Posted on 04/24/2005 6:35:03 PM PDT by TheWriterTX
The last emotion I expected to feel was fear. Yet, there it was, a niggling sensation cinching the pit of my stomach, so dramatically different from my other pregnancies.
I have a good reason to be afraid.
During the several long, and often painful, years that my husband and I attempted to conceive a child, I became accustomed to hiding my grief. When pregnancy tests came back negative, I would slap on a brave face for the world and muffle my sobs into towels behind a locked bathroom door. I can still recall, with bitter clarity, the conflicting tests results – pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant – only to learn that my hostile womb did not accept a fertilized egg. That gentle glow of life had flickered out, allowing me to catch just the briefest glance of its dimming light.
I didn't understand it. My husband and I shared a loving, committed, and stable relationship. We were financially secure and owned a comfortable home. We tried, in all ways, to live by the golden rules. We had so much love in our hearts; a baby would only enhance our joy. We were prepared to make all the sacrifices, to put our children first, to protect, to nurture, to cherish. With each passing month, I grew more despondent, felt more worthless, and saw myself as less than whole.
I placed the matter into God's hands, knowing that He alone created life. Please, Lord, I prayed, show me the way You want me to go. Adopt? Wait? Be a mother to another? I prayed to accept His decision with grace, with a glad heart.
To our supreme delight, He blessed us with a beautiful boy, born just 40 weeks later.
Before the year was out, I was pregnant again. This time, I was carrying a girl. At 32 weeks, I hemorrhaged. I can still remember my husband's strength on that day, his firm assurances despite the blanching of his face, and how his hands seemed to effortlessly guide me from a dark and horrifying place.
Twelve days later, our beloved girl was home. The days of tubes and needles and beeping machines were over. The days of staggering medical bills had begun. But all of it was worth it, worth it a hundred times over, for the delight of my daughter's voice, the gentle lilt of her laughter, the wonderful smell of her soft skin.
In the two and a half years that have passed, many things have changed. My babies are riding bikes without training wheels, coloring and drawing, saying grace at mealtimes, and playing with friends. We're still struggling to pay off the debt, my endometriosis returned, and my pap-smears have come back with pre-cancer cells. After surgery and a menstrual cycle as frequent and erratic as buck shot fired into a calendar, we believed our days of little feet were over.
But God had other things in mind.
This I know: I am at a very high risk to lose my baby. I am a cancer risk. I am nearing 40, and there is every likelihood my baby will be perilously premature. My heart rate plummeted dangerously during my daughter's c-section and the recovery was terribly slow. By the grace of God, alone, we both pulled through.
I'm afraid that this little one will never know my arms, afraid that he or she won't survive to feel my touch, afraid that I won't survive to touch them.
This I also know: On the day I married, I vowed to accept children lovingly from God. A little soul is already nestled inside me, attached to me forever. God gave me this baby for a reason, and fear will not prevent me from doing everything I can, everything I must, to see it born.
Even if it means my life.
Linda Prussen-Razzano is frequent contributor to Enter Stage Right and a number of other online magazines.
Prayers up for you and yours.
Matt 18:20
Prayers for you and your enitre family.
Praying for you and your little one.
For many years, we were trying to become pregnant. After two successful pregnancies, my OB was not optomistic about our ability to have any more children. We discussed options, in case we wanted to prevent any future pregnancies, given my health considerations.
Unfortunately for me, I have a severe allergic reaction to any spermicides, so that prevents the use of condoms, jells, creams, etc. Historically low blood pressure made birth-control pills a bad idea. A diaphragm would not work well with my endometriosis. And since we were absorbing and paying thousands of dollars in medical bills, we simply didn't have the resources two years ago to have my husband undergo a vasectomy.
Thankfully, our financial situation is much brighter now; we've paid down a huge hunk of the debt. Hubby was going to go for the vasectomy when, surprise, the Lord blessed us again! I'm frightened, but excited. Who knows what greatness this child might achieve? Who knows what comfort they may bring me? Who knows how loving or confrontational they may be, what trials and tests they will put me through? I pray I will be here for all of it, every wonderful, maddening moment of it.
And so we are accepting His wisdom, embracing His will. In the end, I want to know I did what God wants, what He has asked of me.
Should this little one make it, I will probably ask to have my tubes tied during the c-section. I will need to consult with my Priest, first, though, and do some heavy praying, before making this decision. I don't want to leave my babies and beloved husband behind, either, believe me, but I also want to go to my Creator knowing I served His will faithfully.
We come before You, honoring You, the Lord God Almighty, the very Creator of life. You have known this wee one from the very first. We seek Your protection and loving care over this, one of Your newest children. We pray for health for the loving mother, willing to sacrifice so much. Bless her with peace and a calm spirit. Guide her physicians that they may know how best to care for both mother and babe. Watch over the father and other children, keeping them under the shadow of Your wing. In the name of Jesus. Amen.
That would probably be a good idea regardless of what any priest might say. It is your life at risk not his.
As one that has been through it and fortunate enough that both mother and baby survived, but the doctor thought it best not to tempt fate. We accepted our gift from God and chose to not press our luck. We felt it would be very selfish to try for more nad leave the children motherless.
You are all in my prayers. May God bless you all.
prayer bump
You can never overuse our prayer ping list, imo.
Prayers lifted....
Thank you.
NO, you did NOT lose your little one. God ALWAYS knew where he was. We ALL have our days 'numbered'....born or UNborn.
Your newest baby-to-be, has MANY Scriptures that you can wrap him in, that you can INSIST upon. Scriptures that God gave to YOU, to meditate upon. Scriptures that YOUR Daddy gave you, that are His Promises to YOU.
DON'T listen to 'issues'. Don't listen to what's happened in the past. Don't listen to what *you* can/must do. REALLY SCARY OF ALL.... don't listen to what the world/doctors/friends/family tells you.
You FIND that Scripture that the Spirit points out to you...you meditate(think, think, think) on it....and if anything/anyone goes against that Scripture, you REBUKE it. ( I'll tell ya, it's NOT easy, people will think you've 'gone over the edge')
The Scriptures are 'love notes' from your Daddy, He's telling you WHAT to believe, WHAT to expect from Him, WHAT to 'DEMAND' of Him............A Promise is a Promise is a Promise. HE NEVER CHANGES.
BUMPING your post!!!!!!!
Prayers up for you my dear. I remember well the pregnancy and the celebration during the days of Chinagate. I will keep you and yours in my prayers until it is over and all are safe, well and back home.
Please, if you have a ping list could/would you put me on it?
Ladies heads up. A FRiend in need here.
My hopes and prayers go to you and your newest, and to the rest of your family, too. G-d bless!
Prayers on the way from Fresno for you and your family.
Please Father, protect this little one and bless the family while you ease their fears. We ask this in Jesus' Name. Amen.
Thanks for the ping, B-G.
Prayers going up!
Prayers for you and your baby.
Prayers have been sent. May God send you a healthy baby.
Prayed.
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