Posted on 02/22/2005 6:56:50 PM PST by qam1
More than anything, Linda Bigelow wanted to be a mom.
The traditional route -- romance, marriage, pregnancy -- would have been great, but she couldn't manage to grab hold of it.
She dated, "but I realized I wasn't really looking for a husband for me, I was looking for a father for my future children," she says. "I decided that wasn't a good reason to get married."
So at the age of 31, she decided to do motherhood -- solo.
On June 4, 2000, after reams of paperwork and several months of waiting, she and her mother, Jean, collected her new baby girl from an orphanage in Changzhou, in the Jiangsu province of China. She named her Jensen.
Three and a half years later, Jensen joined her mom and grandma on another trek to China. They came home to Grand Rapids as a foursome, having adopted 2-year-old Taryn.
The Bigelows' story isn't unique. Many single women are trying to adopt a child or two nowadays. And China is first on their list.
"China is popular with single women because it's a little less expensive (than other foreign adoptions), and they get to travel there with a group of families," said Mary Zoet, China program manager for Adoption Associates, an adoption agency based in Georgetown Township.
Plus, women want baby girls, Zoet said, and China has lots of them.
They look outside of the U.S. because adopting a baby here as a single mother is almost impossible, Zoet said. Her agency allows birth mothers to select families for their child "and they just never pick single women," she said.
In China, a country with a one-child policy, girls often are abandoned. Sons are favored because they carry on the family name and are responsible for taking care of their parents in old age. Ninety-five percent of the children in orphanages are girls.
"Since last year, the increase in China sign-ups has been huge," both for single people and married couples, Zoet said.
Restriction in place
Single women's attraction to China was so great that, starting in 2002, the China Center of Adoption Affairs put a cap on the number of babies the country would release to them. Only 8 percent of adoptions can go to single people. Married couples are welcome to apply immediately and could have a child within a year.
"China's idea of an ideal family situation for a child is two parents. With a single mom, that's not what a child is getting," Zoet said. "We may not agree, but we have to abide by it."
Because of the limits placed on single parents, a woman could wait as long as two years before she even can submit an application, said Linda Schripsema, program coordinator for China adoptions at Bethany Christian Services in Grand Rapids. Zoet has about 30 single women on a waiting list at Adoption Associates. Getting to the top could take a year. Then they'll spend another 11-plus months filling out forms and waiting for a picture of their baby to arrive in the mail. Because of the delays, some who picked China opt to pursue adoption through another country.
Guatemala, El Salvador and Russia also allow single parents to adopt, but Schripsema said none of the countries encourages it.
"It's difficult for a single mom to adopt in any country," she said.
International adoption by a single man is even tougher. Some countries prohibit it. Neither Adoption Associates nor Bethany accepts international adoption applications from single men. Bethany accepts applications from single men -- and women -- for domestic adoptions of older children, however.
Waiting list or not, Barbra Trowe was not going to be deterred from raising a second baby from China. She was among the 25 single women who adopted through Bethany's Grand Rapids office over the last two years. She brought Ava home to Grand Rapids in October. Ava's 5-year-old sister, Maya, was adopted in 2000.
"I'm just crazy in love with these Chinese girls," says Trowe, 46.
She was laid off from her marketing position at Alticor last year but was adamant about keeping the adoption on track. She's tuning up her resume again, now that she's adjusted to life as a single mom of two.
"Maya so needed a sister to love," she says. "It's a beautiful thing to watch them together."
Precocious Maya recently told her mom she hasn't been doing a very good job at finding a husband.
Maya, who's in kindergarten, felt the sting when one of her classmates told her she wasn't allowed to attend a father-daughter dance at school.
Jensen, also a kindergartener, has asked about a dad, too.
"I let her talk about it. I let her have her feelings. I try to keep it positive and tell her what we do have in our family," Bigelow says. "No child is raised in a perfect situation, but my girls are being raised very well, if I do say so myself."
Not time for dating
Bigelow doesn't foresee fitting dating into her schedule anytime soon.
Trowe has a different perspective.
"I really would love to be married. I would love for Ava and Maya to have a dad," Trowe said. "I tell my daughters if I were to get married, he would be the luckiest man on earth because he'd be their dad."
She isn't dating now but likely will join a dating service sometime soon. And when she does, she'll be looking for a husband as well as a father for her girls.
We disagree, I think it does matter.
We disagree. We are talking about two different things, I am talking about the macro impact of the policy and you are focused on the micro impact. Both are important.
Some people just don't want to marry, but they want to have children. I don't know if I like that. I don't actually. If I was in her position, I'd adopt. There are biracial children waiting to be adopted. Then again, the running thread of people going overseas for adoption is because of the red tape over here.
That's cold even for this "Troll"(South of the bridge). I think that's close to record cold for the summer even in the UP, although it's usally 10-15 degrees colder there than where I'm at.
I've been to the UP and most parts of the state, but I've never made it to the Western UP. Ironwood is about an 10-11 hour drive from where I live and over 1/2 of that is on two lane roads. That's about as long for me as a drive to Louisville and back.
One of the old traditions among some of the Finns and others up north is to drink a lot of beer, go to the sauna, then run through the snow and jump into the lake - and this is during November deer camp.
We were pursuing domestic adoption & had no problem with a degree of openness. Howver, we were in two failed adoption situations and that's when we decided to take the international route.
No disrespect taken...from what I know of my ancestry that was a very accurate discription...LOL!
uh, considering how many girls are in orphanages in China, I think the little girls are much better off here even if the woman adopting them is single. It's not a choice between 1 parent or 2 - it's one parent or none.
The babies get chapped bottoms from having the split pants. It gets cold "down there."
It is a women's nature role to long to be a mother, but I think it is VERY SELFISH to want to bring children up in single parent homes. I too have compassion for these children, but her motives are selfish, rather then waiting to find a suitable husband, she wants instant gratification to satisfy HER longings, so she adopts in a country that doesn't look down on SINGLE adoption. And yes anytime people put their needs ahead of a child's they are being selfish, including those that frequent sperm banks. The point of my previous post is that children need father's too and we are created to be in a loving relationship with a husband, and then we have children or adopt whatever the case may be.
I guess you want these women to sit on their hands, waiting for Mr. Right along. In the meantime, millions of children have NO parents at all.
Thank God they ignore "compassionate" voices like yours.
Thankfully, it's a case where her selfishness and instant gratification works to the child's advantage.
I think there are a couple of people around here who need to meet a few of these adopted kids.
It's been awhile since we had an adoption thread. Some new names are popping up. Do you still keep a Chinese adoption ping list?
LOL. We have a Jensen. Simple explanation: Jian Zhen = Jensen, or at least close enough that an English speaker can scarcely notice the difference.
"Taryn" I can't account for.
I do think it's best for children if one parent can be at home with them. Basically any situation where they're being cared for by family is better than a commercial daycare center. I was in an in-home daycare run by my best friend's mom (who was in turn my mom's best friend)...only 4 kids including her own daughter and even 20 years later my old care provider is still like an aunt to me. Mom and dad staggered their work hours so that we didn't get to daycare until 9 AM and were picked up around 2 PM. It meant they didn't see as much of each other but it was good for us!
My boss just got a nanny to care for his 4 young children. Their daycare bill was more than $4000 a month for a center, and his wife only brought home $4000 a month after taxes. With the nanny being a bit less expensive, now she nets something like $500 a month. $500 a month is simply not worth having your kids in the care of someone else!
I can understand using daycare if needed...especially for single parents. For them it's either daycare or welfare. But I wish people would just LOOK at how much it's costing them to have two incomes. If grandma takes care of the baby full time for free, then it probably makes sense for both parents to work if that's what they choose. But if they're paying $1000+ per month per kid for daycare all so both parents can work, only for one to barely break even after daycare expenses, there is NO financial advantage in having two incomes.
We do hope that we can find a way for my husband to be a SAHD...which would be likely after child #2 when the expense of daycare and commuting would approach his take home pay. Plus his career is one where he could do some part time work from home in the evenings. We're already planning to buy a more modest house that we can afford on my income only. Unfortunately in our society the man is still expected to be the breadwinner, and when the roles are reversed his very legitimate work as caregiver to his children is belittled as being unmasculine.
Speak for yourself! I know the names of everyone on my block and of most of the families in my neighborhood. I know the names of their kids. I know the names of their dogs. I'm on good terms with nearly every last one of 'em--even the ones whose lawns sported "Kerry/Edwards" signs last fall. This is not an abberation. This is normal life for MOST of us. Don't assume what you clearly do not know.
And that overpopulated nonsense...gimme a freakin' break! Overpopulation is a liberal myth. It seems true to liberals because they all CHOOSE TO LIVE in urban areas. Spend an hour or two at realestate.com and you'll see what I mean.
No I would rather that more married couples with or without children would step up to the plate and adopt. And to that note....why aren't more compassionate adults such as yourself and the individual in this article stepping up to the plate and adopting older children in China that have been abandoned not simply the "perfect" infants?
No I would rather that more married couples with or without children would step up to the plate and adopt. And to that note....why aren't more compassionate adults such as yourself and the individual in this article stepping up to the plate and adopting older children in China that have been abandoned not simply the "perfect" infants?
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