Why people throw precious, meaningful, and beautiful relationships away over such nonsense as promotions, affairs, and other sillyness is a mystery I'll just never understand.

Marriages are work....now get to work already! I'm not going to help you in your pitty party.

[jdm]

I'm not being judgmental. I'm simply stating the facts.