Posted on 02/22/2005 6:56:50 PM PST by qam1
More than anything, Linda Bigelow wanted to be a mom.
The traditional route -- romance, marriage, pregnancy -- would have been great, but she couldn't manage to grab hold of it.
She dated, "but I realized I wasn't really looking for a husband for me, I was looking for a father for my future children," she says. "I decided that wasn't a good reason to get married."
So at the age of 31, she decided to do motherhood -- solo.
On June 4, 2000, after reams of paperwork and several months of waiting, she and her mother, Jean, collected her new baby girl from an orphanage in Changzhou, in the Jiangsu province of China. She named her Jensen.
Three and a half years later, Jensen joined her mom and grandma on another trek to China. They came home to Grand Rapids as a foursome, having adopted 2-year-old Taryn.
The Bigelows' story isn't unique. Many single women are trying to adopt a child or two nowadays. And China is first on their list.
"China is popular with single women because it's a little less expensive (than other foreign adoptions), and they get to travel there with a group of families," said Mary Zoet, China program manager for Adoption Associates, an adoption agency based in Georgetown Township.
Plus, women want baby girls, Zoet said, and China has lots of them.
They look outside of the U.S. because adopting a baby here as a single mother is almost impossible, Zoet said. Her agency allows birth mothers to select families for their child "and they just never pick single women," she said.
In China, a country with a one-child policy, girls often are abandoned. Sons are favored because they carry on the family name and are responsible for taking care of their parents in old age. Ninety-five percent of the children in orphanages are girls.
"Since last year, the increase in China sign-ups has been huge," both for single people and married couples, Zoet said.
Restriction in place
Single women's attraction to China was so great that, starting in 2002, the China Center of Adoption Affairs put a cap on the number of babies the country would release to them. Only 8 percent of adoptions can go to single people. Married couples are welcome to apply immediately and could have a child within a year.
"China's idea of an ideal family situation for a child is two parents. With a single mom, that's not what a child is getting," Zoet said. "We may not agree, but we have to abide by it."
Because of the limits placed on single parents, a woman could wait as long as two years before she even can submit an application, said Linda Schripsema, program coordinator for China adoptions at Bethany Christian Services in Grand Rapids. Zoet has about 30 single women on a waiting list at Adoption Associates. Getting to the top could take a year. Then they'll spend another 11-plus months filling out forms and waiting for a picture of their baby to arrive in the mail. Because of the delays, some who picked China opt to pursue adoption through another country.
Guatemala, El Salvador and Russia also allow single parents to adopt, but Schripsema said none of the countries encourages it.
"It's difficult for a single mom to adopt in any country," she said.
International adoption by a single man is even tougher. Some countries prohibit it. Neither Adoption Associates nor Bethany accepts international adoption applications from single men. Bethany accepts applications from single men -- and women -- for domestic adoptions of older children, however.
Waiting list or not, Barbra Trowe was not going to be deterred from raising a second baby from China. She was among the 25 single women who adopted through Bethany's Grand Rapids office over the last two years. She brought Ava home to Grand Rapids in October. Ava's 5-year-old sister, Maya, was adopted in 2000.
"I'm just crazy in love with these Chinese girls," says Trowe, 46.
She was laid off from her marketing position at Alticor last year but was adamant about keeping the adoption on track. She's tuning up her resume again, now that she's adjusted to life as a single mom of two.
"Maya so needed a sister to love," she says. "It's a beautiful thing to watch them together."
Precocious Maya recently told her mom she hasn't been doing a very good job at finding a husband.
Maya, who's in kindergarten, felt the sting when one of her classmates told her she wasn't allowed to attend a father-daughter dance at school.
Jensen, also a kindergartener, has asked about a dad, too.
"I let her talk about it. I let her have her feelings. I try to keep it positive and tell her what we do have in our family," Bigelow says. "No child is raised in a perfect situation, but my girls are being raised very well, if I do say so myself."
Not time for dating
Bigelow doesn't foresee fitting dating into her schedule anytime soon.
Trowe has a different perspective.
"I really would love to be married. I would love for Ava and Maya to have a dad," Trowe said. "I tell my daughters if I were to get married, he would be the luckiest man on earth because he'd be their dad."
She isn't dating now but likely will join a dating service sometime soon. And when she does, she'll be looking for a husband as well as a father for her girls.
I wonder how many of these women are just buying the babies because they can not pass the screening tests in the USA because they have an "alternative lifestyle." (that is homosexual for those in rio linda)
Do these women live in states which allow "second parent" or same sex partner adoptions?
They must REALLY hate men given their list of particulars. These little girls are soooo screwed.
We have enough people in this country.
This woman was going to have a baby one way or another. What difference does it make if she chose to adopt a baby from China or be artificially inseminated?
Man, what a thread. I just read #201. Quadruple YUCK.
Good question. It is against Chinese regulations to adopt there if you are homosexual. It is a specific question that is asked in the homestudy and any agency that covers it up risks losing their ability to do placements.
At the same time there are homosexuals that do adopt from China. Most single women I know of who have adopted from China are conservative Christians who haven't found a suitable marriage partner and want to give a child a home.
And frankly, babies are "bought" in adoption just about the same manner in which you "buy" a birth child by paying the hospital bill. All of the money goes to cover the expenses of the adoption. Even the $3,000 I gave to the orphanage seems small when I consider the care they gave my daughter for the first year of her life.
You've really bought into the liberal overpopulation nonsense.
My useless junkie of a sister-in-law gave up her second child for adoption (thank God) to a nice couple from South Dakota. She has up to a year to change her mind. It's insanity.
If she tries to get the kid back, all of us will testify in court in favor of the adopted parents.
Alright, since you are so much better informed by hearsay, tell me this: The "many, many children [who] are left in the orphanages with no one to adopt them" -- are they children who are, as some say, less "adoptable"? E.g., do they have health problems?
And your wonderful single women who "have significant financial resources and a community of support" -- are they adopting them?
If not, why not?
Btw, the only statistics to which I'm referring are those that show that girls brought up in fatherless homes are far more likely to become promiscuous teenagers, to become pregnant while teenagers, and to abuse drugs.
I did not quote any statistics regarding foreign adoptions in China, because I don't have any.
Do you?
Please "do your research well" so that we may both discover the truth. Let's see some stats.
That's what people are afraid of.
The way adoption works in this country is a nightmare. I can't blame people for wanting to go overseas to skip the hassles of dealing with American social services.
I have female friends who are now in their 30's and aren't married. They spent their 20's in college and graduate school and are just now stable enough financially to think about marriage and kids. It's a tough place to be. For some of them, adoption or artificial insemination may end up being options.
Maybe she should go on Hannity's web site to find a date and who knows a husband
I hmmmmm too.
We were in a foster-to-adopt situation that failed. Now we are going to adopt from Russia. I don't think we could stand another failed situation like that.
Please tell me that's a joke.
Indeed...compared to infanticide, single mom's indulgence seems trivial.
But the theme that some did not need husband is troubling.
You must be real picky dear....I can see Michigan's finest or not so finest being "broken glass" to your front door proposal in hand with all due respect.
Adoption laws need to be modified to protect the most vulnerable-the children. I think the needs of the children get lost in the shuffle.
Unless the adoptive parents prove to be abusive, taking a child from his family--especially years after the adoption--ONLY serves the interests of the birth parents. In such a case, if the child winds up back with the birth parent(s), the child loses his family, his sense of security...
I wish you luck dear. I'm too old and too married but a fella could do a lot worse than you from what I've seen and read around here for a few years.
Regards.
No, Rintense isn't picky. I snagged the last best man in the mitten back in 1991. The pickinz are slim.
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