Posted on 02/22/2005 6:56:50 PM PST by qam1
More than anything, Linda Bigelow wanted to be a mom.
The traditional route -- romance, marriage, pregnancy -- would have been great, but she couldn't manage to grab hold of it.
She dated, "but I realized I wasn't really looking for a husband for me, I was looking for a father for my future children," she says. "I decided that wasn't a good reason to get married."
So at the age of 31, she decided to do motherhood -- solo.
On June 4, 2000, after reams of paperwork and several months of waiting, she and her mother, Jean, collected her new baby girl from an orphanage in Changzhou, in the Jiangsu province of China. She named her Jensen.
Three and a half years later, Jensen joined her mom and grandma on another trek to China. They came home to Grand Rapids as a foursome, having adopted 2-year-old Taryn.
The Bigelows' story isn't unique. Many single women are trying to adopt a child or two nowadays. And China is first on their list.
"China is popular with single women because it's a little less expensive (than other foreign adoptions), and they get to travel there with a group of families," said Mary Zoet, China program manager for Adoption Associates, an adoption agency based in Georgetown Township.
Plus, women want baby girls, Zoet said, and China has lots of them.
They look outside of the U.S. because adopting a baby here as a single mother is almost impossible, Zoet said. Her agency allows birth mothers to select families for their child "and they just never pick single women," she said.
In China, a country with a one-child policy, girls often are abandoned. Sons are favored because they carry on the family name and are responsible for taking care of their parents in old age. Ninety-five percent of the children in orphanages are girls.
"Since last year, the increase in China sign-ups has been huge," both for single people and married couples, Zoet said.
Restriction in place
Single women's attraction to China was so great that, starting in 2002, the China Center of Adoption Affairs put a cap on the number of babies the country would release to them. Only 8 percent of adoptions can go to single people. Married couples are welcome to apply immediately and could have a child within a year.
"China's idea of an ideal family situation for a child is two parents. With a single mom, that's not what a child is getting," Zoet said. "We may not agree, but we have to abide by it."
Because of the limits placed on single parents, a woman could wait as long as two years before she even can submit an application, said Linda Schripsema, program coordinator for China adoptions at Bethany Christian Services in Grand Rapids. Zoet has about 30 single women on a waiting list at Adoption Associates. Getting to the top could take a year. Then they'll spend another 11-plus months filling out forms and waiting for a picture of their baby to arrive in the mail. Because of the delays, some who picked China opt to pursue adoption through another country.
Guatemala, El Salvador and Russia also allow single parents to adopt, but Schripsema said none of the countries encourages it.
"It's difficult for a single mom to adopt in any country," she said.
International adoption by a single man is even tougher. Some countries prohibit it. Neither Adoption Associates nor Bethany accepts international adoption applications from single men. Bethany accepts applications from single men -- and women -- for domestic adoptions of older children, however.
Waiting list or not, Barbra Trowe was not going to be deterred from raising a second baby from China. She was among the 25 single women who adopted through Bethany's Grand Rapids office over the last two years. She brought Ava home to Grand Rapids in October. Ava's 5-year-old sister, Maya, was adopted in 2000.
"I'm just crazy in love with these Chinese girls," says Trowe, 46.
She was laid off from her marketing position at Alticor last year but was adamant about keeping the adoption on track. She's tuning up her resume again, now that she's adjusted to life as a single mom of two.
"Maya so needed a sister to love," she says. "It's a beautiful thing to watch them together."
Precocious Maya recently told her mom she hasn't been doing a very good job at finding a husband.
Maya, who's in kindergarten, felt the sting when one of her classmates told her she wasn't allowed to attend a father-daughter dance at school.
Jensen, also a kindergartener, has asked about a dad, too.
"I let her talk about it. I let her have her feelings. I try to keep it positive and tell her what we do have in our family," Bigelow says. "No child is raised in a perfect situation, but my girls are being raised very well, if I do say so myself."
Not time for dating
Bigelow doesn't foresee fitting dating into her schedule anytime soon.
Trowe has a different perspective.
"I really would love to be married. I would love for Ava and Maya to have a dad," Trowe said. "I tell my daughters if I were to get married, he would be the luckiest man on earth because he'd be their dad."
She isn't dating now but likely will join a dating service sometime soon. And when she does, she'll be looking for a husband as well as a father for her girls.
I would like to answer your question, but need some clarification: What exactly do you mean by "your kind"? Without the clarification I'm not quite sure how to answer. I want to make sure I answer not only for myself, but also for all of the "my kind" to which you were referring.
Thanks.
Yeah I agree with you. A home is better than none at all. I just think her attitude about marriage sucks.
BRAVO!!! I applaud you P, as well as the women who choose to give loving homes to these babies.
"Wouldn't want to ruin your precious figures birthing your own babies now, would you girls?"
OMGosh! I can't believe you said that. Do you have an issue with adopted children? I think it's wonderful when a healthy young woman who CAN bear children of her own chooses to adopt a child who needs a home. Yea, she could have her "own", but if it wasn't for people who were willing to adopt, what would happen to these homeless children.
By kind I mean those who believe we have plenty of room left in America to keep bringing people into this country.
It's called love, pure, unconditional love for a child.
"I can imagine the routine: wake up, drop the baby off at daycare, go to work. Yeah, that's raising a child."
Plenty of TWO parent families are doing that very thing.
Bump To The Top.
Kind of an apples and oranges argument if you are trying to bring immigration questions into play. The baby girls adopted from China are being brought into the US by their adoptive parents. They have a home and they have financial security. Equating this situation with illegals entering the country makes no sense...
"This is soooo selfish.
"Can't find someone to marry them so adopts a little girl and cheats her out of a Daddy.
Study after study after study is clear - a little girl needs a Daddy too!"
You said, "cheats her out of a daddy"! Why is this unwanted child up for adoption in the first place? I'd rather be a child of a loving mother with no daddy, than live in an orphanage with no mommy OR daddy. sheesh! The unwanted, "up for adoption", child already doesn't have ANYBODY!
"Wow, I am surprised at the responses here. Maybe there should just be more abortions in China, so these baby girls wouldn't be adopted by the selfish Feminazis of the US.
I get it.
/disgust ""
I came into this thread late and am also DISGUSTED BIG TIME with some of the responses I'm reading. From what some of them are saying, they would prefer to have a child, already born, and unwanted to live in an orphanage, or worse, UNLESS, they can be provided with BOTH a mommy and daddy....I could go on, but now I'm just to upset with selfish mindsets...... forgive the rant....sorry
"The children are getting a parent to love them and as a bonus, they are getting out of China."
I agree. Love for a child, any child, born anywhere in the world, is a good thing.
Okay, do you include procreation as one of the things to which you object?
I've read some of your issues with immigration, but your concerns don't automatically fit with international adoption. International adoption has more to do with population growth by procreation. Many parents adopt as an alternative to procreation, choosing to adopt a child already born rather than birthing one. Choosing between those two options has the same impact on the US population.
I don't think there's much room for you to critique these adoptions unless you're also willing to step up and say it should also be illegal to procreate.
"As a single woman who wants children, this same scenario has played itself over and over again. But I just can't do it. Why? Because I want my children to have what I didn't- a father and a family."
In other words, because of your past, you would deny a homeless child your love? Sorry, I just don't get it. We'd all like to live in a perfect world, but sometimes a child is lucky to get just ONE person in the world who will love and cherish them.
"Cart before the horse idiocy. In the dating pool she'll be very attractive...to pedophiles"
"Mind in the gutter" talk IMO.
Maybe I misinterpreted her attitude then... you are right about not going to the sperm banks (which I think are evil anyway).
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