More Dads Take Stay-At-Home Route

WFTV ^ | 2/22/05 | Internet Broadcasting Systems

[qam1]

More Men Go From Boardroom To Playroom

ANNANDALE, Va. -- The job comes without a paycheck. The hours are long. The rewards can be priceless.

It's not something you put on your resume, but millions of men have decided to give up their careers and become stay-at-home dads, Washington, D.C., television station WRC reported.

Some mothers may resent the attention to stay-at-home dads, since they've been doing it for centuries.

But the station looked at the growing trend because it's a option many couples may not have explored.

This is about children, parents and a difficult choice.

That choice was the subject of the popular 1983 comedy "Mr. Mom." In that movie, a laid-off engineer stays home with his three kids while his wife returns to work.

It's fiction becoming a fact of life for a growing number of couples.

Chip and Heather Covell of Annandale made the decision eight months ago. As a special education teacher, Chip needed a break. Meanwhile, his wife's teaching career was taking off.

According to the latest U.S. Census figures, 3.6 million men stay home while their wives work. That's a 54 percent increase since 1986.

Human resource experts say the numbers will continue to climb.

"The so-called Generation X and Generation Y workforce are a little more open to the concept of staying at home and a spouse, in this case a wife, earning more than the husband," human resources manager Steven Williams said.

Damon Riley's wife is the vice president of a marketing firm. Staying home meant giving up his job as director of new student orientation at Georgetown University.

"Her salary was probably more than twice mine at the time, anyway. And having somebody come to the house was going to cost us almost all of my salary," Riley said.

Riley has been staying home since his twin daughters were born seven years ago.

Mothers in their Olney, Md., neighborhood are supportive.

"He's just one of the girls. No offense, Damon, but he's just one of us," stay-at-home mom Sophie Stopak said.

But fitting in can be difficult. That's where a group called DC Metro Dads comes in. The Bowie, Md., chapter meets every Monday.

"It gives us a network of other men, we get to sit around and talk about guy things," one of the dads said.

The couples told WRC that they began by doing the math. They compared child-care costs with the loss of one salary, and decided it was worth the sacrifice.

[qam1]

See, it's still all about them . . . their career, their kids.

HUH? Whose kids are they suppose to give up their career if not their own?

Would it be better if they both worked and latched keyed their kids like the Baby Boomers did?

Please see Generation X parents outshine Baby Boomers before spouting off such nonsense

[exnavychick]

I think any parent staying home with the kids is infinitely preferable to daycare! It broke my heart to send my babies off to daycare (at just six weeks old!!) and that's one reason I decided not to re-enlist. My husband did pretty well at home, but he's much happier back in the workforce and with me at home with our babies.

Kudos to you for doing a tough job, and to both you and your wife for being such obviously great parents. :)

[ThisLittleLightofMine]

I agree with you (first time EVER) so you must be correct.

[HitmanLV]

Yes, I agree with you. The only thing I would add is that while the subconscious instinct and natural reaction is important and should be recognized and worked with, it's not a license for injustice.

For example, it's perfectly normal and natural for people to be drawn to and be more comfortable around people of the same race. This has been documented and studied. That being said, I wouldn't suggest that concept should somehow justify unfair discrimination, unjust byproducts of racism, etc.

But it's a dirty secret: the social engineers can change policy but they can't change these hardwired instincts. They can make it more accepted for a man to stay at home and take the traditional female role, and they can make it more encouraged for women to seek high power careers (traditionally 'male'), but they can't really address these subconscious issues.

When you get right down to it, a diminished male in the eyes of the women in his life invariably becomes a sexually diminished male, both in women's eyes and men's eyes - especially his own). That these types of couples encounter difficulty in their marriages isn't a surprise to anyone who recognizes this dynamic and has some clarity (not directly involved). Since much of the impact is subconscious, the people who it is happening to are not in the best position to evaluate it.

[Tax-chick]

My kids love having dad home

I'll bet they do! My husband was unemployed for a year during 2002-2003. I could have gotten a job, but he didn't want me to, so I didn't. We lived on his severance pay, savings, and acts of God.

Ever since he found a new job, the children have been asking when he'll be unemployed again, because they thought it was great!

[HitmanLV]

I'm speaking as a general principle, and I explicitly wrote that this doesn't cover all cases.

Of course I am correct - most men see it, and most women are probably more acutely aware of it than the men.

That the male in your life had problems dealing with the role is not unexpected, and I addressed it. And I also said that, consciously, the women in their lives appreciate the role the male takes in these situations.

But what I said about the subconscious instinct stands, as a general principle, as very valid. It is funny that you would bring up your failed relationship as evidence that what I suggested was somehow inaccurate.

'Whatever,' I say.

In any case, you are right that these things are not exhibited in every case, nor do they tend to exclusively cause problems in a marriage, but they do cause significant damage.

But as a general principle, a male is more at ease and in an optimal frame of mind if he takes the traditional role, and a female is more at ease and in an optimal frame of mind if she takes her traditional role. That's not an argument against careers for women, far from it: it's more important for the male to take his place of strength and providing for his nest. Otherwise, he will see himself as diminished.

If he fails, it's only natural for his mate to see him as diminished, also. And why would a woman hang around a diminished male? she wouldn't, of course.

And that ain't hogswallop (whatever that is). :-)

[HitmanLV]

It's a general principle, as I said, and it is valid.

In any event, that may or may not have much to do with how the female in such a relationship sees the male. It's not uncommon that women in these relationships find their men less appealing, and seek satisfaction from a more traditional male presence.

I'm happy that's not the case in your relationship. But that's not to say I'm smoking crack. In any event, good luck.

[LibertarianInExile]

If you continue to read the post to which you reply, you will note there is a /sarcasm tag attached. These are useful in discovering the poster is being sarcastic. You may find these helpful next time you read one of my posts. I tend to use them to ensure the folks who don't get sarcasm know I'm being sarcastic.

Unfortunately, I have yet to discover something that would solve the problem of people who don't actually read the posts to which they're responding. :) Maybe a big "WARNING--THIS POST USES SARCASM--DO NOT READ IT IF YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND SARCASM!" up front, before I post anything on topic. LOL.

But to reply to your post--I don't think it's the BOOMERS' fault that Gen Xers are self-absorbed brats, because I don't think Gen Xers are self-absorbed brats. I do think Gen Xers tend to be a helluvalot more self-deprecating than others. I'm unsure, given many of the Boomers' liberal social beliefs and their kinda weird perspectives on childraising back when they first squeezed out pups, whether or not many Xers would have been better off without them around as "parents," anyway.

[LibertarianInExile]

Dunno, your posting is kind of limp-wristed...

(ducks flames)

JUST kidding. LOL.

[exnavychick]

It is funny that you would bring up your failed relationship as evidence that what I suggested was somehow inaccurate.

Excuse me, but what failed relationship are you referring to?

[kittymyrib]

With white dads at the bottom of everyone's hiring list, he has no choice in the matter. At least the kids aren't being dumped in day care, though, so there's one plus in this sad story.

[HitmanLV]

I thought you referred to the gentleman as your 'Ex' - that's colloqual for a former spouse. If I am mistaken, I am sorry.

[DeSoto]

"It's not something you put on your resume, "

I sold my businesses, stayed home and raised my son, while providing care for my mother and mother-in-law, and wouldn't have changed anything.

Now that things have changed, my son is older, Mother-in-law dead, and finances require that I return to work, it very difficult to return to the job market with an apparent multi-year gap in a resume. My current employer finally took a chance, but later admitted that she first thought the gap was very suspicious. Talk about roll-reversals. A woman nearly discriminated against me because I chose to be a full-time dad. While I can't prove it, but I strongly suspect that the 'gap' in my resume was interpreted as prison time and my job ap was discarded based on that basis.

I encourage men to nurture their kids, staying at home with mine was the best thing that I will have ever done in my life, I hope that it is put prominently in my obituary. But beware of discrimination out there.

[HitmanLV]

I thought you referred to the gentleman as your 'Ex' - that's colloquial for a former spouse. If I am mistaken, I am sorry.

[exnavychick]

Well, you're quite right, I missed that somehow, even though I did read the post. It just didn't register.

[Husker8877]

Maybe you're being facetious (imagine Laz being facetious) but I couldn't agree with you more anyway!

[oldbrowser]

"More dads" don't have another good choice when their wives (and now foreigners) have been preferred over them in the job market for so long.

Yeah, staying home with all the (desperate) housewives seems like a real hardship.

[exnavychick]

Yes, I call him Mr. Ex because of my screenname...it's shorter and less weird sounding than "Mr. Exnavychick", lol.

[LibertarianInExile]

Been there...haven't done it insofar as sarcasm is concerned, because I'm one sarcastic SOB. But I certainly understand if you're a pretty straightforward person, how you could miss sarcasm.

You should probably hang out with some more sarcastic folks and watch a lot of smart-alecky sitcoms (Frasier, for example) to bulk up those weak sarcasm muscles.

8 ]

[HitmanLV]

Haha! Sorry! I think my mistake is understandable, so please forgive me!

I do think that as a general principle, what I say is valid, though its not in all cases of course, and it's never wholly responsible for a marriage's problems.

In any case, I am happy that you folks are pleased with your relationship, and I don't doubt he is a lucky man, too!

God bless!