Posted on 02/22/2005 6:56:50 PM PST by qam1
More than anything, Linda Bigelow wanted to be a mom.
The traditional route -- romance, marriage, pregnancy -- would have been great, but she couldn't manage to grab hold of it.
She dated, "but I realized I wasn't really looking for a husband for me, I was looking for a father for my future children," she says. "I decided that wasn't a good reason to get married."
So at the age of 31, she decided to do motherhood -- solo.
On June 4, 2000, after reams of paperwork and several months of waiting, she and her mother, Jean, collected her new baby girl from an orphanage in Changzhou, in the Jiangsu province of China. She named her Jensen.
Three and a half years later, Jensen joined her mom and grandma on another trek to China. They came home to Grand Rapids as a foursome, having adopted 2-year-old Taryn.
The Bigelows' story isn't unique. Many single women are trying to adopt a child or two nowadays. And China is first on their list.
"China is popular with single women because it's a little less expensive (than other foreign adoptions), and they get to travel there with a group of families," said Mary Zoet, China program manager for Adoption Associates, an adoption agency based in Georgetown Township.
Plus, women want baby girls, Zoet said, and China has lots of them.
They look outside of the U.S. because adopting a baby here as a single mother is almost impossible, Zoet said. Her agency allows birth mothers to select families for their child "and they just never pick single women," she said.
In China, a country with a one-child policy, girls often are abandoned. Sons are favored because they carry on the family name and are responsible for taking care of their parents in old age. Ninety-five percent of the children in orphanages are girls.
"Since last year, the increase in China sign-ups has been huge," both for single people and married couples, Zoet said.
Restriction in place
Single women's attraction to China was so great that, starting in 2002, the China Center of Adoption Affairs put a cap on the number of babies the country would release to them. Only 8 percent of adoptions can go to single people. Married couples are welcome to apply immediately and could have a child within a year.
"China's idea of an ideal family situation for a child is two parents. With a single mom, that's not what a child is getting," Zoet said. "We may not agree, but we have to abide by it."
Because of the limits placed on single parents, a woman could wait as long as two years before she even can submit an application, said Linda Schripsema, program coordinator for China adoptions at Bethany Christian Services in Grand Rapids. Zoet has about 30 single women on a waiting list at Adoption Associates. Getting to the top could take a year. Then they'll spend another 11-plus months filling out forms and waiting for a picture of their baby to arrive in the mail. Because of the delays, some who picked China opt to pursue adoption through another country.
Guatemala, El Salvador and Russia also allow single parents to adopt, but Schripsema said none of the countries encourages it.
"It's difficult for a single mom to adopt in any country," she said.
International adoption by a single man is even tougher. Some countries prohibit it. Neither Adoption Associates nor Bethany accepts international adoption applications from single men. Bethany accepts applications from single men -- and women -- for domestic adoptions of older children, however.
Waiting list or not, Barbra Trowe was not going to be deterred from raising a second baby from China. She was among the 25 single women who adopted through Bethany's Grand Rapids office over the last two years. She brought Ava home to Grand Rapids in October. Ava's 5-year-old sister, Maya, was adopted in 2000.
"I'm just crazy in love with these Chinese girls," says Trowe, 46.
She was laid off from her marketing position at Alticor last year but was adamant about keeping the adoption on track. She's tuning up her resume again, now that she's adjusted to life as a single mom of two.
"Maya so needed a sister to love," she says. "It's a beautiful thing to watch them together."
Precocious Maya recently told her mom she hasn't been doing a very good job at finding a husband.
Maya, who's in kindergarten, felt the sting when one of her classmates told her she wasn't allowed to attend a father-daughter dance at school.
Jensen, also a kindergartener, has asked about a dad, too.
"I let her talk about it. I let her have her feelings. I try to keep it positive and tell her what we do have in our family," Bigelow says. "No child is raised in a perfect situation, but my girls are being raised very well, if I do say so myself."
Not time for dating
Bigelow doesn't foresee fitting dating into her schedule anytime soon.
Trowe has a different perspective.
"I really would love to be married. I would love for Ava and Maya to have a dad," Trowe said. "I tell my daughters if I were to get married, he would be the luckiest man on earth because he'd be their dad."
She isn't dating now but likely will join a dating service sometime soon. And when she does, she'll be looking for a husband as well as a father for her girls.
There are more true Christians in China than almost anywhere else in the world, thanks to our missionaries who planted those seeds. One day, China will be full of them and that will change the dynamics there. I wait for the day!
He has, most richly with them. As I constantly tell them, they are the rainbows in Mom and Daddy's sky.
If we're talking about Chinese kids, the supply is much higher than the demand. No couple has been denied a child because a single woman has adopted it.
NO child is better off with ONE parents. NONE!
Not even a Chinese orphan who will otherwise not be adopted by anyone?
We have a family in our church who adopted a beautiful Chinese girl. She's being brought up to know the Lord and she has two great parents to boot. It's better always to have two parents, but these children need parenting, period. I'm sure there are some males who could be in the picture (grandfathers, uncles, good friends) and take up some of the slack. One hopes so at least.
Thank you for that, and all your excellent posts on this thread.
Best regards,
yes, but two gay men can get just about any baby they want, or so it seems....
I have a friend from HS...my age.(51)..who never married....was an only child herself.....who has two little adorable Chinese girls under the age of 9.....
I am very happy for her and her two girls.......we hear horror stories about what becomes of these little ones....
on a practical note, think of the infusion of great brains and talent into our country.....okay, I am being racist, but the truth is Asian people seem to be very academically gifted....
Huh? That's the BEST reason to get married. A guy who has it takes to be a good father, will be a great husband too.
She isn't dating now but likely will join a dating service sometime soon. And when she does, she'll be looking for a husband as well as a father for her girls.
Sorry, she's just not being realistic. The more kids a woman has already, the less interested men will be. Right or wrong, that's just the way it is. Especially, guys who really want kids of their own, will shy away because, they will (usually rightly) assume: "She's already got a couple of kids, probably she won't want to have any more with me."
I'm afraid she's really shot herself in the foot. She'll probably be single forever.
I think a lot of the domestic adoption agencies say you have to have infertility before they will work with you don't they?
maybe it DOES take a village to raise a child.....LOL......
not to mention their beauty, but then again, I might be a bit partial....;-)
The orphanages are horrible--the babies are cold, wrapped in rags, with terrible diaper rash.
I still have those handmade quilted rags my daughter wore when we became her parents. Her "nanny" made sure she was warm by crafting what she could for clothing.
Chinese babies wear split pants, no diapers.
Some parents choose international adoption because other countries don't allow the adopted children to go searching for their birth parents, the way we do here.
Not what I read, but maybe both are true.
Oh, let me clarify that post - that was when we became the parents of our infant daughter - who's now six, was adopted at 8 mo's.
Our second child is older - adopted this past December at 13 yrs old - and speaks fluent Mandarin....;-)
YOu are talking about small sub groups who are being persecuted and I am refering to large pervasive cultural, legal, economic and leadership issues.
Our daughter came from the orphanage in so many layers of clothes that my wife photographed them for posterity. This was on a seventy-degree day. The other babies in our travel group came similarly attired.
I am refering to large pervasive cultural, legal, economic and leadership issues. This policy is pervasive and needs to be addressed by the people facing their leadership.
Prolly depends on the institution and/or provincial wealth. Disposable diapers in poorer orphanages are a no-no. Cloth is a high maintenance item - undesirable where limited staff resources would prohibit/limit washing/drying.
Thank you so much for a wise and truthful post !
I hope you post it again and again...
Thank you...If you follow the thread, we are in the minority. The populace of a country is not expected to be responsible for the leadership it allows.
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