Posted on 02/22/2005 6:56:50 PM PST by qam1
More than anything, Linda Bigelow wanted to be a mom.
The traditional route -- romance, marriage, pregnancy -- would have been great, but she couldn't manage to grab hold of it.
She dated, "but I realized I wasn't really looking for a husband for me, I was looking for a father for my future children," she says. "I decided that wasn't a good reason to get married."
So at the age of 31, she decided to do motherhood -- solo.
On June 4, 2000, after reams of paperwork and several months of waiting, she and her mother, Jean, collected her new baby girl from an orphanage in Changzhou, in the Jiangsu province of China. She named her Jensen.
Three and a half years later, Jensen joined her mom and grandma on another trek to China. They came home to Grand Rapids as a foursome, having adopted 2-year-old Taryn.
The Bigelows' story isn't unique. Many single women are trying to adopt a child or two nowadays. And China is first on their list.
"China is popular with single women because it's a little less expensive (than other foreign adoptions), and they get to travel there with a group of families," said Mary Zoet, China program manager for Adoption Associates, an adoption agency based in Georgetown Township.
Plus, women want baby girls, Zoet said, and China has lots of them.
They look outside of the U.S. because adopting a baby here as a single mother is almost impossible, Zoet said. Her agency allows birth mothers to select families for their child "and they just never pick single women," she said.
In China, a country with a one-child policy, girls often are abandoned. Sons are favored because they carry on the family name and are responsible for taking care of their parents in old age. Ninety-five percent of the children in orphanages are girls.
"Since last year, the increase in China sign-ups has been huge," both for single people and married couples, Zoet said.
Restriction in place
Single women's attraction to China was so great that, starting in 2002, the China Center of Adoption Affairs put a cap on the number of babies the country would release to them. Only 8 percent of adoptions can go to single people. Married couples are welcome to apply immediately and could have a child within a year.
"China's idea of an ideal family situation for a child is two parents. With a single mom, that's not what a child is getting," Zoet said. "We may not agree, but we have to abide by it."
Because of the limits placed on single parents, a woman could wait as long as two years before she even can submit an application, said Linda Schripsema, program coordinator for China adoptions at Bethany Christian Services in Grand Rapids. Zoet has about 30 single women on a waiting list at Adoption Associates. Getting to the top could take a year. Then they'll spend another 11-plus months filling out forms and waiting for a picture of their baby to arrive in the mail. Because of the delays, some who picked China opt to pursue adoption through another country.
Guatemala, El Salvador and Russia also allow single parents to adopt, but Schripsema said none of the countries encourages it.
"It's difficult for a single mom to adopt in any country," she said.
International adoption by a single man is even tougher. Some countries prohibit it. Neither Adoption Associates nor Bethany accepts international adoption applications from single men. Bethany accepts applications from single men -- and women -- for domestic adoptions of older children, however.
Waiting list or not, Barbra Trowe was not going to be deterred from raising a second baby from China. She was among the 25 single women who adopted through Bethany's Grand Rapids office over the last two years. She brought Ava home to Grand Rapids in October. Ava's 5-year-old sister, Maya, was adopted in 2000.
"I'm just crazy in love with these Chinese girls," says Trowe, 46.
She was laid off from her marketing position at Alticor last year but was adamant about keeping the adoption on track. She's tuning up her resume again, now that she's adjusted to life as a single mom of two.
"Maya so needed a sister to love," she says. "It's a beautiful thing to watch them together."
Precocious Maya recently told her mom she hasn't been doing a very good job at finding a husband.
Maya, who's in kindergarten, felt the sting when one of her classmates told her she wasn't allowed to attend a father-daughter dance at school.
Jensen, also a kindergartener, has asked about a dad, too.
"I let her talk about it. I let her have her feelings. I try to keep it positive and tell her what we do have in our family," Bigelow says. "No child is raised in a perfect situation, but my girls are being raised very well, if I do say so myself."
Not time for dating
Bigelow doesn't foresee fitting dating into her schedule anytime soon.
Trowe has a different perspective.
"I really would love to be married. I would love for Ava and Maya to have a dad," Trowe said. "I tell my daughters if I were to get married, he would be the luckiest man on earth because he'd be their dad."
She isn't dating now but likely will join a dating service sometime soon. And when she does, she'll be looking for a husband as well as a father for her girls.
You obviously know little of the life some of those girls would lead after the age of fourteen.
Being a child of a single parent anywhere else is better than being sold into prostitution or being placed on the streets of China before their fifteenth birthday.
It doesn't matter of the woman's decision to be a single mom - the kids still are better off.
Isn't this sick Liberal shiite revolting? On the bright side the gene pool is probably being improved by replacing these morons' offspring with intelligent Chinese babies.
LOL! Please tell me you don't need me to tell you that it is.
Normally, I wouldn't.... But on this thread, I wasn't sure. 8>)
So do I. It would appear she wants a life she can control, not a life to share hers with.
I (we) was/were in that 92% - two times...;-)
I know alot of single woman who just haven't found the man to share their lives with...but that doesn't mean they could not be great moms to a needing child.
ROTFLOL!!
True story, my experience: a former co-worker and I met at a builder's supply after I came back from China with my first daughter, an infant - 8 mo's. The guy asked, "Well, what did she cry like?"
I replied, "She cried in Chinese and I couldn't understand a thing she meant."
He said, "Is THAT right?"
Sum ar dum.
Even that would depend on the woman's support network. When I met my wife, she was a single mom, living with her parents. Even if I had not met her, my (step-)daughter would have had her grandfather around.
Question is, how much of the problems children have bring brought up by single parents are lessened, if the single parent has a family support system -- grandparents, siblings, etc. -- who share in the raising of the child.
And I would agree. They would also tend to be more mature.
That's prolly one reason why the Chinese adoption process is restrictive to 30 yrs plus for a healthy infant.
I'm willing to bet that there are children with NO parents, languishing in warehouse-style orphanages in China and Romania (among other places) who would disagree with you. I bet they would be happy, I bet they would thrive with just one set of loving arms to give them a hug and tuck them in at night...to offer them a comfy lap for snuggling up and reading together...to help out with math homework...to eventually save them from a life on the streets when they hit their teen years.
Suppose the husband of a pregnant mother dies in a car crash on the way to the delivery room. That mother should give her infant up for adoption, shouldn't she? After all,
NO child is better off with ONE parents. NONE!
"Isn't it time to start thinking of what is BEST for the child and stop being so SELFISH as in single parenting?"
You're uninformed if you think otherwise of me.
There are on average 200,000 children abandoned in China EVERY YEAR. IF they're lucky enough to survive and make it into an orphanage and can survive the dying rooms, the institution is allotted roughly $12 month per to feed, clothe, and house them. There aren't enough adoptive parents in the world to handle that many, let alone to couple with them the many from the rest of the world...
How many orphanages have YOU visited in China? How many orphans are YOU willing to take? If you have or are, I offer my gratitude to you.
If not, you'd change that tune, but quickly, if you could see what I have.
With the large number of abandoned orphans in China, virtually any married couple over 30 years old who meet the medical and financial requirements are guaranteed a child.
"There is NO reason to give an adopted girl to a SINGLE parent."
IMO, that is an incredibly ignorant statement. 'nuf said...
The anger is directed at the women doing the single parent adoptions...not the situation of children needing to be adopted. Single women, over 30, who wish to adopt have been characterized as everything from selfish, maladjusted workaholics to man-hating lesbians...that is why this thread is approaching 300 posts. Vemon aimed at the women doing the adopting.
Really, though, who would want to marry her? It cuts both ways.
That anger is sometimes misplaced, too.
I know a girl personally who adopted a seven year old Chinese girl. The lady had been married and divorced, was incapable of conception so giving birth to her own was out. She chose China.
Why? The legal aspects of the USA suck with regards to adoptive parents; AP's are considered a second class with rights closely paralleling those of a stray dog. That's why she, I, and many others pursue(d) international adoption vs. domestic.
I have two Chinese American daughters and might not be finished yet....;-)
Very cool. :^)
P.S. There have to be at least a few dozen FReepers that also have adopted from China....and those are just the ones I've run across. There are probably many more.
How wonderful!!! I love to hear stories like yours...God bless!
I have a friend who dated two black men (she was white) so she could have their babies. She has two lovely children and is still unmarried. Interesting.
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