Posted on 04/27/2005 1:15:04 PM PDT by fight_truth_decay
LAS VEGAS – Pop diva Elton John, never at a loss for feuds, launched a new one yesterday. Sir Elton’s target this time is The Sun, a British tabloid, which enraged the mercurial star by reporting that Sir Elton and partner David Furnish have to get married because Furnish has gotten an unnamed Canadian pop star pregnant, "and the baby needs a father." “Bullocks! Utter twaddle! Steaming horse droppings!” thundered Sir Elton by cell phone from an undisclosed jewelry store in Las Vegas. “I’ll sue those bastards for everything they’ve got. By the time I’m through with them, they’ll be living on pork scratchings.
“Sure, David and I are apart a lot, but there’s no way he would ever look to a woman, let alone some Canadian bacon, for affection. The very notion is insulting. It's unnatural.”
The Sun, nevertheless, is sticking by its story.
“Dame Elton’s just got his knickers in a twist because Camilla’s the official queen of England,” laughed The Sun’s lifestyle editor Peregrine Clive. “He’s so B-list these days he couldn’t even make Michael Jackson’s character witness brigade, and that was five hundred names strong and had fifteen dead people on it.”
Sir Elton, 58, once known for his telling music, is mostly known currently for telling people off. During the last few turbulent years he has stuck a forked tongue into Robbie Williams, Rod Stewart, George Michael, Boy George, George Clooney, Madonna, Cher, Bono, John Blair, Prince Charles, Prince, and Michael Jackson.
Says ex-manager and ex-lover John Reid, with whom Sir Elton has also feuded, “The old poufter certainly has anger management issues. He’s a serial feuder. That’s why he needs to shop so much. It’s his way of relaxing.”
Sir Elton’s intention to marry Furnish, 42, whom Sir Elton calls “my trophy husband,” was announced in The Times of London’s engagement section last weekend. According to the announcement, Sir Elton and Furnish want to be the first gay couple to marry in England after the laws recognizing homosexual civil partnerships come into effect on December 5. Sir Elton threatened to start a jihad, which he termed as "far more frightening than a feud, honey," with any couple that dares to wed before him. According to Sir Elton, the wedding would be held in Windsor, west of London, where Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall were married earlier this month.
Nevertheless Sir Elton's spokesman, Gary Furrow, with whom the diva is not presently feuding, told BBC yesterday that the nuptials may be postponed until 2006.
"A date and a venue have not been set, so it may not be until next year," said Furrow. He allowed that one of the couple's primary reasons for formalizing their union is to enjoy financial benefits such as tax breaks awarded to married couples.
In related news, a spokesman for the state of South Carolina announced that even if Sir Elton John and David Furnish marry, they may not legally occupy the same hotel room.
Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Him.
..not to be confused with the Democratic voter list...
Sir Elton John. Every time I hear him called that it reminds me of how low England has sunk.
If falling in love with a woman, marrying her, having kids, and making a happy life with my family is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Whatta maroon. Classic case of a washed up pop star believing his own press releases.
What is it called when two gay men have sex?
Makin' poopie.
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His new Peach Tree Road CD is pretty good..
Elton is a legendary twad.
I wish they could have rephrased that!
They forgot Macaulay Culkin and Bubbles the Wonder Chimp.
The Diva is too predictable, which is the only "natural" thing about him.
I enjoyed the Dan Rather story. (I'd questions its total accuracy, but I guess for the story, it was probably more effective having his claim to fame be that orgasm during a hurricane; that was at least honest reporting. Howevr, his reporting of Dallas school children reaction to the Kennedy assassination is what gained his national attention from the powers-that-be who put him where he was. [My sources will neither confirm nor deny whether or not he was fully clothed when he filed that report.])
48% of Britons want Camilla Parker Bowles to be Queen. But 52% of Britons want Elton John to be Queen...
Why are Elton and John feuding? Did Elton start it, or was it John? Or is it a schizophrenic rock-star feuding with himself?
Is Elton John really important to anyone but himself?
Did Elton really say those things, especially about his boyfriend wanting a woman as being "unnatural?" This stuff is too good to make up, you couldn't write a comedy skit this good. And they call him a "pop diva" and "dame." Wouldn't the gay men in the US say that's offensive, referring to him as a diva and dame? Man, you got Michael Jackson and Elton and all I can think of is that these weirdos remind me of liberals who oppose Bush, conservatives and Republicans and it's no wonder they get trounced on Election Day. I laugh at these weirdos, maybe I shouldn't laugh but be sickened, however, I can't help but be entertained by them.
That song is on my short list for two of the most inane lines ever:
"If I was a sculptor, but then again, no"
WTF? Then again, NO? Didn't you proofread this song before you published it?
"You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue"
The things you do are green or blue?? WTF does that mean?
Might as well be Jabberwocky, except that was INTENDED to be doggerel, and humorously silly.
Um, everyone realizes this is satire, right? Not that EJ doesn't have a history with the Sun *and* with telling people off...
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