Posted on 02/22/2005 6:56:50 PM PST by qam1
More than anything, Linda Bigelow wanted to be a mom.
The traditional route -- romance, marriage, pregnancy -- would have been great, but she couldn't manage to grab hold of it.
She dated, "but I realized I wasn't really looking for a husband for me, I was looking for a father for my future children," she says. "I decided that wasn't a good reason to get married."
So at the age of 31, she decided to do motherhood -- solo.
On June 4, 2000, after reams of paperwork and several months of waiting, she and her mother, Jean, collected her new baby girl from an orphanage in Changzhou, in the Jiangsu province of China. She named her Jensen.
Three and a half years later, Jensen joined her mom and grandma on another trek to China. They came home to Grand Rapids as a foursome, having adopted 2-year-old Taryn.
The Bigelows' story isn't unique. Many single women are trying to adopt a child or two nowadays. And China is first on their list.
"China is popular with single women because it's a little less expensive (than other foreign adoptions), and they get to travel there with a group of families," said Mary Zoet, China program manager for Adoption Associates, an adoption agency based in Georgetown Township.
Plus, women want baby girls, Zoet said, and China has lots of them.
They look outside of the U.S. because adopting a baby here as a single mother is almost impossible, Zoet said. Her agency allows birth mothers to select families for their child "and they just never pick single women," she said.
In China, a country with a one-child policy, girls often are abandoned. Sons are favored because they carry on the family name and are responsible for taking care of their parents in old age. Ninety-five percent of the children in orphanages are girls.
"Since last year, the increase in China sign-ups has been huge," both for single people and married couples, Zoet said.
Restriction in place
Single women's attraction to China was so great that, starting in 2002, the China Center of Adoption Affairs put a cap on the number of babies the country would release to them. Only 8 percent of adoptions can go to single people. Married couples are welcome to apply immediately and could have a child within a year.
"China's idea of an ideal family situation for a child is two parents. With a single mom, that's not what a child is getting," Zoet said. "We may not agree, but we have to abide by it."
Because of the limits placed on single parents, a woman could wait as long as two years before she even can submit an application, said Linda Schripsema, program coordinator for China adoptions at Bethany Christian Services in Grand Rapids. Zoet has about 30 single women on a waiting list at Adoption Associates. Getting to the top could take a year. Then they'll spend another 11-plus months filling out forms and waiting for a picture of their baby to arrive in the mail. Because of the delays, some who picked China opt to pursue adoption through another country.
Guatemala, El Salvador and Russia also allow single parents to adopt, but Schripsema said none of the countries encourages it.
"It's difficult for a single mom to adopt in any country," she said.
International adoption by a single man is even tougher. Some countries prohibit it. Neither Adoption Associates nor Bethany accepts international adoption applications from single men. Bethany accepts applications from single men -- and women -- for domestic adoptions of older children, however.
Waiting list or not, Barbra Trowe was not going to be deterred from raising a second baby from China. She was among the 25 single women who adopted through Bethany's Grand Rapids office over the last two years. She brought Ava home to Grand Rapids in October. Ava's 5-year-old sister, Maya, was adopted in 2000.
"I'm just crazy in love with these Chinese girls," says Trowe, 46.
She was laid off from her marketing position at Alticor last year but was adamant about keeping the adoption on track. She's tuning up her resume again, now that she's adjusted to life as a single mom of two.
"Maya so needed a sister to love," she says. "It's a beautiful thing to watch them together."
Precocious Maya recently told her mom she hasn't been doing a very good job at finding a husband.
Maya, who's in kindergarten, felt the sting when one of her classmates told her she wasn't allowed to attend a father-daughter dance at school.
Jensen, also a kindergartener, has asked about a dad, too.
"I let her talk about it. I let her have her feelings. I try to keep it positive and tell her what we do have in our family," Bigelow says. "No child is raised in a perfect situation, but my girls are being raised very well, if I do say so myself."
Not time for dating
Bigelow doesn't foresee fitting dating into her schedule anytime soon.
Trowe has a different perspective.
"I really would love to be married. I would love for Ava and Maya to have a dad," Trowe said. "I tell my daughters if I were to get married, he would be the luckiest man on earth because he'd be their dad."
She isn't dating now but likely will join a dating service sometime soon. And when she does, she'll be looking for a husband as well as a father for her girls.
Call your elected reps... Good luck.
Offically since 1979
and how it's working out?
Probably not good. Hard to tell, The population control people think it's the best thing since sliced bread (They even think that if there is a problem it's because the Chinese government hasn't enforced it strongly enough) and the (For lack of a better word) Religious people (Donning Asbestos suit) think it's one of the worst thing ever, So it's hard to get a unbiased assessment. Though obviously with stuff like this article going on it has major problems.
I read from time to time about the shortage of females in China for men who want to marry. There must be other problems as well -- workforce, economy, stuff like that?
Yes there is going to be problems, Along with the skewing of the male-female ratio, they are going to end up with a big older to younger ratio in the future and I don't know how their Social Security works but if it's anything like ours they are many times more screwed than we are.
Not that I'm for this kind of thing, But if they were going to do it they should have gone for a 2 Child policy which is still below the replacement rate but the problems wouldn't be as extreme.
Or dropped off by the side of the road to die. Yeah, I agree. These baby girls are unwanted. These single women may be a bit unwanted too. If they can build something together that is better than what either had before, I say more power to them.
"She isn't dating now but likely will join a dating service sometime soon. And when she does, she'll be looking for a husband as well as a father for her girls."
"Cart before the horse idiocy. In the dating pool she'll be very attractive...to pedophiles"
Yeah, lots of single men in her age range who want to take on the responsibility and expense of raising two girls he doesn't know, and are looking for just the right woman to share a chaotic life with.
All the altruistic savior theories notwithstanding, the conclusion is inescapable--these women are neurotic as hell and are not responsible people. They are like the underclass teen who has a kid by the local druggie so she'll have someone to love her and make her feel good, and tomorrow takes care of itself.
To say the least. Poor kids.
Dan
That was me that made the cart before the horse thing... I should have made myself clear. I was referring to getting married. I would prefer a woman get married and the children have a strong male father figure. Having said that, I agree with you, it's a good thing she's adopting babies no one else wants.
I would prefer she marry a man who will be father to these children. The bright side is that they're going to have a better life than some communist chinese orphanage.
That's basically what my wife's ex-boyfriend said to her to try to get her to stay in the relationship. "Nobody is going to want to marry somebody's mom."
Guess what. This guy did. And, frankly, becoming instant Daddy was one of the best things that happened to me.
HERE HERE! BRAVO for your comment!
I'm a single parent (widowed) who'd gladly adopt --- from the US or China or Timbuktu --- but everywhere I look there's vultures charging thousands of dollars in fees, and no assurance that at the end of the process there'll be anything but an empty purse. If you're lucky. (If you're unlucky there's also a "change of heart" by one of the biological parents, which can prevail in court even years later.)
Hear, hear!!!
"There isn't a subject that involves the bashing of women that hasn't been done over and over. Even more amazing is how many women get in on the bashing."
Yeah, and it cuts both ways (bashing of men, except that that's generally not supported around here.) Unfortunately, a huge number of people in this country think it's perfectly ok to dislike and bash entire groups of people, so long as it's not a particular race. They're wrong, it's not ok, it's uncharitable. Unfortunately, though, "uncharitable" is one of those words that few today can even define-- maybe there's a link between these two phenomena?
Anyway, great rant, keep up the good work!
"If they want to raise them, let them go to China and do it. We have enough people in this country."
I consider your post a personal attack on me, my daughter, and on others who have adopted from China. Go take your racist filth to a white supremacist site where it would be more welcome.
Would you also propose that people in this country have forced sterilization? Are there certain types that should go first? Are people of Chinese descent not welcome here? Is procreation the only approved way to have a family?
Adoption does not add to population growth (perhaps you prefer having them killed off in the womb), it simply provides love and care for those who don't have it.
Let her go to China and raise them. That will be even more responsible.
That way she can contribute to China's population problem instead of ours.
I couldn't agree more! Thank you for saying something.
I guess it would be better for these babies to end up aborted or dying in a slum. God forbid they are adopted by a single mom!
/sarcasm
So that is the kind of attitude your kind has?
Where did you learn that, from Chinese communist propaganda?
It wouldn't make a difference to me if you adopted from Sweden.
Bravo. Both on your mini-rant and your adoption.
Well I'm glad for you!
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