Just Whom Is This Divorce 'Good' For?

Washington Post ^ | Sunday, November 6, 2005 | Elizabeth Marquardt

[TBP]

Before the divorce rate began its inexorable rise in the late 1960s, the common wisdom had been that, where children are concerned, divorce itself is a problem. But as it became widespread -- peaking at almost one in two first marriages in the mid-1980s -- popular thinking morphed into a new, adult-friendly idea: It's not the act of divorcing that's the problem, but simply the way that parents handle it.

[Drew68]

Actually, there is no reason to GET MARRIED unless you want to have children. Why is there a need for 2 grown widows to be married???

There are many legal benefits from being married. For example, in some circumstances, only family members can visit someone in the hospital. Another example, in the military, spouses are allowed many perks that "significant others" are not. Then you have issues of taxes, inheritances, and on and on. This is the end result of letting the government take over the marriage business.

Is there any wonder gays want to get married?

[elmer fudd]

Also, I like Dr. Laura's rules.....only 3 reasons for divorce.....ABUSE, ADDICTION (Uncured), and ADULTERY.

I think that's a gross oversimplification. As others have already mentioned abandonment is also a valid reason, but another one I have seen twice now is simply that you are married to a moral reprobate. Someone who habitually steals, cheats, is unkind, refuses to work, etc... These people are often abusive, addicted and adulterous, but not always. They do always manage to either bring everyone down to their level or make everyone around them miserable however.

[meowmeow]

Actually, there is no reason to GET MARRIED unless you want to have children. Why is there a need for 2 grown widows to be married???

What a sick statement. I'd love to see my 60 year old widowed aunt marry again. She is still great looking and somewhat ditzy. A good Christian widower would be a blessing to her. What kind of sick person would deny her love and happiness just because she's past child bearing years? Oh...you I guess.

[timsbella]

"There are many legal benefits from being married."

And it's a shame there aren't more. (Hint - worse in Canada.) My feeling has always been in your partner doesn't take you and your relationship seriously enough to marry you, why should the government and fellow taxpayers?

[wallcrawlr]

catfight...catfight


put your claws away.

[laney]

I am married no children and I have seen so many marriages where there is infidelity, emotional abuse it's ridiculous many marraiges staying together because of COMMITMENT full of lies because 2 people are unhapopy or feel there stuck this is reality, not being pessimistic just looking at the hypocrisy in marraiges.... SAD BUT TRUE.

[Drew68]

In 2002, The Washington Post Magazine featured a cover story about Eli and Debbie, a handsome, smiling, divorced couple with three preteen daughters. Although their marriage was, according to Debbie, "all in all, an incredibly functional" one, they divorced when she became troubled by their "lack of connection."

In other words, he was a perfectly good husband but she aspired for more, buying into a sense of entitlement that "Prince Charming" is always around the corner.

And people wonder why I have looked outside the United States for a spouse.

[pollyannaish]

I think that is good as far as it goes, and I am in no position to judge your relationship with God, so I want to make it clear that these remarks are not aimed at you personally. But they did spur a comment I've been meaning to make.

In our modern society, marriage has been reduced to a personal commitment rather than a community or societal commitment.

When I married, I pledged myself to my husband and he to me for our entire lives. But we did this publicly, in concert with the community, who by accepting our vows, promised to support that union and do all it can to bolster it. If I do something to tear down another's marriage, I am breaking my vows.

That is one of the reasons I refuse to ever join certain women's groups, which become veritable bitching session about one's husband. I will not listen to that. If there is an issue, a woman's first response is to address it with her husband. I am loyal first and foremost to her marriage, and she should be loyal first and foremost to her husband and he to her. Her kvetching will only make the problems worse, and by listening I am contributing to the weakening of her marriage. It has taken me way to much time to understand this.

What we forget is that as a community, we have as much responsibility to help others keep their marriages together (barring gross dysfunction such as abuse, adultery, addiction etc.) as we have to our own. We pledge that for the good of our community, not only today, but in the future. It is a call for us to see our own behavior within the context of society at large, not just to our immediate circle.

I think somewhere along the way, we forgot that marriage is not only not just about us, or our spouse or even our children, but also our neighbors, friends and fellow citizens. Because of that lack of focus, we have damaged marriage to the point that it has become little more than a sexual and financial arrangement, which makes it completely transient and mostly about instant gratification. Consequences be dammed.

So while I agree that you are without a doubt right with God and that is the most fundamental building block, I think all of us need to step back and take a long view of marriage. The trouble we are having now with marriage being challenged by leftist activists is not just an outside attack. It is an outside attack that occurred because their is such weakness in the concept of the role of marriage in our society.

[q_an_a]

there is a great Polish TV series called Decolague. It is 10 one hour stories about the 10 Commandments. They are not one to one i.e. the first is about false Gods or the thrid about honor thy father and mother, but they are about the moral concepts to which your idea - if I am wrong then ...

I got this show via Netflix. They come on three disks. Take your time you will confront more than you idea of "If I am wrong." Because the story mixes how others experience the struggle of morals as they interact with you.

[laney]

Deny??? Deny what? If I was a widow 60 70 year old woman what do I need to be married for? children? financial support?

Jackie Onasis said one statement I agree with..
She first married for LOVE
second she married for money
third she married for Companionship.

You don't need to be married for companionship. And loving another person does not warrant a marraige certificate.

[meowmeow]

LOL!

Before I was married I wouldn't have had an opinion on it. Now I get choked up when I hear about a total stranger losing a spouse. It's a good life even if it's it not always an easy one.

[HamiltonJay]

Unless there is abuse, REAL ABUSE... divorce, while you have kids in the home, is not justified. The impact divorce has on kids is inalienable and undeniable.

And frankly, with the soul exception of true abuse, it is nothing more than selfishness, by one or both adults.

[Fido969]

Marriage is about obligation and responsibility. Not what you hear from the liberal crowd, that think that marriage should be terminated when it just isn't fun anymore.

And the lefties promoting gay marriage think marriage is about access to government programs and corporate benefits, additional rights, and more things to sue over.

Grow up liberals, get your head out of your butt and start acting like adults.

Well, yes, that would never happen, but the problem is the self-centered entitlement "me generation". It's disgusting, and these people have practically taken civilization down by themselves.

[JZelle]

Complete and utter BS!

[Palisades]

My husband and I were married in June, but our church recently held a "covenant marriage" ceremony that we participated in. In the state of AZ, Christians (or anyone, for that matter) can chose to get a covenant marriage license that makes it much more difficult to get a divorce.

Covenant marriages seem like an okaty idea, but in actuality they don't mean much, legally speaking. Either of you could circumvent the rules by moving to another state and asking for a divorce under that state's laws.

[wallcrawlr]

hypocrisy in marriages

Hypocrisy in "people" not "marriage".

I know (hope) thats what you meant.

[Palisades]

The public purpose is that it channels sexuality in a positive way. It helps prevent fornication/adultery and the transmission of disease.

How so? If people want to cheat, they're going to cheat. Marriage doesn't change that.

[laney]

I agree with what you say I really do, bUt reality does not show this, MY mother who I think is ONE INTELLIGENT WOMAN has told me stories after stories about women in the 40's and 50's who were married and put up with so much heartache, physical abuse, emotional abuse, alcoholic husbands, father's molesting there own biological daughters and the women stayed, could do NOTHING because they could not support themselves nor there children.

It happened it was just swept under the rug and you never told anyone...

THis is reality, 2 people need to be married because they have the same Values, the same principles..

[wallcrawlr]

Abuse is subjective and people are different and can handle different amounts of varying discomforts.

Its a broad scale from pet peeves to physical abuse...

I agree...there is alot of selfishness.

[joylyn]

My brother and his ex-wife remained cordial and it was a good situation for their daughter. Friends is a relative term, I guess. They certainly didn't get along when they were married -- and they were married (and divorced) twice! To his ex-s credit, she remained in the same town and didn't remarry until their daughter was almost ready to graduate from high school -- didn't want to bring a step-father into the house.