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An English Lesson

Posted on 08/11/2005 3:49:11 PM PDT by SandRat

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people:

Recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS: Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?


TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: english; englishlanguage; hard; humor; learn; reasons; why
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We've been too serious today so thought a little lite break was needed
1 posted on 08/11/2005 3:49:11 PM PDT by SandRat
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To: 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub; Kathy in Alaska; Fawnn; HiJinx; Radix; Spotsy; Diva Betsy Ross; ...

Thought we needed a little bit of rib tickling after all the news today.


2 posted on 08/11/2005 3:50:20 PM PDT by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
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To: SandRat

Can you rough a trough through a bough, though?


3 posted on 08/11/2005 3:51:03 PM PDT by supercat (Sorry--this tag line is out of order.)
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To: SandRat
(6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert, but received his just deserts when he found he was hungry later.
4 posted on 08/11/2005 3:51:36 PM PDT by Tax-chick (Liberals: Too stupid to realize Dick Cheney is the real Dark Lord.)
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To: SandRat

It all makes perfect scents to me.


5 posted on 08/11/2005 3:51:52 PM PDT by Billthedrill
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To: kjenerette

...required reading for the children. Make sure they read this after you have read it.


6 posted on 08/11/2005 3:52:43 PM PDT by Van Jenerette (U.S. Army 1967-1991 Infantry OCS Hall of Fame, Ft. Benning)
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To: SandRat

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?


7 posted on 08/11/2005 3:53:01 PM PDT by Redcitizen (This line intentionally left blank)
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To: SandRat

hey raton de sand, jew donhav to makfun wit englis, sundee Latinos wil espeek in all America - espanissh.


8 posted on 08/11/2005 3:54:19 PM PDT by TomasUSMC (FIGHT LIKE WW2, FINISH LIKE WW2. FIGHT LIKE NAM, FINISH LIKE NAM.)
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To: SandRat
I fired a shot across his bow with my bow.

I lead the miners into the lead mine.

I dove after the dove.
9 posted on 08/11/2005 3:54:47 PM PDT by andyk (Go Matt Kenseth!)
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To: SandRat

Why do we park in the driveway and drive on the parkway?


10 posted on 08/11/2005 3:55:29 PM PDT by Bob
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To: andyk

Oops, the dove was a duplicate (almost).


11 posted on 08/11/2005 3:55:30 PM PDT by andyk (Go Matt Kenseth!)
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To: Tax-chick

Especially if his arms fall into the wrong hands.


12 posted on 08/11/2005 3:55:49 PM PDT by Borges
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To: SandRat
The universal language should be braille. It's easy. Everyone should speak in braille.

.: : . :.. ..:.:..:
13 posted on 08/11/2005 3:57:59 PM PDT by Jaysun (Democrats: We must become more effective at fooling people.)
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To: Borges

Oh, excellent point.


14 posted on 08/11/2005 3:58:02 PM PDT by Tax-chick (Liberals: Too stupid to realize Dick Cheney is the real Dark Lord.)
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To: SandRat
Warning to Freepers well into their fifth vodka sour of the evening, which came out of a fifth by the way:

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO READ THIS POST!

(Also, did you know that where any four Irishmen are gathered, you can probably find a fifth?)

15 posted on 08/11/2005 3:58:18 PM PDT by yooper (If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there......)
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To: SandRat

Reminds me of that thin line between man's laughter and manslaughter. Or the executive who oversees overseas operations.


16 posted on 08/11/2005 3:58:57 PM PDT by speedy
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To: SandRat

Bump.


17 posted on 08/11/2005 3:59:24 PM PDT by TBP
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To: Borges

Maybe he should try his hand at singing.


18 posted on 08/11/2005 3:59:40 PM PDT by speedy
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To: yooper

ThaT dont make no..*hic**..cents...


19 posted on 08/11/2005 4:00:53 PM PDT by Windsong (FighterPilot)
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To: SandRat

"If you call an orange an orange, why don't you call a banana a yellow?" Jim from Taxi.


20 posted on 08/11/2005 4:01:11 PM PDT by Originalist (Clarence Thomas for Chief Justice!!)
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