Posted on 02/22/2005 6:56:50 PM PST by qam1
More than anything, Linda Bigelow wanted to be a mom.
The traditional route -- romance, marriage, pregnancy -- would have been great, but she couldn't manage to grab hold of it.
She dated, "but I realized I wasn't really looking for a husband for me, I was looking for a father for my future children," she says. "I decided that wasn't a good reason to get married."
So at the age of 31, she decided to do motherhood -- solo.
On June 4, 2000, after reams of paperwork and several months of waiting, she and her mother, Jean, collected her new baby girl from an orphanage in Changzhou, in the Jiangsu province of China. She named her Jensen.
Three and a half years later, Jensen joined her mom and grandma on another trek to China. They came home to Grand Rapids as a foursome, having adopted 2-year-old Taryn.
The Bigelows' story isn't unique. Many single women are trying to adopt a child or two nowadays. And China is first on their list.
"China is popular with single women because it's a little less expensive (than other foreign adoptions), and they get to travel there with a group of families," said Mary Zoet, China program manager for Adoption Associates, an adoption agency based in Georgetown Township.
Plus, women want baby girls, Zoet said, and China has lots of them.
They look outside of the U.S. because adopting a baby here as a single mother is almost impossible, Zoet said. Her agency allows birth mothers to select families for their child "and they just never pick single women," she said.
In China, a country with a one-child policy, girls often are abandoned. Sons are favored because they carry on the family name and are responsible for taking care of their parents in old age. Ninety-five percent of the children in orphanages are girls.
"Since last year, the increase in China sign-ups has been huge," both for single people and married couples, Zoet said.
Restriction in place
Single women's attraction to China was so great that, starting in 2002, the China Center of Adoption Affairs put a cap on the number of babies the country would release to them. Only 8 percent of adoptions can go to single people. Married couples are welcome to apply immediately and could have a child within a year.
"China's idea of an ideal family situation for a child is two parents. With a single mom, that's not what a child is getting," Zoet said. "We may not agree, but we have to abide by it."
Because of the limits placed on single parents, a woman could wait as long as two years before she even can submit an application, said Linda Schripsema, program coordinator for China adoptions at Bethany Christian Services in Grand Rapids. Zoet has about 30 single women on a waiting list at Adoption Associates. Getting to the top could take a year. Then they'll spend another 11-plus months filling out forms and waiting for a picture of their baby to arrive in the mail. Because of the delays, some who picked China opt to pursue adoption through another country.
Guatemala, El Salvador and Russia also allow single parents to adopt, but Schripsema said none of the countries encourages it.
"It's difficult for a single mom to adopt in any country," she said.
International adoption by a single man is even tougher. Some countries prohibit it. Neither Adoption Associates nor Bethany accepts international adoption applications from single men. Bethany accepts applications from single men -- and women -- for domestic adoptions of older children, however.
Waiting list or not, Barbra Trowe was not going to be deterred from raising a second baby from China. She was among the 25 single women who adopted through Bethany's Grand Rapids office over the last two years. She brought Ava home to Grand Rapids in October. Ava's 5-year-old sister, Maya, was adopted in 2000.
"I'm just crazy in love with these Chinese girls," says Trowe, 46.
She was laid off from her marketing position at Alticor last year but was adamant about keeping the adoption on track. She's tuning up her resume again, now that she's adjusted to life as a single mom of two.
"Maya so needed a sister to love," she says. "It's a beautiful thing to watch them together."
Precocious Maya recently told her mom she hasn't been doing a very good job at finding a husband.
Maya, who's in kindergarten, felt the sting when one of her classmates told her she wasn't allowed to attend a father-daughter dance at school.
Jensen, also a kindergartener, has asked about a dad, too.
"I let her talk about it. I let her have her feelings. I try to keep it positive and tell her what we do have in our family," Bigelow says. "No child is raised in a perfect situation, but my girls are being raised very well, if I do say so myself."
Not time for dating
Bigelow doesn't foresee fitting dating into her schedule anytime soon.
Trowe has a different perspective.
"I really would love to be married. I would love for Ava and Maya to have a dad," Trowe said. "I tell my daughters if I were to get married, he would be the luckiest man on earth because he'd be their dad."
She isn't dating now but likely will join a dating service sometime soon. And when she does, she'll be looking for a husband as well as a father for her girls.
"Are posters on FR not aware of what is happening to female babies in China?"
Sure they are. But there are those posters who must avail themselves of every opportunity to slam women who display feminist tendencies, and raising a baby without a husband in the picture certainly falls into that category. As such, decrying that transgression takes priority over acknowledging the fact that these women are saving the girls from hellish lives and, presumably, lessening the number of abortions in China.
And for those who argue that a child needs a mother and a father, I agree 100%. But we don't live in a perfect world. Certainly, female Chinese babies don't. Having one harried American single parent has got to be better than spending life tied to a chair in an orphanage.
"I said.
We have enough people in this country.
So make what they are doing illegal because we're out of room.
But of course you won't agree.
But after we have half a billion people and you're up to your eyeballs in pollution and recycling and rationing laws, don't come crying to me."
I can't believe that any kind, loving, Christian, human being would want to deny a child a chance at living in a loving home. But then again, I am assuming you are kind, loving, Christian, and/or human. :)
I APPLAUD YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To say I am disgusted to my very soul over some of the comments on this thread is the biggest understatement of my life! God save us all from this sort of sinfulness!
Her reasons are purely selfish, however the baby girls not being disposed of is a good thing. I find it incredible that Americans abort (kill) so many baby each year when so many Americans want to adopt. Again it is the "all about me" syndrome, rather than it is all about HIM truth.
"I consider your post a personal attack on me, my daughter, and on others who have adopted from China. Go take your racist filth to a white supremacist site where it would be more welcome.
Would you also propose that people in this country have forced sterilization? Are there certain types that should go first? Are people of Chinese descent not welcome here? Is procreation the only approved way to have a family?
Adoption does not add to population growth (perhaps you prefer having them killed off in the womb), it simply provides love and care for those who don't have it."
GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!!!!!!! Every child is precious in the eyes of the Lord! May some on this thread HANG THEIR HEADS IN SHAME!
I am not equating this with illegal immigrantion.
I am equating this with legal immigration.
Despite the negative replies, it's nice to see so many people supporting international adoption on this thread. I've been on some where I've felt like I've been the only one speaking up, and I really appreciate the kind words of many.
As the adoptive mom of children from China, I can only hope that more people will open their hearts and homes to these precious kids. We've been blessed beyond words to be their parents.
And I'll add this, folks who think that remaining in an orphanage is preferable to being adopted by a single mom in America, are stark, raving mad.
That said, there's no way I can condemn this. With the one child policy in China(as well as the forced abortions and illegal abortions so the family will have a boy), and it's unfriendliness for girls, there is no doubt that these girls are in a better situation. At least we know they would be in a home where they are loved.
That's a hell of a lot better than an orphanage in the PRC.
I should add that the perfect isn't always the enemy of the good.
Hopefully they did it for the right reasons.So, I also pray that if they do not find a husband that is understanding,God makes their road easy.
""Kind of an apples and oranges argument if you are trying to bring immigration questions into play. The baby girls adopted from China are being brought into the US by their adoptive parents. They have a home and they have financial security. Equating this situation with illegals entering the country makes no sense.""
It seems to me that "Age of Reason" doesn't mind someone adding to our "population" as long as that child is born IN the United States. What this person apparently doesn't understand is that many people who adopt children from other countries do so INSTEAD of giving birth to their own children. One child = one child...no matter whether it is born here, or adopted from another country. sheesh!
What about American orphans?
Sad to say, this is much better than most I've been on. Some of the usual suspects are missing. Remember the guy that called us "traitors to America" for adopting abroad? Double YUCK.
Sometimes I wonder that too, but to a lot of people the prospect of having birth mothers come back, lawyers,etc. is really distasteful.
"God bless the woman who cares for the child another throws away."
Bump To The Top.
Can I Double Bump to the Top? If so, I wish do to so.
Okay...if you are equating international adoption with legal immigration your argument is even more illogical...how does the fact of bringing a child to the US differ from birthing a child in the US...as it relates America's 'running out of space?' A child is a child is a child...
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