Posted on 03/06/2005 8:52:39 AM PST by nuconvert
The male perspective on (ugh) commitment
BY DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Aug. 25, 1991.)
Today, in our continuing series on How Guys Think, we address the painful issue of: Why Guys Won't Make Commitments.
The fundamental question is: How can a guy say he's ''not ready'' to make a permanent commitment to a woman with whom he is obviously compatible; a woman with whom he has been intimate for years; a woman who once drove HIS dog to the veterinarian in HER new car when it (the dog) started regurgitating violently after eating an entire birthday cake, including candles, that SHE made from scratch for HIM (the guy), the result being that her car will smell like a stadium restroom for the next five years, at the end of which this guy will probably still say he's ''not ready''? And how come the same guy was somehow capable, at age 7, of committing himself to a lifelong, passionate, win-or-lose relationship with the Kansas City Royals, who have never so much as sent him a card?
I bring this issue up because of a letter I received from a woman named Suzanne, who's in love with a guy named Gary. Recently, after a two-year relationship, Gary told Suzanne that he felt -- this is classic guy thinking -- they should either break up or get married, and naturally, being ''not ready,'' he stopped seeing her. So now Suzanne, according to her letter, is depressed to the point of ``lunging at any chocolate within 20 feet.''
''Dave,'' she writes, 'I don't understand why some men seem to have more access to automatic teller machines than to their own emotions. Gary reads your column, so could you please write a piece about the myth of `hearing bells'; or why guys hate to give up their freedom; or how some guys wouldn't know a good wife if she hit him on the head with her diaphragm.''
Suzanne also asked me to ''hide subliminal messages in the column'' to encourage Gary to make a commitment.
Of course, as a professional journalist, I would never resort to psychological trickery (Gary! Marry Suzanne!). But I do think we need to explore the commitment problem, which has caused many women to mistakenly conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is much more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust; but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of Non-Readiness.
This is natural behavior. (Give her a ring, Gary!) Guys are born with a fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as: The Fear That If You Get Married, Some Single Guy, Somewhere, Will Be Having More Fun Than You. Married guys assume that unmarried guys lead lives of constant excitement involving Jacuzzis full of international fashion models, whereas, for most unmarried guys the climax of the typical evening is watching ''America's Most Alarming Criminals'' while eating onion dip straight from the container. This is also true of married guys, but statistically they are far more likely to be using a spoon.
Single guys rarely achieve this level of domesticity, which is why they are unhappy. I base this statement on my bachelor friend Randall. At one time he and I were bachelors together in an apartment furnished entirely with piles of laundry and a rabbit who drank beer. This was a stimulating period in my life, characterized by a great deal of personal growth and exploration and illegal naked swimming. But eventually I wisely settled down and got married, whereas Randall never did. So I called him to confirm that he is now experiencing a painful void in his life.
''Randall,'' I said. ``There must be a painful void in your life caused by a lack of intimacy and commitment.''
''No there's not,'' said Randall.
(Don't listen to him, Gary!)
Of course, Randall was only making a brave effort to hide his deep-rooted anguish.
''Randall,'' I said. ``There is no need to hide your deep-rooted anguish.''
''What?'' said Randall.
(Men have been getting married for millions of years, Gary! Don't break the chain!)
Randall's pathetic self-delusion is typical of noncommitted guys. (Raymond L. Wombert, of Toledo, Ohio, broke the chain, and the next day he was hit by a cement truck!) We can only hope that, as men learn to get more in touch with their feelings, they will overcome this foolish fear of vulnerability and realize the benefits of meaningful commitment. (Suzanne may have already won $10 million in the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes!)
I myself have been married for 2,368 years, and can state without hesitation that every single day has been more exciting and romantic than the one before. (My wife reads this column.)
Yeah, it's a clever analogy; a cute play with words.
We're hampster dancing with the pellets of companionship inside the cage. Yet the entity supplying them is outside; beyond that cage door that is being closed.
You're right, it is very funny.
My opinion a MAN truly needs to be married more than a woman especially if a man has been married to a woman who he feels very sexually attracted to, someone who does his laundry cooks his meals, handles the mundane household tasks and hangs out with him like a "Bud" when that woman is gone those men are usually devastated in a pretty bad way.
WOW..Pretty narley article!
You can't believe that holds true for all women in America...
Why no. My mother is an American woman.
But as for the rest of them...
;-)
Really, this mostly applies to Liberal American women, but even if things go bad with a Republican woman, the American male should expect no mercy.
Well I have been told at points in my life I can be a Man's Greatest Dream and Nightmare at the same time LOL...
People are People and there moods are dependant on what's going on that paticular day..
But I agree some women are more 'High Maintenance" than others
Yes. I argued with Darren Blacksmith about generalizing in his column. But maybe it's more effective and gets more attention to generalize after all. And it's easy enough to understand where he was coming from.
Marriage: Just Say No
Darren Blacksmith
http://mensnewsdaily.com/archive/a-b/blacksmith/03/blacksmith092803.htm
Marriage means no more sampling of the candy! :-)
,,, Gary knew in the back of his mind that something didn't stack up quite right. When pushed to the brink, she retreated and behaved inappropriately with chocolate. Well done Gary!
They think they have to act like guys... dressing like them, cussing like them and acting like they are tough. When you watch American films, you see barbie-chicks karate kicking guys in the face, and many American women truly believe that some karate lessons could enable them to even accomplish this impossible feat. Our popular culture celebrates male-bashing - even television commercials show clever housewives showing up their idiot husbands.
As a conservative, I'm sure that you are not one of these types. The ones I find the most despicable are the vegetarian PETA types. Just look at all the miserable high maintenance single career women in New York City - who on earth would want to spend the rest of their lives with such shrews? They should all settle for lesbian relationships and give us all a break.
,,, you have some idea of what you're competing with now.
All the things you mentioned come bundled into a relationship and don't require the context of a marriage. In fact, the sex and household chores can be purchased as a commodity (at a far less dear monetary/emotional toll than comes at a divorce). The "bud" part is a bit outside that realm, but I can't imagine anyone standing at an alter and listening to:
"Will you take missyme to be your lawfully wedded 'Bud'?"
There's something in human relationships that most people seem to think can only be achieved via marriage (I wish I knew what it was because I've met so many people who feel they can't be complete until they are married). I understand the religious connotation to the ceremony but most people don't really take that seriously. If they did there wouldn't be so many divorces (you don't screw up on the committments you make to the omnipotent - results in a big penalty).
I think it was Simone de Beauvier that said men avoid marriage early in life but desperately seek it late in life; probably based on her experience with Satre and his late-life proposal; I think she also implied that the time scale was flipped for women, wanting marriage early in life and avoiding it late in life - but don't quote me on it).
The problem is many people still do..
(That is sample the candy)!
That's too old-fashioned.
Will you take missyme to be your lawfully wedded 'Bud'?"
That's funny!
I am saying :that if you are a married couple with no children and you have nothing in common with your spouse as "Buds" the relationship will become Stagnant and BORING!
You have to have common interests if you refuse to do the things either your husband or wife would like to do then eventually they will find someone who does...
Would it be possible, in lieu of a prenup which may do little to the settlement, to sign a contract that says a majority of the guest list of the wedding must agree to any divorce settlement?
Maybe that's how it is today in 2005, when my girlfriends were single in there twenty's (40 to 45 now) the men were pretty ruthless the ball was definetly in there court with most women.
Pre-nups are ridiculous...
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.