Freeper Canteen: Tell me your favorite joke! Come join us. April 12,2005

Canteen funny guys

[Diva Betsy Ross]

For the freedom you enjoyed yesterday... Thank the Veterans who served in The United States Armed Forces. Looking forward to tomorrow's freedom? Support The United States Armed Forces Today! You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business Here is the big question of the day: What is your favorite joke? (please keep it family friendly!) Come into the Canteen and tell us all about it!~ Links below! Wanna surf the internet with me? I hope that you will find some fun,enlightenment and inspiration within these links. If you are really cool you will follow each one! I hope everyone has a great week. And of course thanks and love goes out to the troops. You guys and gals rock! Thank you-Thank you 100 thousand times! Find Out If You Are a Road Geek Here **** Slogan Generator Here **** A Very Funny WebSite Here **** Experiments for Hostess Twinkies **** USO Public Service Announcement **** Are we having fun yet?? Hope so! Support Our Troops Rally Ohio **** Motorcycle News **** Some Income is TAX FREE for Troops! **** Free Video Conferencing online for Troops **** Movies Released April 2005 **** Faith Flashes-A Tribute to our Troops **** Tribute to Our Troops **** Looking for a special card to send a special American hero? LOOK HERE! "Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need. Amen." AWESOME TRIBUTE AND PRAYER WHEEL FOR OUR TROOPS AND THEIR FAMILIES HERE (Make sure to look at the second page)

[Kathy in Alaska]

Welcome to the Canteen, edfrank_1998, and thanks for sharing your joke.

[Kathy in Alaska]

Good night. Thanks for sharing. Only 10pm here.

[umbagi]

I am so behind I'll never get caught up!

The hurrier I go, the behinder I get!

[Marguerite]

One of my top favorites

A DOG NAMED SEX

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

[Kathy in Alaska]

Thanks, ms feather, for the Canteen Blessing for the Troops.

[Loud Mime]

Religious Joke Warning

Three liberals are arguing about Easter...

One says "Oh, Boy..Easter's coming up. I'm going to get an Easter Tree and put all the Easter presents underneath it....

Another Says "Ted, that's not Easter! Easter is a religious holiday...but it's celebrated only in America. It's when the Indians and the Pilgrims got together and had a great feast...

The third says "Hillary, that's not Easter, for Easter is a religious holiday that's celebrated all over the world. Remember when Christ died on the cross? After his death he was taken from the cross and put in a big hole in the ground; then it was covered with a great rock. On the third day, which is Easter, He rolled the big rock to uncover the hole, stepped outside, didn't see his shadow and went back in for six more weeks."

[Marguerite]

A Priest and a Rabbi

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"

[Kathy in Alaska]

A PRAYER OF PROTECTION

The light of God surround you
The love of God enfold you
The power of God protect you
The presence of God watch over you
Wherever you are, God is,
And all is well.
Amen.

BLESS THIS HOUSE

 Bless this house O Lord we pray; Make it safe by night and day; 
Bless these walls so firm and stout, Keeping want and trouble out:
Bless the roof and chimneys tall, Let thy peace lie over all;
Bless this door, that it may prove ever open to joy and love.
Bless these windows shining bright, Letting in God's heav'nly light;
Bless the hearth a'blazing there, with smoke ascending like a prayer;
Bless the folk who dwell within, keep them pure and free from sin;
Bless us all that we may be Fit O Lord to dwell with thee;
Bless us all that one day we May dwell O Lord with thee. 

(Click on graphics for music)

[Kathy in Alaska]

Welcome to the Canteen, perfect stranger.

[radu]

Good morning y'all!

To all our military men and women past and present, military family members, and to our allies who stand beside us
Thank You!

Hmmmmmm, can't get to my "closet" for the graphics I use. :-(
Maybe their version of a practical joke? LOL!

[2111USMC]

O-K, one last one I dug out of my old e-mails before I sign off:


Francisco Logic (A scene at City Hall in San Francisco)

"Next." Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

""Names?" "Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones: Are you related? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers: You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other.
Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've
been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you
can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I
have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a
woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us
just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert,
Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June
and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can
express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that
it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples.
The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the
constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a
marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to
marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"

[granite]

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He
gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest,
biker
in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in
the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still
says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks
him square in the eyes and says "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk

[radu]

I've had to be careful not to let Hubby see these. Knowing him, he'd put some of them to practice.
Actually, I've been a bit tempted to try some of these. *snicker*

---

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their
sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when
they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3
in housewares" .. and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask

'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick
your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK
ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And; last, but not least ...

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and,
then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[Kathy in Alaska]

Welcome to the Canteen, Richard Kimball, and thanks for the jokes. I like the juggler, and the chicken sedan is a groaner.

[Kathy in Alaska]

G'day, Kiwi. Thanks for the joke.

[granite]

Subject: World's Thinnest Books


FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac


MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden



THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman


AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian


ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
b y Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

[Kathy in Alaska]

Welcome to the Canteen, Clintonfatigued.

[Kathy in Alaska]

Hi Dubya....thanks for the joke.

[Kathy in Alaska]

Beautiful flowers today. Thanks men in the Military and the Canteen.

[Kathy in Alaska]

Good evening, doug. LOL!