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Posted on 04/11/2005 7:30:08 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross
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LMAO!!!!!!
Thanks for stopping by!
1811 1st US colonists on Pacific coast arrive at Cape Disappointment WA
That's lovely Mrs. N!
No Joke chicken fried steaks with Tonk!
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pi$$ed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance before Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a b!tc# to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b!tc# is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b!tc# is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b!tc# is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is falling! '"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh--! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
A woman wakes up at three in the morning to find her husband gone from the bed. She looks around the darkened and silent house only to find him sitting in the darkened kitchen gazing into a half filled, lukewarm cup of coffee.
"Honey, What's wrong?" she asks.
He replies, "Do you remember that night when your father caught us in the back seat of my Impala?"
"yes, I do"
"And do you remember when your father said that if I didn't marry you that he would see to it that I would go to jail for twenty years"
"yes dear, but that was a long time ago. What is bothering you now?"
"I would have got out today"
When I was a kid there were only 3 TV stations and we couldn't see 1 of them on our black and white TV. I used to play outside from sun up till sundown. Learned to swim in a creek. I have fallen asleep in a tree. Rode my bike to town to get a loaf of bread at the Jitney Jungle. Picked cotton and tomatoes for spending money. 5 RC bottle caps would get you into the Saturday Matinee. I raised a pig! Had a dog that never left my side. I've caught wild rabbits with my hands. Missed the school bus as often as possible so I could ride my bike to school.
Then in third grade we moved to the city. Yuck!
And I am only 51.
30 things you will never hear a southern boy say...
30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling's fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a dang who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: drive.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate.
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND NUMBER ONE....
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving.
Thank you!
How are you this morning?
Ha Ha!!
She was trapped for three hours on an escalator.
Hear about her?! That was my wife. Incidently, she brought the escalator home with her. (She'll buy anything marked down!)
And you're very welcome!
I'm getting so addicted to the canteen, I can never leave the thread. LOL!
Where do you get these graphics? They are great! I have to save some, Ok? I won't use them on FR but they are such fun to send. :)
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