Posted on 02/10/2005 11:24:26 AM PST by vannrox
> CLASSICAL > Feline
Reactions to Bearded Men
A feline subject reacts to a photograph of a man with a full dark semicircular beard.
Cats were exposed to photographs of bearded men. The beards were of various sizes, shapes, and styles. The cats' responses were recorded and analyzed.
Boone (1958) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to clean-shaven men. O'Connor and Brynner (1990) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to shaven heads. Quant (1965) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to bangs. Seuss (1955) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to hats. Ciccone (1986) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to hairy legs. Other related studies (Smith/Brothers 1972, Conroy 1987, Schwartzenegger 1983) have since been retracted because the investigators were not able to reproduce their results.
Norquist (1988) performed a series of experiments in which cats were exposed to photographs of Robert Bork[1] (not pictured here), a man whose beard is confined largely to the underside of the jaw. After viewing the Bork photograph, 26% of the cats exhibited paralysis of the legs and body, including the neck. An additional 31% of the cats exposed to the Bork photograph showed other types of severe neurological and/or pulmocardial distress and/or exhibited extremely violent behavior. Because of this, we did not include a photograph of this type of bearded man in our study.
Five photographs were used in the study. The photographs, reproduced here, display a range of different types of bearded men. (As noted above, one type of bearded man was, however, excluded from use in this study.)
The test subjects were female cats, all between the ages of four and six. 214 cats participated in the study. Three cats died during the study, due to causes unrelated to the bearded men. Fifteen cats gave birth while viewing the photographs.[2]
Each cat was exposed to the photographs. One photograph was shown at a time. Each photograph was visible for a span of twenty seconds. The photographs were presented in the same order to each cat.
While each cat was viewing the photographs, it was held by a laboratory assistant. To ensure that the cats were not influenced by stroking or other unconscious cues from the assistant, the assistant was anesthetized prior to each session. The cats' reactions were assessed for changes in pulse rate, respiration, eye dilation, fur shed rate, and qualitative behavior.
The results are presented in Table 1. The quantitative results are average values calculated over the entire feline subject population. The qualitative results are broken out by percentages of the subject population.
Table 1
Pulse Rate:
Runkel: +42%
Crafts: unchanged
Despradelle: +87%
Pritchett: +2%
Wiener: unchanged
Respiration:
Runkel: +186%
Crafts: unchanged
Despradelle: +317%
Pritchett: + 3%
Wiener: unchanged
Eye Dilation:
Runkel: +23%
Crafts: +1%
Despradelle: +31%
Pritchett: +3%
Wiener: unchanged
Fur Shed Rate:
Runkel: +12%
Crafts: unchanged
Despradelle: +19%
Pritchett: +2%
Wiener: unchanged
Qualitative Behavior:
Runkel:
52% attacked photograph; hissing; spitting;
generally agitated behavior.
34% fled.
14% had no visible response.
Crafts:
2% attacked photograph.
1% fled.
1% licked photograph.
94% had no visible response.
Despradelle:
79% attacked photograph; hissing; spitting;
generally violent, agitated behavior; chaotic
tail twitch; screeching; incontinence.
19% fled.
2% had no visible response.
Pritchett:
7% attacked photograph.
1% fled.
91% had no visible response.
Wiener: (100%) No visible response.
These interpretations are not categorical. They are subject to several obvious qualifications. The most notable are listed below.
Qualification A. This study excluded photographs of men with beards confined largely to the underside of the jaw (see above discussion of Robert Bork). While data are available from studies conducted by other investigators, those studies made use of a different methodology than the one we used in our study. We are therefore hesitant to interpret our findings in light of the "Bork" findings, or vice versa.
Qualification B. This study was conducted with photographs of bearded men. In a future study we intend to investigate feline responses to animate bearded men. A large number of factors might produce significantly different results in the two studies. In particular, there has been speculation that bearded men produce pheromones which could have a significant effect on cats.[3]
The author wishes to thank The MIT Museum Collection for allowing us to use photographs from its Bearded Men Collection and for generously granting permission to reproduce the photographs as part of this research report. Special thanks to Sally Beddow for assistance in selecting appropriate photographs (the Collection includes more than 71,000 photographs of bearded men) and to Warren Seamans and Kathy Thurston. Special thanks also to Lisa Yane for coordinating the scheduling, travel and housing arrangements for the feline subjects and for obtaining medical clearances in connection with anesthetizing the research assistant.
NOTE: After this report was published, the authors continued their research.
A later report (including newly discovered historical photos of cats reacting to Abraham Lincoln, Csar Nicholas, and others) can be seen in the Sept./Oct. 1999 issue (vol. 5, no. 5) of the Annals of Improbable Research.
And still further reports appear in many of the subsequent issues of the magazine.
Also see the report Feline Reactions to Bearded Men of Beard Type #55G.
© Copyright 2001Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)
This is a HotAIR classical feature. For new airy stuff, see What's New.
Feline Responses to Bearded Men
This was probably a Democratic research project, in which case a point is besides the, er...point.
Bibliography
Boone, Patrick, "Cat Reactions to Clean-Shaven Men," in Western Musicology Journal, March/April 1958, vol. 11, no. 2, pp. 4-21.
Ciccone, Madonna Louise, "Feline Responses to Hairy Legs," in Midwestern Sociological Review, January 1986, vol. 32, no. 1, pp 51-79.
Conroy, Gary, "Feline Responses to Ponytails," in Urban Sociology Review, November 25, 1987, vol. 21, no. 36, pp. 302-321.
Norquist, Winthrop Grover, "Feline Reactions to Supreme Court Nominees," in Journal of Feline Forensic Studies, vol. 12, no. 8, August 1988, pp. 437-450.
O'Connor, Sinead, and Brynner, Y., "Feline Responses to Shaven Heads," in Journal of Head Trauma, May 30, 1990, vol. 42, no. 17, pp. 309-324.
Quant, Mary, "Cat Responses to Bangs," in Tonsological Proceedings, May 1965, vol. 3, no. 5, pp. 251-262.
Schwartzenegger, A., "A Study of How Cats Respond to Body Hair," in Mind/Body Review, December 1983, vol. 3, no. 12, pp. 25-108.
Seuss, Doctor, "Feline Responses to Hats," in Veterinary Developmental Studies, July 1955, vol. 32, no. 7, pp. 54-62.
Smith, J., and Brothers, Joyce, "Feline Responses to Healthy Adults," in Health Advice, September 1972, vol. 51, no. 9, pp. 32-33.
Look at their supposed bibliography! Arnold and Madonna are in it?
LOL
The truth is cats don't like men with beards ..... unless they happen to live with a man with a beard. Then they don't like men who don't have a beard, unless the man they live with, who has a beard, mistreats them. If they live with a man who mistreats them, then they don't like men at all, and will only respond to a woman. Got it?
Duh, people, it's from the Annals of Improbable Research -- a parody science mag. It's not something we spent tax money on.
One of their articles "How to Build an Atomic Bomb" was found in a Taliban house in Afghanistan, so it's not only FReeper who can be tricked by their stuff.
Did these folks sponsor the book "Why Cats Paint?" :-D
LOL! I will take the beard if it is a choice.
To ensure that the cats were not influenced by stroking or other unconscious cues from the assistant, the assistant was anesthetized prior to each session.
I think this study is bogus and was probably secretly funded by Gillette in order to convince bearded cat owners to buy their products...
If I eat a bagel with peanut butter, and do not carefully remove the remnants from My beard, I am likely to wake up with My cat doing the job for Me. All this seems to prove is that My cat loves peanut butter bagels. He does not do this with pimento cheese bagels.
There must be some conclusion for Me to draw, here, but I am Damned if I can find it, unless it is that some cats love peanut butter.
Cats do not like men with long beards, especially long dark beards.
That’ll teach me to skip the article!
Demon?
I have yet to see a domestic cat that could grow a respectable beard.
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