How to Make Sushi [Dave Barry]

Maimi Herald ^ | Nov. 29, 1998 | DAVE BARRY

[nuconvert]

How to make sushi

BY DAVE BARRY

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Nov. 29, 1998.)

Today's culinary topic is: How to make sushi. I happen to be an expert on this topic because I recently put in a stint as a chef at an actual sushi restaurant. (One of the first things you learn, as a sushi chef, is how to put in a stint.)

Before I give you the details, I should explain, for the benefit of those of you who live in remote wilderness regions such as Iowa, what sushi is. Basically, it is a type of cuisine developed by the Japanese as part of an ancient tradition of seeing what is the scariest thing they can get you to eat raw.

The way they do this is, they start out by serving you a nice, non-threatening piece of fish, from which all the identifying fish parts have been removed. This fish is safe to eat and tasty. But the trick is that it's served with a green condiment called ''wasabi,'' which is the Japanese word for ''nuclear horseradish.'' This is an extremely spicy substance, the formula for which must never be allowed to fall into the hands of Saddam Hussein. If you put more than two wasabi molecules on your sushi and eat it, your hair will burst into flames.

So after consuming some wasabi, you naturally order a cool, refreshing Japanese beer to pour on your head and perhaps, since you have the bottle in your hand anyway, wet your whistle with. The result is that your judgment becomes impaired, which is when they start trying to get you to eat prank food, such as sea-urchin eggs.

Sea urchins are vicious, golf-ball shaped, poison-spined sea creatures whose sole ecological purpose is to ruin your tropical vacation by deliberately not getting out of your way when you are wading barefoot. If you eat the eggs of this animal, and fail to chew them thoroughly, you could develop an alarming medical condition that doctors call ``baby sea urchins walking around inside your body poking holes in your spleen.''

Other prank foods that they will try to get you to eat at sushi bars include eels, clam parts, jellyfish, tentacles with flagrant suckers, and shrimps with their eyeballs still waving around on stalks. If you eat those, the waiter will become brazen and start bringing out chunks of coral and live electric eels.

My point is that, in a sushi restaurant, you must watch carefully what you eat. (This is exactly what ''The Star-Spangled Banner'' is referring to when it says, ''o'er the clam parts we watched.'' )

Despite this, I happen to be a big fan of non-prank sushi. And so when Bok An, the proprietor of Sakura, my local sushi restaurant in Coral Gables, Fla., invited me to be a guest sushi chef, I enthusiastically answered: ''No!'' I was afraid that I'd have to touch an eel. I am 51 years old, and I did not get this far by touching eels. But Bok assured me that we would stick to basic fish species such as tuna, salmon and cucumber.

And thus I found myself one Tuesday night, wearing a samurai-style headband and standing behind the sushi bar, blending in perfectly with the other sushi chefs, except that my headband was actually the belt of my bathrobe. Bok stood next to me and prepared various sushi items, and I attempted to imitate him.

Here's the recipe: You start with a little rectangle made of dried seaweed (I asked Bok where the seaweed comes from, thinking he would name some ancient Japanese seaside village, and he said, ``a distributor''). Then you pick up a glob of special sticky rice and spread it evenly on the seaweed. At least Bok did. The majority of my rice remained firmly stuck to my hands and started migrating to other parts of my body. I may have to have it removed surgically.

Next, you cut up your ingredients, using a lethal-looking, extremely sharp sushi knife that causes professional sushi chefs to become very nervous when it is being wielded by a professional humor columnist. Then you put these ingredients on the rice and execute the secret sushi-rolling technique, which is difficult to describe in English words, as we can see by this actual transcript of Bok explaining it to me: ``OK, you go like this, Boom! Then you go, Boom! Boom! Boom!''

The thing was, when Bok went boom, he produced this attractive, appetizing cylinder of sushi. Whereas when I went boom, I produced this mutant food unit leaking random seafood parts. I also had a problem with my sizing: Sushi rolls are supposed to be small, bite-size morsels; mine were more along the lines of seaweed-covered hams. But I kept trying.

Remember the movie ''Karate Kid,'' where the mean bully beats up Ralph Macchio, but then Ralph studies karate under Mr. Miyagi, and then finally, in the big tournament, with everybody watching, Ralph stuns the bully by rolling a reasonably tight cucumber roll? Well, that's what I did. In fact, I may have a knack for it.

So if one day you walk into a Japanese restaurant, and you see, standing behind the sushi bar, what appears to be a man-size blob of rice wearing a blue bathrobe belt on its head, feel free to say hi. But keep your distance if I'm holding a knife.

[river rat]

Unless I am mistaken --- you have Fugu on the brown plate - at high center of your picture...

Had it served to me once -- in Nagoya.
We were told it was the same restaurant where a famous Japanese actor committed suicide in front of his friends by intentionally eating the most deadly portion of the fish..which he ordered to be brought from the kitchen.

The "safe" pieces of Fugu had absolutely no taste - in my opinion...
I believe it to be a "status" or "impression" dish, more than anything else...

In Japan, the very best Sushi is to be found in the small, popular neighborhood Sushi Restaurants..... They rely on return business from the neighborhood residents -- and they are more comfortable, friendly and appreciative of your business.

One of the MOST delicious and surprising meals I discovered- was Unagi Donbori. Barbecued ell with a delicious unique sauce, served over a bowel of rice. Here again, the best to be found was in a small neighborhood restaurant in a small town near Nagoya.

Even after nearly 50 business trips to Japan - I never tired of the wonderful and vast selection of food. It is one country in the world - that I felt perfectly safe in eating whatever was placed in front of me - or found being sold on the street...

Semper Fi

[Noumenon]

Many years ago, I went o na first date with a woman who had never bee nt oa sushi bar. She was willing to try it, though - give her that.

So we sit down at the bar, and the chef puts in front of us the customary wodden platter with a blob of gari (pickled ginger) and a healthy serving of wasabi. Before I could stop her, my date picks up the little mound of wasabi and pops it into her mouth, thinking that it was some kind of appetizer.

Serious wrong move.

Needless to say, that was our first and last date together.

[Noumenon]

There is no such thing as "too much wasabi". My wife and I dump it on so that you can feel your scalp shrink as it hits.

Amen, bro, and roger that.

[G.Mason]

"You sound like my husband.............."

You and my wife must have much in common, not the least of which is patience and great love. ;)

My regards to you both.

[G.Mason]

"If one more person tells me that "it tastes so good" I am going to scream ... "

I'm with you on that, and I love fish! The cooked kind. ;)

[Ditter]

Eeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkaaaaa! See, there you went and done it! Now my dogs are scared of me! ;9)

[G.Mason]

"Yup, that's how I feel about raw clams and oysters, too.....bait."

For sure. Oysters won't stay on the hook, but they do make a good chum. The kind for fishing I meant. ;)

[torchthemummy]

Dave Barry is hilarious. I am just finishing his book, "Dave Barry Slept Here - A Sort Of History Of The United States". As one review says (LA Times - well a broken clock is right twice a day): "The better you know the original, the funnier it gets."

Two of the running gags are replacing every date with "October 8", his son's birthday, and peppering lengthier "male achievments" passages with a variation on the single line, "...and women and minorities were making many important contributions" then moving on to another male achievement.

His best in my opinion. Hilarious.

[AmishDude]

Dave Barry Slept Here is without a doubt his funniest book. Possibly the funniest book I've ever read. His second-best book IMHO is the travel guide.

[torchthemummy]

Agreed.

[TheBattman]

Sushi is a rice roll that often (but not always) contains some form of fish or shellfish - can be cooked or raw.

Sashimi is pretty much the same fish or shellfish, but without the rice.

I happen to enjoy many varieties of Sashimi and Sushi.

[AmishDude]

Welcome to the club.

[ExSoldier]

Yesterday's BAIT is today's PLATE!

[ExSoldier]

Ummmm I don't think you guys are correct. You can have Sushi rolls that are essentially fish or veggies wrapped in rice and secured with seaweed, but more classic sushi is raw fish cut into strips and laid upon rectangular strips of white rice. These are grasped by the chopsticks and dunked into the soy sauce before consumption. If you are clever and discerning, you will take small chunks of the nuclear green mustard and mix it with the soy sauce before dunking said sushi and it will either delight or FRY your taste buds, in either case the sensations will be unique. I can usually put away between 20-30 such pieces at my local all-you-can-eat Japanese establishment at a nominal cost of about $16.00, including Miso Soup and a coke or Japanese beer. Not bad.

Sashimi OTOH is simply the raw fish and soy sauce with Wasabi mustard sans any rice. I think the rice makes the dish by soaking up the soy/wasabi combo.

[ExSoldier]

And so when Bok An, the proprietor of Sakura, my local sushi restaurant in Coral Gables, Fla., invited me to be a guest sushi chef, I enthusiastically answered: ''No!'' I was afraid that I'd have to touch an eel. I am 51 years old, and I did not get this far by touching eels. But Bok assured me that we would stick to basic fish species such as tuna, salmon and cucumber.

I live in Coral Gables and IMHO, TAISHO is a far superior sushi restaurant to Sakura! Miako is very good as well, but more expensive for less food.

[Larry Lucido]

You just don't appreciate other cultures.

Good, neither do I.

[epow]

I never understood why someone would take good bait and eat it raw, when all they would have to do is put some on a hook and catch a perfectly good food fish, broil it, bake it, or fry it and have a feast

I don't understand that either. You could put one of those little sushi rolls on a 3/0 hook, drop it down over a grouper hole in the Gulf of Mexico and snag a 10 pound black grouper. But the Japanese would rather eat that one little hunk of raw bait than the 10 lb grouper, dredged in cornmeal and deep fried crispy brown like God intended fish to be eaten.

I guess that's what makes those inscrutable orientals so inscrutable.

[fight_truth_decay]

Thats what I said..sushi is raw fish and wrapped in some kind of vegetation or rice and shashimi is just the raw fish..which I dip in soy sauce and wasabi. Fresh water eel and yellow fin tuna my first choice. Good anyway!! Had it in Maui everyday.

[MarkL]

Before I give you the details, I should explain, for the benefit of those of you who live in remote wilderness regions such as Iowa, what sushi is. Basically, it is a type of cuisine developed by the Japanese as part of an ancient tradition of seeing what is the scariest thing they can get you to eat raw.

Here in Kansas City, we're modern and urban enough to know what sushi is... That's the japanese word for "BAIT."

Mark

[MarkL]

I realize that this is strictly a "cultural thing," but I happen to believe that the American culture is superior... Especially when it comes to food. I mean, for goodness sake, a lot of what they normally eat seems to come up on "Fear Factor!"

I realize that they eat all sorts of things that we might call "exotic," all over the world, but give me a big hunk of charred, dead cow flesh, over cold, quivering amphibians any day!

Seriously, sometimes when I watch "Iron Chef," I get the feeling that the food they eat was actually a carry-over from WWII, in order to keep US troops from invading ("Sure, you are welcome here, American GI. Why don't you try this delicious pickeled eel to start off your dinner!"). To paraphrase a line from the movie, "So I married an Axe Murderer," "Most of what they serve sounds like it comes from losing a bet!"

Mark